Well, we survived her birthday. A huge milestone to say the least. I will be writing a longer post, but I wanted to thank everyone who remembered Addie with us on her birthday. I got so many messages and FB posts and pictures. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love! Thank you all so much! I can't tell you how nice it is to know that she was remembered!
So, thanks to Hurricane Irene, we won't be hitting the Jersey coast. I couldn't care less about the friggin storm, but I know it wouldn't be safe to be there. I'm extremely disappointed. This was kind of our thing. Maybe I'm an idiot linking her with a lighthouse trip, but it just made sense to me. She was there on our first lighthouse trip, so why not celebrate her life with another. Hopefully, though we can make this particular trip soon. Instead, we've booked a weekend at the Canaan Valley resort in WV. Anything to get us out of the house. I can't be stuck here. So maybe change will be good.
I didn't sleep well last night, but I guess I hadn't expected to. I keep hearing Dr. Wiley's words, over and over again. No matter how foggy that day is, his words ring through loud and clear..."I see no cardiac activity." Plain, simple, devastating. I wish I could forget. I've been reliving that day over and over. And I don't see it ending anytime soon.
Oh how I wish things were different. I miss you...more than you will ever know.
Today marks one year since her heart last beat. Today marks one year from the time I know for sure she was still alive. I never thought I'd live to see this day. I miss her, more than words can say. The hole in my heart is permanent; nothing will ever take that away. I miss her.
So, after a lot of thought, Patrick and I have decided to celebrate Addison's birthday privately. We are going to take a trip, one very similar to the babymoon we took in April of 2010, when I was 20 weeks pregnant. Our trip will take us down the Jersey coast to visit several lighthouses. Our babymoon consisted of a road trip to visit lighthouses in Maryland, Virginia and North Carolina. This kind of trip has become "our thing" and it seems to be a fitting way to honor her first birthday. I know some family and friends may be disappointed that we aren't having a party. I just don't think either one of us is ready to face this day surrounded by people. We need to do this alone, just the 2 of us. I still plan on doing a balloon release, but instead of it being in my backyard, it will be on a beach somewhere in NJ. We are trying to include our family in the celebration, though. We have asked that anyone who wants to celebrate her life to light a candle or release a balloon or even just remember that August 27 is her birthday.
Just remembering her is the greatest gift anyone could ever give us. That has always been my biggest fear...that she will be forgotten. Even though she never took a breath, she did exist. She is and always will be our daughter, regardless of physical presence.
It seems as though I've had a candle burning the whole month of August. So many angels have celebrated a birthday this month. My heart is heavy just knowing that I share this in common with so many mommas. I've tried to keep up with all the birthdays but its just not working. I think I'm going to set up a calendar as a reminder. I hate missing all these birthdays. Please keep an eye out for the post, I want to add all of our angels to this calendar!
I also wanted to send out a HUGE thank you to Sarita, Meredith's mom, for sending Addie her first birthday card. It brought happy tears to my eyes. Franchesca, from Small Bird Studios, recently added a card to her Lost for Words line, that says it perfectly (click here to see it). I am so thankful for the people I have met since Addie died. Only moms who have been through a loss can truly understand what it is like. I have made friends all over the world...friends who are there to comfort me even when they can't find light in their own lives.
Last, but not least, I wanted to share my new Sunset Butterflies from Carly Marie. I'm gathering quite the collection, not that I mind...every one of her butterflies are gorgeous! One day, I will have them all...I hope!
The funk has set in earlier than I expected. I found tear tracks on my cheeks this morning after a very restless night. In less than 2 weeks, she will be 1. Can I just say how much this sucks? I know all of us BLMs go through this, but why? Why do any of us have to celebrate a memory instead of a birthday? I have been dreading this funk for awhile now, trying to do everything in my power to keep it away. I guess I just need to accept it. Man, I sound whiny. When did I turn into such a selfish person. All I think about is me, me, me.
It's hard to believe that in just over 2 weeks, Addie will be 1. Yet, here I sit, no baby to hold and celebrate with. Words cannot describe how much I miss her. Lately I haven't had a lot of time to miss her. I've been so busy with Illuminate and finishing up the memory boxes on top of everything else. But now that Illuminate is finished and the boxes almost complete, my head is filling with thoughts of her. Still, life goes on. So far, we have no big plans for her birthday. I talked to P, and it seems he's not comfortable with having people over. He hasn't said that yet, but he's "thinking about it." That, to me, is a sign that he doesn't want to. Maybe I'm reading him wrong, but I don't think so. All I know is, if we aren't having people over, then I don't want to be home. I need to be a hostess to keep my mind off of her. If I'm home, all I will want to do is sit in her room and cry. I still want to do a butterfly or balloon release though.
I have started a new project to help occupy my mind. I've decided to keep my class blog for Illuminate active and take part in Project 365. Project 365 is just the concept of taking a picture every day for a year. Some have themes, others have specific objects/subjects for each day. My project will focus on things I love, things I enjoy doing, and anything that reminds me of her. It's a huge undetaking, but I need the challenge. Wish me luck! And feel free to check it out anytime: www.addieslight.wordpress.com.