Friday, October 29, 2010

Just a poem I copied from my journal. Written to honor my beautiful butterfly, Addie.

I wrote this during our first mini vacation after Addie died.  I did a lot of soul searching while we were away.  It was very therapeutic.  Writing has become an outlet for my emotions.  I never knew I could be so comforted by writing it all down.

The Path
I am walking a path; it is a path no woman should ever have to follow.  Yet, it is a path so many have taken, even my own mother.  It's a path we do not choose, but one we unhappily share.  It is a path of sorrow with footsteps so heavy they sound of thunder.

I am walking a path and its raining.  I haven't been walking long, but the rain never seems to stop.  The skies are crying for all of us because it seems as though we have no more tears to shed.  But, my tears, like the rain, continue to fall.

I am walking a path; a path so similar yet still so different from those who have walked before me.  Some days, I can see a light, a break in the clouds maybe; its faint, but a light all the same.  Other days, all I can see is the rain, nothing on the horizon but the gloom, it surrounds me.  Still, every day, there is a single, beautiful butterfly; she follows me faithfully.

I am walking a path; a path sometimes so difficult that I can't go on and must stop.  As faithful as ever, the butterfly stops with me.  She sits on my shoulder, gently fluttering her beautiful wings and patiently waiting for me to regain my strength.  She remains by my side, hardly moving, a quiet source of comfort until I am ready to move forward again.  She knows; some how, some way she understands.

I am walking a path and it seems like forever.  There's no doubt I have changed; a little older, a little wiser as they say.  But my faithful little butterfly has remained the same.  She has been with me from the very first step I took on this path; always there for me, even when I was so sure I couldn't continue.  She has been very loyal, unerringly so.  Could it it possible?  Is it her?

I am walking a path; a path I can never leave, moving forward, yes, but constantly looking back.  It is a path I have come to accept but still hate; a path, although difficult, I know with time will get easier.  It's a path that will remain for forever in my future and always be an enormous part of my present and past.  But will my constant companion, my beautiful source of comfort stay with me?  I honestly hope so, but only time will tell.  I do know one thing for journey, my path will never change.  I will always walk this path, the path of a woman who has lost a child.

      --In memory of our butterfly, Addison Breann.  Momma and Daddy miss you more than you will ever know.  We love you, Addie!  (written 10-6-10)

Halloween sucks!

So, I was looking forward to dressing my baby girl in a costume for Halloween.  She would be just a few days over 2 months old.  But, no, I'm not allowed to have that pleasure.  Why?  I still don't understand why you were taken from us, Addie.  Yes, we know what went wrong medically, but why?  I miss my daughter.  It truly is not fair for her to have been taken from us.  We wanted her so badly.  Why is it that people who shouldn't have children keep popping them out, but those families who want and deserve to have a child have to struggle just to concieve.  It really isn't fair.
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