Right where I am...9 months, 2 weeks and 3 days

I have decided to join Angie and her Right Where I Am project.  Angie thought up this project a few months ago as a way for BLMs to connect and to talk about "...where you are in your grief and what it is like now, so new people can get an idea of the experience of grief further down the road, and so people further down the road can reflect on how far they have come in their grief."  So, here goes...

Here I stand on the cusp of my daughter hitting the double digits.  She's been gone longer that she was with us...so where am I in my grief? 

That's a hard question to answer. 

Some days I can smile easily, I can tell people I'm okay and mean it, I can think about her and smile.  Some days, it's almost as if she is still here with me.

Some days I swear I can still feel her kicking me and squirming. 

Some days I almost feel brave enough to go in her room.

Some days, I feel so close to her, especially when I'm digging in her garden.  I smile every time she sends me a wink.  More often than not, its a butterfly.

And, on the other hand, some days I just want to quit.  I'm tired of acting like everything is OK.  I'm not OK and I never will be.  I'm tired of faking it for all of my acquaintances, although, faking it has gotten much easier since I changed jobs.  when I hear my coworkers complain about their children I just want to scream "Cherish your children...you don't know what its like!"...but I don't.  I'm anonymous...and I'm not sure I like it.  I tired of sucking up my emotions...I'm tired of plastering a fake ass smile on my face.  Yet, I do it every day.

Why doesn't anyone talk about her anymore?  Is it that they wish she never existed?  Why don't they mention her to me?  On a recent weekend trip, I mentioned my daughter's name to a family member and they just brushed it off.  That cut deeper than any knife ever could.  Do people just want to forget her?  Do they want me to get over it?  More importantly, am I expected to get over her death?

Sometimes I expect people to say, "You're not over it yet?  Its been almost a year, don't you think its time?"  Sad part of it is, I almost expect to hear it come from a family member and not a friend.  I don't know why I expect this.  Is like I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst.  Like I'm trying to plan my answer for such a question.  But, why in the world would a family member even say something like that to a grieving mother?

Some days, in a haze of grief, I wonder if I was ever a mother.  Yes, I carried and loved a child for 39 weeks and 5 days.  But, how does that make me a mother.  My grief plays tricks on me...sometimes I KNOW I'm a mom, yet other days (like Mother's Day), I once again feel like I'm on the outside of an exclusive club...

Some days, I just wish I could stay in bed and cry.

Some days, I wish I could go back and insist that the doctor take me seriously when I said she wasn't moving as much.

Some days I wish I would have called the doctor sooner.

Some days I wish I would have gone into labor early.

Some days I just wish for the life I had before she died...I miss the old me.  Don't get me wrong, I would NEVER say I regret being pregnant with her because I DON'T regret it.  I just miss being the happy go lucky, carefree, optimistic person I used to be.  What I regret is not having her here with me, not being able to share my life with her and to share her with the world.  Most of all, I regret not being able to keep her safe.  Why couldn't I keep her safe...why did I have to fail at the most important job I've ever been given?  That guilt, like the grief, never goes away.

Some days, I just wish I could hold her, even just one more time, and tell her how much I love her, how much she was wanted, and how much she is missed.

My grief will always be there, will always rear its ugly head when I least expect it.  No matter how long you've been gone, Addie, there will always be that hole in my heart that was carved by your soul as you left us.  You carry that piece of my heart with you, always in your own.

Another sweet little girl turns 1!

Sending lots of love and hugs to Miss Mikayla on her first birthday.  You can read Mikayla's story here and, while you're at it, read more about what her amazing mom, Melissa, is doing in Mikayla's honor here.  Mikayla, please keep a close eye on your mom (and dad and big brother, too!), especially today.  Send them a wink to let them know that you and Chase are always there, even when it seems you are so far away.

The OTHER day I will never forget

     June 3 has a double meaning for me, but is certainly a day I will NEVER forget. It is the day my life was spared and also the day my new life began.  Many of you have read Addie's story where I mention being in a car accident, but I rarely elaborate.  Well, I will today because it is an important day.  Today is the 6th anniversary of that accident; but, more importantly, today is also my 5th wedding anniversary.  Truly a day I will never forget...a day full of scars and memories that will last a lifetime.
     June 3, 2005 started out like any other day.  A coworker and I were attending a training class that day and would be making the 4 hour trek home later that evening.  We had arrived at our training conference the night before and spent some time on the beach (yes, my job paid for a trip to the beach, lol!).  After a long day, we started on our way.  Since we had taken my vehicle, I volunteered to drive.  I liked to drive anyway.  We were nearly home, less than 15 minutes away in fact, when I saw headlights in my lane and jerked the wheel to the right.  That is the last thing I remember clearly.  My coworker said I screamed...but all I can remember is trying to get out of the way.  In a haze, I remember feeling like I was hanging upside down and sometime later I remember being strapped down, not able to move my head.  But i could still see my left leg.  It was in traction.   It was then that I knew how serious all "this" was.  But, I still didn't know exactly what "this" was.  I vaguely remember being put into an MRI machine and I remember seeing my boyfriend's mom just before being wheeled down a very bright hallway.  I woke up late in the afternoon on June 4 with a tube down my throat.  The nurses removed the tube and began asking me if I remembered what happened.  From somewhere near me I hear Patrick's voice.  I didn't remember what happened at that point, but it suddenly came rushing back to me.  The first thing out of my mouth was, "Where is Elaine (my coworker)?"  They all told me she was fine.  Treated for scrapes and bruises and released.  I, however was not so lucky.  I had sustained severe orthopaedic injuries on the left side of my body.  My femur was broken just above the knee, a butterfly fracture.  My lower left arm was shattered, my doctor was not sure he was going to be able to save it, and my humerus was also broken.  I also sustained a broken right wrist and many lacerations.  I was lucky not to have a head injury or internal injuries.  Still, I was devastated.  My doctor, the wonderful man that he was, told me I wouldn't walk again for at least 2 months, and would spend the greater portion of the next 6 months in a wheelchair.  He also said he would try his best to fix my left arm, but that nothing was guaranteed.  He also explained to me that I was now the proud new owner of orthopaedic implants, a rod in my left leg and plates and screws in my left arm, that would likely remain there for the rest of my life.  Two days later I underwent surgery again.  The doctor was a miracle man and put together the puzzle that was my left arm.
      I spent 2 weeks in ICU, 2 months in the hospital, 4 months living at my aunt's house (she has a handicapped accessible house), 6 months in a wheelchair, endured 5 separate surgeries and 2 years of physical therapy.  Turns out that I was hit head on by a tractor trailer.  It was estimated that he was driving 65mph on a 55mph road, plus it was raining.  The driver finally admitted he hadn't been paying enough attention and was laughing at a joke when he hit me.  He was well over 8 feet into my lane and I had no chance of missing him.  My life was spared that day, why, I don't know.  If you are sensitive, please stop reading now because I am about to post some pictures.  They aren't pretty, but I promise I won't post the really nasty ones.  These are only pictures of the vehicles, no people.

1995 Kenworth tractor

The accident ripped off the front drive axle

My 2001 Ford Escape...or what's left of it



This car saved my life...I honestly shouldn't be alive.


      Throughout all of this, Patrick never left my side.  He was there with me in the hospital as much as possible.  Since we weren't married, he couldn't use his own sick leave to stay with me, so he took vacation days.  He did things for me that I never had to ask him to do and did it without complaints.  He helped me bathe, he helped me to the bathroom, helped me with my therapy.  His loyalty never wavered.  I really did have an epiphany...I realized just how much I loved this man.  We had been together for 4 years prior to the accident and I think we took each other for granted.  Not in a bad way, just that we were very comfortable together and never felt the need to go the next step.  But after seeing all he sacrificed for me, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  The way he "proposed" is so Patrick.  We were heading back to my aunt's house after spending the day at my aunt and uncle's river lot when he says, "So when are we getting married?"  We told our parents about our engagement over the next week.
     We tossed around several ideas for our wedding.  We thought about having a destination wedding in Hawaii, eloping to Las Vegas.  But, eventually we settled on a small, outdoor wedding with just immediate family.  We just didn't know when.  Finally, I said, "What about June 3?  Its certainly a day we will never forget.  It has a lot of meaning, to me especially."  And, it was set.
     On June 3, 2006 I walked down the aisle to marry my best friend.  I WALKED!  Just a year ago I had thought this feat impossible, but, I walked.  I walked alone, no one to help me, a statement in its own right.  Here I was, beginning a new life with the most wonderful man.  He grinned at me as I walked toward him.

Concentration...don't want to trip of course!
My first time in heels since the accident.

Can you tell this is a staged kiss?

The rings

My bouquet, with the addition of wild flowers from my nieces

The beginning of our adventures as Mr and Mrs

     I really did marry my best friend that day, in a ceremony that was just right for us.  We chose to have a very small, intimate wedding with just our parents and people who were instrumental in helping us survive the prior year.  The wedding was a perfect end to a rough year, and the perfect beginning to a new life together.
     A card that I got in the mail from my in laws really says it all:  "Marriage is a funny thing...right when you think you have it all figured out, something happens to make it grow and change and you get to figure it out all over again.  Laugh or not, it keeps things interesting.  Then, one day it occurs to you that the "figuring out" is what makes marriage so good.  Working together, looking forward in the same direction, bumping into roadblocks and finding a way around--sometimes feeling like everything is trying to knock you off course--it's that very stuff that makes a relationship stronger.  Funny...frustrating...crazy...wonderful...and uniquely yours."
     I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, but I honestly believe I have met the man with whom my soul loves.  There is no question about how much I love this man.  I would give my life if I knew it would save his.  In tragedy, we have grown closer, stronger.  Losing Addie has strengthened the bond we have.  He has stayed by my side, no matter how bitchy, moody, nasty or just plain rude I am.  And I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with.  I am so glad to have found him.
     So, on this day of anniversaries, I can honestly say I am thankful.  Although my life has been a rocky road, and I've asked myself more than once, "Why me?", I can honestly say I am so very grateful.  I am grateful to be alive, grateful to have met and married Patrick, and grateful for the triumphs and tragedies we have endured together.  Most of all, I am grateful for the family we have created, even if that family isn't physically together.  Five years together and many more to come...love really knows no boundaries and can truly conquer all.

Another sweet angel turns 1

    Today Julius should be celebrating his first birthday with his mom and dad and the rest of his family.  Instead, he flies above us all.  Today is your day sweet Julius.  Keep an eye on your mom and dad...they're gonna need it, especially today.  Lots of love to you, Tiffany!  Thinking about you today!

     On a side note...something is going on with Blogger.  It won't allow me to comment on any posts.  I have been reading them, just not able to comment.  I hope everyone had a peaceful holiday weekend!

The time you've been gone now equals how long you were here...

   Nine months....*sigh*.  Can I just say I HATE, HATE, HATE this!  Its not right...I shouldn't have had to say goodbye to my baby.  No one should ever have to say goodbye to their child, its not the natural order of things. 
    Here I am, nine months later, and nothing has changed.  The hole in my heart is ridiculously large, I am childless, I haven't gone in her room since January, and I cry almost every night.  I miss her more and more each day.  I feel as though I'm getting farther away from her with every passing moment.  I don't remember what it was like to feel her move and kick.  I don't remember what she smelled like, or what it was like to touch her skin.  I'm forgetting so much about her.  And I'm regretting not doing more.  I regret not taking more pictures, especially one with all of us together, a family picture of sorts.  I regret not holding her more, not bathing her, not spending more time with her.  So many regrets...and not a damn thing I can do about it!

   

     Happy 9 months sweet girl.  Momma's heart is breaking more each day because we're apart.   I miss you.

What would life be like...

    Does anyone ever wonder what their lives would be like if their children never died?  Lately I've found myself wondering this a lot.  Yesterday, we brought our camper out of storage to get ready for the summer.  Our first camping trip is this weekend.  Towing it home last night I found myself wondering if we'd be camping this weekend with an almost 9 month old in tow or if we'd just go for a day visit to my mom's or my aunt's water front property.  Would we take her on the boat?  Would I slather her in sunscreen, put on a life preserver and get in the water with her (probably not this weekend, though!  Water is too high and rough because of all the rain!).  Or would I be an overprotective momma and keep her safely on dry ground.  I really don't know why I'm associating the camper with missing her.  We didn't buy the camper until after she died.  We had plans to eventually buy one, but it wasn't until after we lost her that we went out to buy one.  It was soon after too.  I remember still being pretty sore from my c-section when we signed the papers.  I don't know why, but seeing the camper just makes me miss her even more.

   I've been doing a lot of associating lately.  Every time I see a butterfly I think of her.  Or a rose, or a gladiola, or anything purple.  I constantly ask myself what I would be doing right this second if she was still alive.  It truly is constantly.  I've been doing a lot of baking to help me keep my mind off of her but it doesn't work.  Just makes me wonder if I'd have her in the kitchen with me, helping me "clean" the bowls.  I guess the good thing about all the baking is that I've found a new love and talent in making cupcakes.  Maybe a future business?  Who knows...

Strawberry Lemonade Cupcake...sorry about the poor pic quality, took the pic with my phone.

    I continue to work on my memory boxes too which makes me wonder even more.  Would I have even thought to do something like this if she hadn't died?  Probably not.  But, its another thing that makes me happy.  I feel so much closer to her when I work on them.  Over the last couple of weeks, I've gotten some more donations.  Still, there's so much more I need and her birthday is coming up fast.  If anyone wants to help out (or has some advice!), please let me know.  You can read more about my project here. 

Matching hats and blanket made by a family friend

Picture frames donated by former coworker and friend

     Lastly, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on many posts lately.  I just haven't felt up to reading them.  Some days my sadness is just too overwhelming and I just can't seem to find the right words.  Please know that I think about all of my blog friends daily and hoping that our struggles get a little easier.

My Happy List, week 10

     Well, its been awhile since I've joined this blog hop.  I know it's mainly because I haven't been in the greatest of moods.  I've been in a pretty gloomy place lately, so its nice to actually be able to write a happy list today.  So here are the good things that have happened over the past few weeks.

1.  VACATION!!!  As much as I hated coming home, I'm glad to get back to a sense of normalcy.  We had a great time on our cruise.  We're ready to take another one...and soon!

2.  Swimming with a dolphin:  I have always loved and admired these creatures of the sea.  I even have a tattoo of dolphins on my back.  It was a once in a lifetime experience to get to interaction with these beautiful creatures.  I will, one day hopefully do it again.  It was a wonderful experience!

3.  March of Dimes, March for Babies:  Today was our March for Babies walk.  My little team of 6 women raised $730.  Overall, our local chapter raised nearly $50,000!  Even though it was drizzly, today was a great day.  I nearly lost my composure twice as the organizers were speaking about babies gone too soon, but I held it together.  As I said this morning...six miles is a long way, but I would walk for ever in her honor and memory because she will forever walk in mine!

Crossing the finish line!

4.  Her name:  Its no surprise that I love seeing her name everywhere.  I recently donated to another great cause, River's Run and Ride Rally.  This organization raised over $6000 to benefit Faith's Lodge.  Deanna, River's mom, created these stars and displayed them at the event.  She is mailing Addie's star to me soon.  I can't wait to get it.  Thanks, Deanna.  You can read more about Deanna, her angel River and their cause here.

5.  Last but certainly not least is P:  This man is my life.  He may drive me nuts some days, but I have never loved anyone as much as I love him.  He is always there to cheer me on, cheer me up or simply just there.  I'm lucky to have found him and can't believe we will be celebrating 5 years of marriage soon! 

There's the one dimple...I just KNOW Addie would have had the same.
I love this one dimple!

He's just beginning to stick his tongue out at me.