Sigh...

Yes, I know.  Its been a long time.  This space was created as a place for me to write down my feelings after losing Addison.  Yes, I have added in some life updates, but I try to keep it about her.  Today is one of the days when the grief hits me like a ton of bricks.  Today, she should be 4 1/2 years old.  How has it been four and a half years since she was born?  How have I survived without her?  Why was I forced to continue without her?

She came to me in a dream the other night.  Well, the little girl in my head is what I imagine her looking like now, but she had changed so much from the last time I dreamed of her.  I can't even remember the last time she entered my dreams.  She's tall and thin, with just a bit of the toddler pudge.  Her hair is long and thick, not as curly but still the natural waves.  Its not nearly as red as previous dreams, but still a hint of that strawberry in her blonde.  As always, I am never able to hug her or even get close enough to touch her; she just smiles and waves.  can I just say that even that sucks.  I know it's just a dream but why won't my subconscious even let me touch her.  Sigh...