Well, I say bullshit. In 8 months my heart hasn't grown fonder. Instead the hole in my heart feels as though its gotten larger. Some days I can't feel the ache as much as others, but it is always there. I can't believe its been 8 months; 8 long months since I last held my daughter and stared into her beautiful face; 8 months since I experienced the best feeling in the world immediately followed by the worst. Eight long months since she died and I had to say goodbye.
My heart will never be whole again. I've come to accept that fact and it sucks. I can't imagine how multiple loss momma's feel. Recently, yet another BLM lost her rainbow. I cried when I read her blog. Its just not fair. People say there is a reason for everything, but I say bullshit again. Somethings happen for no reason. Why is it that women have to say goodbye to their children? Its not the natural order of life; its just not right. Melissa, I'm so sorry you lost baby JJ. You deserve so much happiness, I wish I could give it to you. Know that you and you family are in my thoughts.
Dear Addie B,
It's your 8 month birthday...what can I say that I haven't said so many times before. I think about you all the time. I wonder what you would be like today. I wonder what you would be doing. I miss you so much...I can't say that enough. I dreamed about you again last night. Makes me miss you even more, but I love those dreams. I wish they were real life. I can't believe you'll be a year old in just 4 months...doesn't seem right. Well, this whole situation isn't right. I should be writing letters to you that will be stowed away until your wedding day. Instead, I write letters for me. Letters that I can read when I want to reminisce. Its just not fair.
I love you so very much little girl. I wish you were here.
Lots of love,
Fallon Jade Rilling
4 days ago