Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hope Found and Lost...Small Miracles Blog Hop

***Please be warned, this may not be an uplifting post.  If you are not having a good day, please don't continue reading.  I don't want to make a bad day worse.***

     From the very beginning, she was my small miracle.  I don't share this very often, but it took us a very long time to concieve her.  We had stopped using any kind of birth control about 3 years prior to getting pregnant.  I didn't want to face the fact that there might be a reason we hadn't gotten pregnant yet.  I didn't want to have to go through fertility testing and treatments.  I began to wonder if we were meant to be parents.  Hope came in the form of a positive pregnancy test on January 5, 2010.  I never realized just how much I wanted to be a mom until I found out I was pregnant with her.  I knew I wanted to have children, but I didn't know how much until that moment.  And so began our journey.  There were so many questions this pregnancy answered.  After my car accident, the doctors weren't sure if I would be able to carry to term or give birth.  The injuries I sustained were enough to make doctors question my ability, but they did not warn me against it.  Hope continued to build throughout my pregnancy.  I learned that I could handle exercise and the extra weight.  I learned that I could handle labor...I learned that I could handle a c-section.  But, I also learned how quickly hope could be lost. 

     In the blink of an eye, any hope she had given me was ripped away.  Now my mind is filled with so many questions.  Were we even meant to be parents?  Will I be able to get pregnant again?  Should we even try?  If we do, what if we lose another baby?  What if the baby has to be born early?  Are we prepared to deal with this?  Can I handle the stress of a pregnancy after loss?  There are so many questions weighing on my mind.  Where did my hope go? 

     Along this journey, I have found little glimmers.  Every time I see a butterfly, I think of her.  Every time I work on her garden, I feel as though she is there with me.  Every time I hug her blanket, I feel close to her.  But hope has been hard to find.  Recently, I feel as though I am going back to my life just after I lost her.  The sadness has been overwhelming some days.  I can't think of anything in particular that has caused this relapse.  Maybe its Mother's Day looming on the horizon.  I was looking forward to my first Mother's Day; the possibility of finding a gorgeous piece of Mom jewelry that shows all of our birthstones together; hugging my chubby (yes, I'm sure she would be chubby) daughter and being thankful that she was here with me; finally feeling like a "grown up" by being a mom.  I don't know.  I wish I knew what was causing this funk lately.

     But, the imortant thing is that these glimmers do exist.  Not only those, but also the glimmers that exist with in my husband and my family.  As gloomy as I may be, they try.... They may not be successful, but they try.  And I am so thankful for that.  I know these posts are supposed to be uplifting, but sometimes hope is so hard to find.  Yet, miracles do exist and she was...no, IS, mine small miracle.


Molly said...

I've also said my hope is starting to fade lately, and I've been having an extra tough time, too. It looks like we are only about a week apart in the timeline since the babies were born, so maybe we're just at some stage in our grief? I hope? Hang in there

Tiffany said...

((hugs)) o mary, i think these posts are meant to be real. and that is exactly what you are being. walking the road of a bereaved parent is a hard lonely road. it's hard to make ourselves feel uplifted when we are in the midst of so much pain. we are broken and shattered, and trying to survive. it's ok to feel that way, but it's also great that you DO have those moments of light. hoping you have more happy moments as time passes. ♥

Tiffany said...

You seemed to have crawled right inside my mind today. Hope is a fleeting thing lately and it is the little things that bring hope. And you are right. Whether they are here or not, our girls are miracles!

Franchesca said...

I am so sorry Mary I wish I could figure out what caused the emotional roller coaster of grief. I agree with Tiffany, thank you for sharing honestly, I think it makes a lot of us feel normal :)

I think Mother's day looming around the corner only adds to the sting we already feel. I am thinking of you today, praying for sweet peace in the midst of so many unanswered questions.


Becky said...

Where did the hope go? Good question. I also have been in the funk right there with you, searching for even the smallest glimmer that things just might be okay.
I also agree our little ones are miracles. I hope butterflies and her garden continue to bring you some hope. Take care

Missy said...

I wish I could bottle up hope on the days when there seems to be an abundance and save it for the days like today. Thinking of you and sending love mama~

little vitu's mom said...

I agree with your post. My son was a miracle too. Miss him.

DandelionBreeze said...

Your little Addie is a beautiful miracle and sorry that hope seems so far away at the moment. I wish that I could give you a hug at the moment and be with you... I just feel so far away and wish I could do something more to help you my dear friend. Know that I admire your bravery and your amazing ability to write with such emotion at this difficult time. Love to you always xoxo

Jenn said...

Yes, a beautiful, sweet little miracle. Absolutely. I'm just sorry you didn't get more time with her. Wishing for you a little more hope and then a little more hope and then a little more hope as the days go on. xx

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