Wednesday, April 27, 2011

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder...

     Well, I say bullshit.  In 8 months my heart hasn't grown fonder.  Instead the hole in my heart feels as though its gotten larger.  Some days I can't feel the ache as much as others, but it is always there.  I can't believe its been 8 months;  8 long months since I last held my daughter and stared into her beautiful face; 8 months since I experienced the best feeling in the world immediately followed by the worst.  Eight long months since she died and I had to say goodbye.
     My heart will never be whole again.  I've come to accept that fact and it sucks.  I can't imagine how multiple loss momma's feel.  Recently, yet another BLM lost her rainbow.  I cried when I read her blog.  Its just not fair.  People say there is a reason for everything, but I say bullshit again.  Somethings happen for no reason.  Why is it that women have to say goodbye to their children?  Its not the natural order of life; its just not right.  Melissa, I'm so sorry you lost baby JJ.  You deserve so much happiness, I wish I could give it to you.  Know that you and you family are in my thoughts.

Dear Addie B,
     It's your 8 month birthday...what can I say that I haven't said so many times before.  I think about you all the time.  I wonder what you would be like today.  I wonder what you would be doing.  I miss you so much...I can't say that enough.  I dreamed about you again last night.  Makes me miss you even more, but I love those dreams.  I wish they were real life.  I can't believe you'll be a year old in just 4 months...doesn't seem right.  Well, this whole situation isn't right.  I should be writing letters to you that will be stowed away until your wedding day.  Instead, I write letters for me.  Letters that I can read when I want to reminisce.  Its just not fair.
     I love you so very much little girl.  I wish you were here.
Lots of love,
Momma

9 comments:

Becky said...

I don't think I know Melissa but that just really isn't fair, then again any of us losing our babies isn't fair.
Thinking of you and Addie on her 8 month birthday

Sarita Boyette said...

No, it's not fair. Mary, just know that I hurt for you. I'm so sorry that Addie isn't here. xoxo

New Year Mum said...

Love to you and Addie on her 8 month birthday... my heart goes out to you and Melissa. I agree that the phrase "some things happen for a reason" is nonsense and doesn't help someone going through the grief of losing a child. Love always xoxo

Tiffany said...

Bullshit- exactly. That's what it is. How could a heart grow fonder when you already love your child with all you have?? I am so sorry your sweet girl isn't here with you, thinking of you and your angel.

Raquel said...

Thinking of you...I know how hard angel days are.

Sending hugs your way!!

Keleen said...

Total bullshit! Each passing month just sucks worse. Thinking of you & missing our girls.

Natasha said...

I so agree Mary...it really does suck just as much now as it did the day it happened. I am praying for you and thinking of little miss Addie...I know she's smiling down on you from heaven with lots of love!

xoxo

Melissa said...

Thanks for mentioning Baby JJ, it means a lot to me to know they will be remembered. I don't think this whole in our hearts will ever be mended, how could it? I do hope in time that the edges will become less jagged, less painful. But I truly believe in my heart that I will always, always feel that hole...the part of me that was lost with the death of each of my children. Hugs to you!

Nicole said...

So sad. I have not yet told my heart 'it is okay' although it seems I am fine. It is not fair for anyone.

::hugs and you are in my thoughts!::

 
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