Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A small victory and feelings of defeat...

   What a weekend!  I don't think I stopped moving until I went to bed Sunday night.  I have so many blogs to read its not funny!  But I'll catch up eventually.  Saturday was as full of outdoor work as possible.  We've gotten a lot of rain lately, so everything is soggy, but Saturday gave us a bit of a break.  Haven't gotten to finish Addie's perennial garden yet, but soon, hopefully!  I need to plant the bulbs soon so they will bloom this year.  Sunday my husband and I went to his sister's house for Easter.  She lives about 3 hours away so we couldn't stay too long.  I finally, officially introduced myself to my newest nephew, who is 2 months old today.  That was my goal...to hold Nick, and I did.  Without tears!  I'm so glad I did because what a cutie!  And my husband, who is such a natural I must say, held him as well.  Made my heart ache to see how well he did with Nick.  Come on rainbow baby, you need to make an appearance in the form of a positive test very soon!  Here's a few pics:

Sweet Nicholas Xavier meets Aunt Mary for the first time

Such a natural...

Sleepy Nick

The look on my hubby's face just breaks my heart.
 When will it be our turn?
 I have to say, it was nice to hold a baby in my arms.  I hope, one day soon, to hold my own child like this.

    Monday brought a return to work.  I really hate Mondays.  They are so busy, and yesterday was no exception.  I guess I should explain what I do.  I am a supervisor for a call center that takes calls for a large national cemetery.  We are pretty new, started from the ground up, to help the cemetery with its call volume.  Yesterday, a coworker, who happened to be a friend long before we started working together, had a rough call.  She had an upset caller who wanted reassurance from someone that their issue would be taken seriously.  Well, the call had to deal with a child who had died.  Normally, I can separate my emotions from my job.  But not today.  The minute she told me about the call my heart started pounding, tears filled my eyes and I couldn't talk.   My friend, not thinking about what she had said until after she said it.  I took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry, but I can't take this call."  She immediately started apologizing, knowing she had upset me.  I quickly asked her to try another supervisor directly at the cemetery and hung up the phone.  I had to walk away...I got myself under control pretty quickly, but I was upset at myself for not being able to take over that call.  And, I was upset because I knew it had upset her too.  She didn't do it on purpose, she just didn't think about it.  It wasn't her fault at all.  I've tried very hard to remain professional, regardless of what I face.  This isn't the first instance that I have had to deal with a child that has died...I had a call today about a stillborn and I was fine.  I don't know what it was about this one...it just got to me, caught me off guard.  After I was under control, I went back to my desk and called her.  She was in tears on the phone and I felt so bad.  I want people to realize that I don't expect them to remember everything, I don't want them to feel that they have to walk on eggshells around me, because they don't.  I felt defeated...like I had failed my friend that day by not being able to do my job.  But, I can say this...first time in almost 6 months that I've had an issue at work.  That's pretty darn good odds.  But, I've come to expect that it will happen, and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it.


Lj82 said...

I hope your rainbow makes an appearance soon too.

Sorry you had a rough day, sometimes these things just sneak up on you at unexpected times and it's impossible to control them,.

Missy said...

It is very sneaky and I can't imagine how hard it would be to have to hear those stories. Much love~

Melissa said...

I know that was a big step for you Mary to meet your nephew. I had a similar experience watching my husband hold our nephew this weekend (although we'd been around him multiple times), when I thought "When is our turn?" it was especially difficult after looking at him the last couple of times with hope that it would be me soon and now those hopes are dashed again. I hope your rainbow appears for you soon

Natasha said...

So sorry you had a rough day. Don't be hard on yourself.....this grief thing- it sneaks up on us when we least expect it. I'm praying for you Mary!


Deanna said...

So sorry, Mary that you had a rough day. I agree with the above statements, grief does sneak up on us. Also, hoping too that your rainbow baby makes its presence soon :) Thinking of you!!

Becky said...

I am so happy you were able to hold your nephew, I know how hard it has been for you.
As far as work, I think it happens to all of us and to have had one rough moment at work in 6 months is really good I think. I think hearing about dead babies where you work would be very hard.

Hoping that rainbow makes an appearance soon also! Thinking of you always!

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