Ugh, today has hit me hard. I can see how your first birthday is going to go. What can I say that I haven't said before? Probably nothing...I miss you. You have no idea how much I miss you. Some days, when I think I'm okay, something I see, or hear, or smell, rips that hole wide open again. I was a mess today. I'm surprised I even made it through a full day at work. I guess I'm stronger than I thought. Ha, who am I kidding. I had to get up and go to the bathroom SO many times today. I'm surprised no one noticed. But, then again, I try to blend in. Sometimes I just don't think I fit there.
As we get closer to your birthday, I struggle with whether or not we should have a party. As much as I want to recognize your existence, I'm almost scared to. But I don't know why. I've thought about doing a butterfly release, but I just don't know. I would like to have something similar to your memorial service. I just don't know if I can handle it. I would love it if you would show me what you want. Yeah, I know, wishful thinking....
I still find myself wondering what life would be like if you were here. I dreamed about you again last night. The first time in a long time. The dream gave me a glimpse of what life might have been with you here. You were a new walker, with curly strawberry blond hair just starting to really grow. Very unsteady on your feet, I saw you trying to chase Jazz, our dog. He was having a grand old time, licking your face and darting away. You just giggled and tried to follow. Your one dimple is so prominent, I can't believe how much you look like your daddy. I was packing for a weekend at the river and stopped just to watch you. I loved listening to you laugh. Is this how my life would be? Is this how my life SHOULD be? Oh, I wish you were here.
I miss you baby girl, more than ever. I'm having a hard time right now...the stress of work and trying to make you a big sister is really taking it's toll me. And now, I have to face your first birthday. What the hell am I going to do? How can I get through this...how am I going to survive? I love you little one...with all of my heart.
Fallon Jade Rilling
4 days ago