Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Eleven months gone and I'm still here...

     Ugh, today has hit me hard.  I can see how your first birthday is going to go.  What can I say that I haven't said before?  Probably nothing...I miss you.  You have no idea how much I miss you.  Some days, when I think I'm okay, something I see, or hear, or smell, rips that hole wide open again.  I was a mess today.  I'm surprised I even made it through a full day at work.  I guess I'm stronger than I thought.  Ha, who am I kidding.  I had to get up and go to the bathroom SO many times today.  I'm surprised no one noticed.  But, then again, I try to blend in.  Sometimes I just don't think I fit there. 
     As we get closer to your birthday, I struggle with whether or not we should have a party.  As much as I want to recognize your existence, I'm almost scared to.  But I don't know why.  I've thought about doing a butterfly release, but I just don't know.  I would like to have something similar to your memorial service.  I just don't know if I can handle it.  I would love it if you would show me what you want.  Yeah, I know, wishful thinking....
     I still find myself wondering what life would be like if you were here.  I dreamed about you again last night.  The first time in a long time.  The dream gave me a glimpse of what life might have been with you here.  You were a new walker, with curly strawberry blond hair just starting to really grow.  Very unsteady on your feet, I saw you trying to chase Jazz, our dog.  He was having a grand old time, licking your face and darting away.  You just giggled and tried to follow.  Your one dimple is so prominent, I can't believe how much you look like your daddy.  I was packing for a weekend at the river and stopped just to watch you.  I loved listening to you laugh.  Is this how my life would be?  Is this how my life SHOULD be?  Oh, I wish you were here.
     I miss you baby girl, more than ever.  I'm having a hard time right now...the stress of work and trying to make you a big sister is really taking it's toll me.  And now, I have to face your first birthday.  What the hell am I going to do?  How can I get through this...how am I going to survive?  I love you little one...with all of my heart.
Momma

12 comments:

Priscilla said...

Hugs! It's just so hard. What a wonderful dream to have, though! I hope that the month ahead -- as you get closer to her big day -- is as gentle as possible. Much love!

Lindy said...

Oh, Mary. It's so, so hard. Thinking of you and Addison. Hugs!

Shell said...

Mary, hugs to you and thinking of you. My therapist asked me today if I'd had dreams lately of my little girl. I haven't had any lately but hopefully I'll have more soon. I do get the whole bday thing. I was in Target earlier today and walked by the aisle with all the party stuff and thought how fun it would be to be planning a party for my Leia. I want to do something too but not sure I can think about it yet. Stay strong lady and hang in there.

Tiffany said...

I love having dreams of Ellie- but waking up realizing it's not real is heartbreaking. I hope you find something that feels right to celebrate her birthday. Anticipation is always the worse- but you won't ever regret doing something! Thinking of you.

Sarita Boyette said...

The first year seemed especially hard to me. I re-lived my pregnancy and wondered what M would have looked like. Her 1st BD gift was a headstone. But we were so proud of it! Now her grave had a permanent marker. How your thoughts change when you have a child who has passed. I'm thinking about you - hope you find the perfect way to celebrate Addison's birthday. xoxo

Missy said...

Just breathe mama. Easier said than done! Know that you are not alone and that Addie loves her mama and will love whatever birthday you plan for her. Thinking of you my friend~

My New Normal said...

Thinking of you. These milestones are all so difficult. I hope in time they won't hurt as much.

Addi's mom said...

So sorry Mary...thinking about you and your sweet girl. I know the closer it gets to the 1 year the more freaked out I get.

Maria said...

Hugs

Sherri said...

How hard it must be coming up on a year... I won't let myself think that far ahead just yet, but it's creeping up on me sooner than I'd like! Thinking of you and Addie today and always!

Sandy said...

Sending love your way.

Deanna said...

Hugs to you, Mary. Sending you lots of love as her first birthday approaches.

 
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