First of all, let me apologize for my obscene language on a previous post. I hope it didn't offend anyone. Cursing really does make me feel better, but I have no idea why.
I slept well Saturday night...I think the emotions of the day exhausted me. But last night was a different story. My mind has been going nonstop. I keep asking myself why I couldn't hold Nick...after all, I've held babies several times since I delivered Addie. But none were newborn and all were born before I lost her. I don't know if either or both of those makes a difference. And I wonder if being in the hospital made any difference. I want to try again, though, and soon. I want to meet him properly and say hello. I want to apologize and explain to him why I couldn't stand to be around him. Yes, I know he won't understand, but I need to do it for my own piece of mind.
Can I just add that I am so embarassed by how I acted. I don't know why I'm ashamed...its almost like I'm ashamed of the fact that my daughter died and now I can't handle babies. WTH? I don't know what's worse...the disappointment or the shame?
Still, the fact that I couldn't hold Nick is sticking with me. If I couldn't hold him, how in the world will I be able to hold my own newborn, if/when we get pregnant again. This simple fact has me questioning if I am ready for another baby like I had originally thought. This brings me to the point of saying we are now past the 6 month mark. According to our doctors it is now safe to start trying to get pregnant. But are we, am I, ready for this?
I dreamed about her again, too. Same kind of dream. She was smiling and laughing; she was so very happy to see me, it seems. But again, I could not touch her. She was lying on her back, grabbing her toes and just giggling her little heart out. That hurt...a lot. I wanted so badly to go and tickle those toes. Why is she coming back to me now? I haven't had a dream about her in awhile, so why now? Did meeting Nick on Saturday cause her to come back to me? Or maybe her birthday? Who knows....
Fallon Jade Rilling
4 days ago