Thursday, February 24, 2011

A rainbow on the horizon? Am I ready for this?

     First of all, no I'm not pregnant...I've just been thinking a lot lately about having another baby.  I know I've posted about this before, but, the closer we get to actually start trying again, the more I think about it.  I keep telling myself I am ready for another baby, but am I really?  My nephew should be arriving any day now and I am scared shitless.  I don't know how I'm going to handle it.  If I can't handle his arrival, how in the hell am I going to handle the stress of my own pregnancy?  When I saw the peri last month, she said I would be seeing her so often that I might as well move in with her.  It was funny at the time, and still is somewhat, but it's really hitting me hard.  I knew, even before she said it, that I would be followed very closely for any subsequent pregnancies, but I guess I didn't fully realize just how serious the situation is.  I keep telling myself I'm not ready to give up and I'm not!  I refuse to give up, I just don't know if I can handle another loss...I don't know how other women have done it....I've met so many women, through blogging, Facebook, and other forums who have had multiple losses.  I just can't wrap my head around how they've survived.  I've barely kept my head above water these last 6 months, how have they done it multiple times?  Ugh, I hate having these doubts!  I was so excited at the fact of trying again...and now I'm questioning everything.  The important thing is...I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP YET!!!!!

     On the other hand, I've been gearing myself up for "E2's" arrival.  Per my SIL, her doctor says any day now.  I am excited for his arrival, but I'm scared at my own reaction.  I haven't held a newborn since Addie.  Yes, I've held babies, but not a newborn.  I don't know how I will react when I finally get to hold him...or if I will at all.  I haven't decided yet, but I'm almost sure that I want to hold him.  I apologized to her today for the moodiness.  I can't believe it took me this long to do it.  I guess I didn't want to face the fact that I was being a bitch...I knew I was I just didn't want to admit it.  I hope she can forgive me for it, because I really don't mean to be a bitch...it's just been so hard to be around her.  Especially considering she told us she was pregnant the day after I got home from the hospital.  She didn't do that on purpose...she was to the point where she was starting to show and couldn't hide it any longer, so I can't blame her for that.  Since then, I know I haven't been the nicest person to her...but I'm trying, and I explained that today.  I just hope she understands.


‎"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

7 comments:

Tabatha said...

((HUGS)) Remember you don't have to apologize for how you're feeling or what you're thinking.. you're grieving the loss of your daughter and going through so many emotions.. I struggle with this one too.. I go into bitch mode very frequently.. I'm surprised no one has locked me into a closet! But just remember that it's normal and OK!

On another thought... I am struggling right now alot too.. I feel in my heart I am ready to start trying--hubby is not though. So it's been a struggle. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in the feelings that you're having. And also just know I'm thinking about you and hope you are able to find some peace..

Cindy said...

Mary, I am sure she understands. Really, you are not a bitch or never have been. I think being a grouch is entitled considering what you have been through. you are only human for petes sake. Its going to be hard to hold your new nephew or niece but it is part of healing and it may fuel your baby fever more. I think you will be okay. your minds going to run straight to Addie no doubt but be strong Momma! Its a big step. huge. You can do this! I have full confidence in you that you will be okay. I wish I was there. <3 you!

Holly said...

Hun, I understand why you haven't exactly been nice to her. It's hard to deal with and we certainly can all understand that. It's not easy seeing people get what you want so badly-what you lost. ((hug)) I won't lie, there are times when PAL is hard but it really is worth it.

New Year Mum said...

It's completely normal to be apprehensive about seeing a newborn... I couldn't bear the thought (let alone holding a newborn) for months and even after a year, I'm worried about holding a friend's baby that is due in the next few days. Don't be hard on yourself... take it at the pace you are comfortable with. I share your anxiety about getting/being pregnant again - but I keep telling myself that I'll be in good hands with lots of monitoring too and the chance of it happening twice is extremely unlikely. We're all here to go through the ups and downs together xoxo

Lisette said...

I really hope she understands where you are coming from. It isn't easy. My neice is only 10 days older than my Sami. I didn't hold her for months. I felt bad but I just wasn't ready, thank goodness no one in my family especially my brother. When I was finally ready I enjoyed holding her. Take your time, you will know when you are ready to take that step.
I am glad that you will be in the best care once your rainbow arrives (hopefully soon). ((HUGS))

Missy said...

Just know I'll be here thinking of you through it all. Trying again is so complex with so many emotions. It's not going to be fun, but I'm with you I won't give up. The decision to hold your nephew. Make it your own decision. I felt forced and now I want nothing to do with him. Maybe once he's out of the baby phase it will be easier, but not now. You have to do what is right for you at the time and not worry about what other people think. They don't live inside your head. I should heed my own advice, but it's easier said (obviously) than done! All my love to you mama!

Mary said...

Thanks everyone...I just didn't realize how much all of this would affect me. Especially since its all happening at once. I had a long email discussion with my SIL yesterday and we've both realized that we just need to sit down and talk about it, which we will. She hasn't taken any offense to anything, which is a relief. She's a lot more understanding of my moods than I thought she would be. As far as TTC, I need to have a talk with the hubs. I want to make sure we're both ready to face the fact that it just might happen again and we need to know if we can survive the death of another child. If we don't think we can then I know we're not ready. Thank you guys so much! Lots of love to you all!

 
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