Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Why now...what triggered this?

     I don't know why but I had a very restless night last night.  I dreamed about her all night.  I don't know what brought this on.  In my dreams all she did was smile and reach for me, but it seemed like I could never get to her; no matter how close I got she was still just out of my reach.  Then she would cry when I coudn't pick her up.  This is the first time I have had a dream like this.  She's never been "alive" in any of my dreams.  I never once heard her cry, so why now?  I've never been one to try to interpret my dreams, but this one has me puzzled.  I have dreamed of her before, but it was more like my memories replaying themselves.  I've only dreamed of how she looked, smelled and felt.  I've only dreamed of her little face as I saw it the day she was born.  So, why am I dreaming of her alive, smiling, and crying?  I just don't get it.  What could this mean?
     The weekend was pretty good.  I went to P's sister, Amanda's baby shower/dinner.  I think I did okay.  It started to hurt a little when she was opening her gifts, but I made it through without shedding a tear.  My next goal is to be able to hold my newborn nephew when he makes his arrival.  I have held babies since Addie died, but none were newborns.  I believe the youngest was 2 months old.  So, this will be a new experience for me.  I just keep saying "I think I can, I think I can."  I really do think I can...but we'll see.  He'll be here soon enough.  I can't wait to find out his name.  They are doing the same that P and I did;  they've decided on a name, but aren't telling anyone until he is born.  For now, we call him "E2."
     Sunday brought the Super Bowl party.  I had a house full of pissed off Steelers fans.  It was actually kind of funny.  You could hear a pin drop during the last quarter...that's how quiet they were.  It was still a good day, I love having people over.  Lots of good food, lots of great people make for a good time!
     I'm actually hoping I dream of her again.  I know, its kind of morbid, but I think its interesting to see how my mind pictures her.  She wasn't a newborn in my dream...she looked maybe 5 or 6 months old, which would be just about right.  She had my color eyes and her Daddy's one dimple (which I always hoped she would have anyway so that's probably my mind adding it there) and her hair was a strawberry blond and curly.  I wonder...


Jenn said...

Wow, I could not survive a baby shower (and I have held no babies since Micah either and don't plan on it anytime soon). My hat is off to you!

I hope you dream of her again, too. Here's to hoping for beautiful, lively, dreams.

Missy said...

I don't know what your dream could mean. Maybe it was her way of telling her she is okay. Well except for the never being able to reach her part. That could be the part of your brain grounded in reality. I hope you get to have more dreams of her. It seems to be all we have. Good luck with your nephew. I wish I could tell you it were easy. Heck it might be easy as you have the acknowledgment and support from family members that was lacking when I met mine. Much love Mary!!

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