Its just a funk...and I've been in one since Sunday when I woke up with a migraine (sorry about the title, had to make myself smile somehow, and, yes, I do realize that I'm probably the only one that finds it funny). I wish I knew why. I've been doing okay, with the exception of the dreams I've been having. I haven't had one in a while. I actually miss them...I wonder if that's the reason for my mood. Despite the heart wrenching cries and not being able to reach her, I actually liked seeing how my mind pictures her. I wonder if she was trying to tell me something...maybe that she's okay, that she's happy.
So, yesterday was Valentine's Day. I have to say, its not a really important holiday for P and I. We know how much we care about each other and don't feel the need to spend extra money for gifts (although I AM jealous of the chocolate covered strawberries that several of my friends received!!!). Still, I had to be a little mushy yesterday. Despite the loss of my first born, I still feel as though I am the luckiest woman in the world. I found a man who has, more than once, been through hell and back right along with me. We've had to deal with so much crap in the almost 9 years we've been together. Yet, he's still here. I know a lot of baby loss parents don't make it through and I can certainly understand the reasons. P puts up with my mood swings like a champion. I don't know how he does it other than knowing when to leave me alone. I hate the fact that I snap at him sometimes. I don't mean to do it...I hope he knows that. But out of tragedy, I really feel as though we have grown closer. No, I don't always express my feelings to him...sometimes I can't put those feelings into words. I just don't know how. But more often than not, I can talk to him about things. I just hope we can continue to talk to each other, especially as we start trying to have another baby. I don't want to be the kind of person that goes out and buys ovulation predictor kits, takes my temperature, and actually plans the days we're going to "do the deed" (not that there's anything wrong with doing this, I just don't want to have to resort to doing these things...I'm afraid of what might happen between us). That's just not the kind of life I want. I just want it to happen. I know trying to conceive becomes a sore spot for many couples. My hope is, as we begin our journey, that we can still enjoy each other and not just worry about making a baby. I truly am a lucky woman to have found him and certainly don't want to run him off with my neurotic behavior.
Fallon Jade Rilling
2 days ago