Monday, February 28, 2011

A fitful night

     First of all, let me apologize for my obscene language on a previous post.  I hope it didn't offend anyone.  Cursing really does make me feel better, but I have no idea why. 
     I slept well Saturday night...I think the emotions of the day exhausted me.  But last night was a different story.  My mind has been going nonstop.  I keep asking myself why I couldn't hold Nick...after all, I've held babies several times since I delivered Addie.  But none were newborn and all were born before I lost her.  I don't know if either or both of those makes a difference.  And I wonder if being in the hospital made any difference.  I want to try again, though, and soon.  I want to meet him properly and say hello.  I want to apologize and explain to him why I couldn't stand to be around him.  Yes, I know he won't understand, but I need to do it for my own piece of mind.
     Can I just add that I am so embarassed by how I acted.  I don't know why I'm ashamed...its almost like I'm ashamed of the fact that my daughter died and now I can't handle babies.  WTH?  I don't know what's worse...the disappointment or the shame?
     Still, the fact that I couldn't hold Nick is sticking with me.  If I couldn't hold him, how in the world will I be able to hold my own newborn, if/when we get pregnant again.  This simple fact has me questioning if I am ready for another baby like I had originally thought.  This brings me to the point of saying we are now past the 6 month mark.  According to our doctors it is now safe to start trying to get pregnant.  But are we, am I, ready for this?
     I dreamed about her again, too.  Same kind of dream.  She was smiling and laughing; she was so very happy to see me, it seems.  But again, I could not touch her.  She was lying on her back, grabbing her toes and just giggling her little heart out.  That hurt...a lot.  I wanted so badly to go and tickle those toes.  Why is she coming back to me now?  I haven't had a dream about her in awhile, so why now?  Did meeting Nick on Saturday cause her to come back to me?  Or maybe her birthday?  Who knows....

8 comments:

Jenn said...

I think your dreams sound lovely. I've never dreamed of Micah. Also, I imagine you would have a different point on view on holding your own child and would probably find it hard to put your own baby down. The cursing? I'm not usually a curser, but sometimes I can't seem to find any other words that really express the depth of what I'm feeling. Maybe that's why it makes you feel better?

Tabatha said...

Thinking of you!! I totally and completely understand about cursing! I think it releases endorphins :)

And I get what you're saying about being able to hold babies, but not Nick. Some days I am fine and can rub bellies and hold babies and be genuinely happy. Other days (like these last few weeks) I just want to spit when I see them! It's a reminder of what we don't have. I often see baby bumps and think.. i bet they don't worry about their kid dying.. I bet they won't think the worst everytime they walk into their room.. I bet it was easy to make the decision to start their family. It's definitely a cluster fuck!

I had similar dreams about Savanna. She came back to life in my dreams, but everyone else held her but wouldn't give her back to me. I have heard these similar dreams from other BLM's I think it's part of our hunger to have them in our arms. But don't be too hard on yourself.. you did make it to the hospital and that is an extravagant milestone all in itself!

When you are ready, you will hold little Nick.. and he will understand :) ((HUGS)) to you mama! Thinking of you daily

Becky said...

I too have had many dreams about Liam,think there are more nightmaresk than anything, makes it even harder on me I think

Melissa said...

I found the 6 month mark especially hard emotionally, and I think what you are experiencing is normal. It may feel like it's hard for people to understand these feelings and being unable to hold Nick, but as a bereaved parent I get it and you have to remember to let yourself feel what you feel at the moment and be ok with it. It's hard, but it will get easier. =)

Holly said...

I'm with Melissa...6 months was hard. Don't beat yourself up for not doing as well as you thought you should've meeting Nick. It isn't the easiest thing being around babies after you've lost your own

Susan said...

Drop as many F-bombs as you need to!!! This is your space; use it however you need to use it. If it's any condolence, F-bombs make me feel better, too. :-) I agree with the other girls; 6 months was difficult for me. 1 week, 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 12 months. As far as your nephew goes, do not feel bad about the way you reacted. I know it's easier said than done, but don't feel bad. It's so hard to see newborns after you have lost your own; it brings thoughts and feeling to a rolling boil, regardless of whether or not you want that rolling boil. Try again when you are ready. Hopefully people will understand. Hopefully people will take a moment to think about how they would feel if they were in your shoes; if not, it's their loss. Do not make yourself feel bad about it. Be kind to yourself...the rest will come. Promise.

Missy said...

6 months is hard. I wish I had the right words to help you not feel ashamed. I held my nephew a day after he was born, but I haven't been able to hold him since. I have no plans to hold him anytime in the future. I just can't. I think your own child would be different. Thinking of you and sending love mama.

New Year Mum said...

Completely understand about not being able to hold newborns... don't be hard on yourself. Lovely that you can dream about Addison - but must be so difficult to see her and not be able to touch her xoxo

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved