Remembering Ellie on her 1st Angelversary

Remembering you, sweet little Ellie, and thinking about your momma and daddy over the next few days.  Today and tomorrow will be 2 of the hardest days they will ever face.  May your light shine on forever.  Keep an eye on your mom, dad and Max.  Lots of love to you, Tiffany!

Chasing a rainbow is...discouraging at best

     I need something...motivation, a sign, anything!  I'm ready to give up and accept that I was never meant to have children.  It took us almost 3 years of not preventing pregnancy to concieve Addison and now, there seems to be no hope on the horizon.  When I originally started this journey a year ago,  I had excellent motivation...the future held for me the prospect of a healthy child.  Almost 14 months and 80lbs shed after her death, I am losing any and all hope.  I have always been an emotional eater and I find myself regressing back to the old ways.  Which, of course just makes me feel worse.
    I have no motivation whatsoever.  7 months of trying with no BFP has weighed heavily on my heart.  I'm so emotional, so snappy.  I KNOW there are families out there who have struggled longer, or who have had multiple losses, so even thinking this way makes me feel selfish.  That, too, makes me feel even worse.
     Ugh...I knew this was going to be hard, but DAMN.  They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I'm calling "bullshit" once again.  I know for many, turning to God after a loss helps with the grieving process.  But not for me.  I'm sure that's rooted in the fact that I've never had a strong faith in God or religion.  All I know is I'm tired of constantly being tested.  I should have a happy 14 month old sitting here with me today...instead all I have are tears and memories.  I'm tired of being strong (because I'm not) and I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay (because it's not).  Things will never be right again, simply because she's not here and nothing will ever change that, rainbow or not.

Remembering Julius on his 1st Angelversary

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to do any graphics last night so I couldn't post this.  But I wanted to make sure to remember Tiffany's sweet boy on his first angelversary.  Keep watch over your momma and daddy little Juju, they miss you so much!

Hope resonates...

     Despite the place I'm in right now, I've decided to link up to Fran's Small Miracles Blog Hop this week.  Hope is there, no matter how small.  Tomorrow, my nephew, will face yet another heart surgery.  He isn't even 3 years old, yet this boy has fought and survived 2 heart surgeries, one of which was a full on, invasive open heart surgery.  Tomorrow will be his second open heart.  I look at that little boy and can't help but feel hope rising...he is a fighter.  I know he will get through this.  But it still scares the crap out of me.  When we first found out he had a hole in his heart, I was optimistic.  I know how resilient babies are.  I knew he would come though with flying colors.  He was 6 months old when he had his 2nd surgery, the first open heart surgery.  Now, at almost 3, I'm not nearly as confident.  I can't help but wonder if that is because of losing her.  My hope is so hard to find...but its there.  I know he can get through this...I know it.  At least that's what I keep telling myself.  Born with Ventricular Septal Defect and holes in his heart, Z is a miracle, plain and simple.  Today, he gives me hope, that no matter how small you are, the fight can and will go on.  A fight that he will eventually win...

Happy birthday Meredith!

At a time when it wasn't acceptable to speak of a child's death, Meredith arrived in this world too soon.  Her momma, Sarita, never got the chance to even say hello.  Meredith passed away 3 days later, never getting the chance to be held by her mother.  Today we remember another little one gone too soon.  Happy birthday Meredith!