Friday, October 21, 2011

Chasing a rainbow is...discouraging at best

     I need something...motivation, a sign, anything!  I'm ready to give up and accept that I was never meant to have children.  It took us almost 3 years of not preventing pregnancy to concieve Addison and now, there seems to be no hope on the horizon.  When I originally started this journey a year ago,  I had excellent motivation...the future held for me the prospect of a healthy child.  Almost 14 months and 80lbs shed after her death, I am losing any and all hope.  I have always been an emotional eater and I find myself regressing back to the old ways.  Which, of course just makes me feel worse.
    I have no motivation whatsoever.  7 months of trying with no BFP has weighed heavily on my heart.  I'm so emotional, so snappy.  I KNOW there are families out there who have struggled longer, or who have had multiple losses, so even thinking this way makes me feel selfish.  That, too, makes me feel even worse.
     Ugh...I knew this was going to be hard, but DAMN.  They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I'm calling "bullshit" once again.  I know for many, turning to God after a loss helps with the grieving process.  But not for me.  I'm sure that's rooted in the fact that I've never had a strong faith in God or religion.  All I know is I'm tired of constantly being tested.  I should have a happy 14 month old sitting here with me today...instead all I have are tears and memories.  I'm tired of being strong (because I'm not) and I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay (because it's not).  Things will never be right again, simply because she's not here and nothing will ever change that, rainbow or not.

10 comments:

Addi's mom said...

I can only believe that you ARE meant to have more children and I am SO sorry it hasn't happened yet. None of this is fair or right, but the fact that you are still having to work so hard to make Addison a big sister is a new kind of torture. You are doing everything right, hold onto whatever hope you can find. It WILL happen, I just wish you didn't have to wait any longer!

Tiffany said...

i definitely call BS on that quote. and i hate when people say it to me. because it insinuates that God is the one that TOOK my child from me. and why? because he KNEW i would handle it?? ok, i'm sorry, but i just can't believe in a god that jerks people around like that.

i'm so so sorry you are having such a rough time. i really do understand how you feel - just trying to find some reason to hope for the future of your family. i hope very soon you get what you wish for. ((hugs))

Priscilla said...

My heart goes out to you. I don't think many words can help during such a hard time, but I have to say...don't give up! I know there were many times when my husband and I would tell each other that we just need to accept the fact that we'll never have living children, but I'm so glad that we didn't.

Also, you're not selfish at ALL. Every situation is different and every situation is HARD. This life of infertility and babyloss just downright sucks. Whether someone's been going through it for one year or eight, it's hard every day that you have to endure it. I hate that you guys have had to go through it for as long as you have and I pray that there will be a BFP in your future SOON!

I'm totally with you on calling that phrase "bullshit." That's exactly what that is. For years, I tried to repeat that phrase over and over to myself and after losing Olivia, I finally said I'm done. I'm done trying to convince myself of that. I wish there was a more legitimate phrase for those of us in these shoes that could help soften the pain.

I wish so badly that your sweet daughter was here, doing things that a 14 month old should do. A rainbow will never change that, but I pray that a rainbow will help bring smiles that for so long were missing. Praying and hoping for you!!!!

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

Dear Mary... you have been through so much and had such a hard journey. You are certainly not selfish. I find that quote very hard too... I'm not particularly religious and I don't like the idea of being 'tested' in some way. Your love for Addison and future kids will hopefully see you through... my heart goes out to you and thinking of you always xoxo

Natasha said...

Oh Mary I'm so very sorry you are struggling right now. I'm praying for you lady......

The Zoo said...

I wish that there was something that I could do... say. Unfortunately, no words can bring back our babies. Trust me, I tried. Thinking of you.

Sarita Boyette said...

Mary, I know how discouraging this is. We had a hard time conceiving after Meredith. Good for you for losing weight. You are doing your part. Please don't lose hope, dear.

Melissa said...

I don't have the words to take away the pain Mary, but I am hoping and praying that something will happen that gives you hope. The waiting is hard, so hard. Hugs mama.

Missy said...

Feeling your pain and sending love your way my friend. Remembering Addison~

Holly said...

I know it is discouraging and I'm sorry for all that you've been thru. I don't like it when people say that God wont give you anything you can't handle and I have a deep faith. People don't know much when it comes to how God works in our lives. Most are merely guesses and platitudes.

 
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