I need something...motivation, a sign, anything! I'm ready to give up and accept that I was never meant to have children. It took us almost 3 years of not preventing pregnancy to concieve Addison and now, there seems to be no hope on the horizon. When I originally started this journey a year ago, I had excellent motivation...the future held for me the prospect of a healthy child. Almost 14 months and 80lbs shed after her death, I am losing any and all hope. I have always been an emotional eater and I find myself regressing back to the old ways. Which, of course just makes me feel worse.
I have no motivation whatsoever. 7 months of trying with no BFP has weighed heavily on my heart. I'm so emotional, so snappy. I KNOW there are families out there who have struggled longer, or who have had multiple losses, so even thinking this way makes me feel selfish. That, too, makes me feel even worse.
Ugh...I knew this was going to be hard, but DAMN. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I'm calling "bullshit" once again. I know for many, turning to God after a loss helps with the grieving process. But not for me. I'm sure that's rooted in the fact that I've never had a strong faith in God or religion. All I know is I'm tired of constantly being tested. I should have a happy 14 month old sitting here with me today...instead all I have are tears and memories. I'm tired of being strong (because I'm not) and I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay (because it's not). Things will never be right again, simply because she's not here and nothing will ever change that, rainbow or not.
Fallon Jade Rilling
2 days ago