12/12/12

You know, I promised myself that I wouldn't forget about my blog once my rainbow arrived, but WOW!  I'm finding it so difficult to find time to write.  Hopefully I can get a few lines in before the J-man wakes up.

12/12/12 marked his 5 month birthday.  So hard to believes he's 5 months old already!  Time needs to slow down....We started solids around 4 months, which he LOVES!  He still hasn't rolled from belly to back, but, honestly he hates being on his back so I'm not surprised.  He would much rather sit up.  He loves his bumbo, or his swing and even his high chair...anything that helps him see what's going on.

No teeth yet, but boy is he grumpy some days...I just wish they would break through already, the drool is crazy!

At his 4 month check up (which was actually closer to his 5 month mark) he weighed 16lbs 4oz and was 26 1/4 inches.  He's dropped a bit in percentile for his weight, but he continues to be well into the 90's for his length.  Gonna be tall like his daddy!

Anyway, I better finish up for now.  Here's a few pics of my sweet boy, including a few from his 3 month photo shoot.

 

27 months--missing you more than usual, especially today

     I don't know why, but I'm missing you more than normal these days...maybe it's because the holiday season is here.  I look at your little brother and realize just how much I missed out on with you.  It's just not right.
     I look at the title I just wrote and it blows my mind that it's been 27 months since I last kissed your cheek.  You know, even to this day, I regret not spending more time with your little body.  But, in my heart, I knew it wasn't you.  You left your body long before I ever got to see your face.  Still, I regret the things I didn't do.  I probably always will.
     I miss you, plain and simple.  I find myself wondering what life would be like if you were here.  Would Joshy be here too?  Would I be going crazy with an almost 5 month old and a 27 month old to take care of?
     In a way I'm both dreading the holidays and excited for them to come.  Last year, I was newly pregnant, excited to announce to our family.  In fact, exactly one year ago today, I found out your brother was on his way.  I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on the fact you were missing yet another Christmas...I was too scared of what might happen to the new little life growing inside me.  This year is different though.  While I have Josh here, it still reminds me of everything I didn't get to do for/with you.
     I love you little one, more and more each day.  I wish you were here with us.

CYG Day 12: Scents

This one was difficult for me because no scent really reminds me of her.  The pink blanket seen in all of these pictures used to smell like her.  She was wrapped in this blanket the first time I saw and held her.  Unfortunately the blanket no longer smells like her, but for many months her smell lingered.  I slept with that blanket for well over a year.  To this day, it hangs on the headboard just above my side of the bed.

CYG Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family

Above all, he has been my rock.  My husband has been by my side through everything, not just te loss of our daughter.  I've been lucky enough to have a large support system since she died.  My mother and step-father, my in laws and a few select friends.  I wish I had a picture of everyone together but I don't.

CYG Day 10: Symbol

The first time I felt her move, I remember saying it felt like butterfly wings. After she died, butterflies became her symbol. Every year on her birthday it seems as though butterflies are everywhere. This little beauty was captured by one of my best friends on Addie's first birthday when she was doing a newborn shoot. Butterflies hold a special place in my heart and always will. ♥

Capture Your Grief Day 9: Special Place

Not only does she hold a special place in my heart, but also in my home.

Capture Your Grief Day 8: Jewelry

My rainbow holding the necklace I've worn everyday since my oldest, bestest friend in the whole world gave it to me.

Capture Your Grief Day 7: What to Say

Her name will always be music to my ears.  It tells me that people remember her.  It acknowledges her existence.  Saying her name is the best gift anyone could give me.

Capture Your Grief Day 6: What Not to Say

These 2 phrases, well meaning or not, hurt the worst.  First of all, don't tell me there's a better place for my daughter other than her momma's arms.  That was so hard for me to fathom...still is.  The second phrase I absolutely hated.  I know part of the hatred comes from a lack of faith and relationship with God.  He didn't NEED my little girl.  I NEEDED her.

Capture Your Grief Day 5: Memorial

Around our house we have so many reminders of her, but my favorite memorial(s) to her has to be her gardens.  I think its because I created them.  I always feel closer to her when I'm working in the gardens.  These are some of the gladiolas I planted.  They're August's birth flower and so gorgeous!

Capture Your Grief Day 4: Most Treasured Item

Of everything I have that reminds me of her, my tattoo has to be my favorite.  I carry her feet with me always.

Capture Your Grief Day 3: Self Portrait After Loss

This is me with my Molly Bear.  I love having a weighted, physical representation of my daughter that I can hug any time I need to.

Capture Your Grief Day 2: Self Portrait before Loss

This is a picture of me taken about a month before I found out I was pregnant with Addie.  I had no idea how much my life would change in less than a year.  Here I was, enjoying vacation in San Diego, no worries, no fears....  Things can change so quickly.

Capture Your Grief Day 1: Sunrise

I'm participating in Carly Marie's Capture Your Grief to celebrate Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  I missed the sunrise because a certain rainbow was hungry, but this is just beautiful.  It was very foggy this morning anyway. so I doubt the sunrise would've been visible.

Some days....

Some days I can't believe that you're not here with me.

Some days I miss you more than I thought was still possible.

Some days I find my mind still wanders to you.  I wonder who you'd look like, what you would be doing now.

Some days I wonder if you were meant to be.

Some days life seems normal...almost.

But every day, I miss you more.  Though I may not think of you as often, I am reminded of you every time I look in your brother's face.

I love you.  Happy 25 months sweet Addie.  You are always and forever in my heart.

2 months old!

Seriously?!  My baby boy is 2 months old?!  Man, where has the time gone...soon I'll be heading back to work and missing out on all the cute things he does every day.  Oh how I wish I could stay home, or at least cut my hours back.  One day maybe...

Josh made his first road trip in August.  We went to a Thompson family reunion in western Kentucky.  He did surprisingly well.  We broke the 11 hour trip into 2 days.  Thankfully he slept most of the time.  He also went camping for the first time over Labor Day weekend.  Looks like he's fitting in just fine.  He likes the outdoors just as much as we do.

He's been smiling reactively since about 4 weeks old.  Love his smile!  He's got his Daddy's one dimple (same cheek and everything) although he may end up having 2.  Its hard to tell with those chubby cheeks.

He's been "cooing" too, since about 6 or 7 weeks.  I have cooing in quotes because it's not the quintessential coo that everyone knows.  It sounds more like "oooooohhhhh" and he makes an "o" face (his lips form an "o").

He also kind of giggles.  I can't quite explain the sound but I love it.  He gets excited, legs kicking and everything, and makes this noise. 

He LOVES his play mat.  He usually spends an hour a day just kicking and batting at the stuff above his head.

Here's just a few pics of my sweet boy.  Ugh, I still can't believe he's mine sometimes!

Happy 2nd Birthday little butterfly

So, here it is...your second birthday.  How can it be 2 years already.  It seems like yesterday that I last saw your chubby little face.  There's so much I want to say, but I don't have the words...

 

 

 

I miss you.  I still wonder what you'd be like today; who would you look like, what would you like to do, what would you love to eat.  I'm missing out on so much with you.  Happy birthday baby girl.  You're never forgotten.

 

Also, wanted to send out a huge thank you to Sarita, who never fails to remember Addie's birthday.  Thank you so much the card was beautiful!

 

 

**I'm a little late posting this...had a very eventful week.  August 27th marked Addie's 2nd birthday.  Her candle stayed lit all day to mark her special day.  We miss you!









It melted my heart....

(This post was supposed to publish yesterday and didn't.  No idea why.)

I can't believe J will be 6 weeks old tomorrow.  Where has the time gone?  It's certainly going way too fast.

Today, while being held by his great aunt, he turned his head towards my voice and smiled.  Talk about melting my heart.... 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm still guarding my heart from being hurt again.  Its not that I don't love my son, because I do.  I love him more than my own life...but there's still that fear.  I guess its to be expected.  Some days it still doesn't feel real...is he really mine to keep?  But, for how long?  I hate being like this...I hate having these fears...while I accept this new life, I definitely don't like it.  Being a BLM sucks.

My Colorful Rainbow

My oldest best friend in the world came all the way from Pittsburgh to shoot J's newborn pics.  I couldn't be happier with how they turned out.  Thank you Cindy for being such a wonderful friend and a talented photographer!  Love you Momma!