17 months and 13 weeks...two significant yet so different milestones

Ohhhhh, baby girl.  Another month has passed without you.  I still miss you; I still love you...that will NEVER change.  And I mean never!  How appropriate is is that Daddy and I got to see your little brother or sister on your 17 month birthday?  I have never heard such a beautiful sound as the heartbeat of your sibling.  I never realized just how much I enjoyed hearing your heartbeat until the day is wasn't there.  I've tried not to let myself get too attached to him/her but hearing the heartbeat, so strong and so fast, is hard to resist.  I'm still scared something will happen.  After all, you were seemingly healthy.  We had no idea anything was wrong until we found out we'd never hear your beautiful heartbeat again.

I've thought about you a lot lately.  Wondering why I haven't had a "bad" day in a long time.  Yeah, I've shed a few tears when my mind wanders to that horrible day.  But, I find myself smiling more when I think of you.  I even went into your room recently and pulled out the dress you were wearing in the hospital.  It's the first time I've ever touched it, other than when it was on you.  Grief is a funny thing isn't it?  It turns you into a person you never thought you would become.  For me, I sometimes feel like I've been so selfish.  Especially in the beginning...all I could think about was me.  Why me, why did this happen to me, what did I do to deserve this.  Me, me, me...sometimes I forgot that there were other people around me, grieving just the same.  Though they may not have been grieving for you specifically, they grieved for the pain others were going through.  But there were others...you are not only a daughter, but a niece, a granddaughter, a cousin.  You were so many things to so many people, and it's often overlooked.  But I can guarantee you this...you'll never be forgotten...by anyone.

17 months is far too long to be without you, but time is just going to get longer.  I think I've finally accepted this fact.  But that won't keep me from missing you. I will always consider myself lucky to have known you the way I did.  Although I never got to meet you on the outside, there's nothing like the bond between a mother and a child.  After all, you heard my heart beat from the inside.

Your little brother/sister is growing as s/he should, measuring a few days ahead of what s/he should be.  I'm finally out of the first trimester, thank goodness.  The doctor says everything is looking great, which I must say is a relief.  But, I still can't relax until I hear that scream.  I can remember wishing that, even though I knew your heartbeat was long gone, you would scream when they pulled you from me.  I had hoped it was all just a nightmare...but it wasn't.  *sigh*

So, little one, I'll leave you with some pics of your brother or sister.  S/he was moving around a lot during the ultrasound...reminded me of you.  You kept turning away from the probe, not allowing the sonographer to get the measurements she needed.  At least this little one seemed to cooperate a little bit better.  :)

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Love,
Momma