18 months to forever...

I dreamed of you last night. It's been a long time since you've visited me in my sleep.  I have to say it was a welcome visit and heart wrenching at the same time.  You were grown up, the toddler I had always wished for.  Your hair was so blond (almost white), much like Daddy's when he was little, and just a trace of red left.  Crystal clear blue eyes and little ringlets that touched your shoulders.  You seemed tall for your age, something I had always hoped you would inherit from Daddy.  You were so busy running around pointing at things and playing.  You smiled nonstop and even laughed.  It was as if you were telling me you're okay; telling me that you're happy.  There are times I need that assurance.  It's hard for me, knowing I couldn't keep you safe until you were born.  Essentially, your death was my fault.  Down and dirty, that's the truth.  It was my immune system that attacked you.  I KNOW everyone says it's not my fault and, yes, there are so many factors that led to your death, but deep down, it was my body that failed you.  But, I've accepted the things that I cannot change.  Do I like it?  Hell no.  Do I wish you were here?  Hell yes.  But there's not a damn thing I can do about it.  As much as I would like to, I can't change the past.  I can only dream of the future and wonder what life would be like with you here.  It's hard to believe 18 months has passed already.  I still wonder how I've survived without you.

I miss you sweet girl.  I love you forever and beyond...