The picture that's missing...

All over Facebook there are pictures dedicated to the first day of school.  It's the time of year parents are rejoicing and kids are complaining.  But this parent right here is wishing I could be the one taking those pictures.  Addison should be heading off to kindergarten this year.

Its been nearly 5 years since I last saw my sweet girl.  Five freaking years...how is that possible.  How is it that I'm missing one of the most crucial points in my little girl's life?  How is it that my chance to put her on that bus for the first time has been taken away?  How is it that I'm not allowed to braid her hair for that all too important first impression?

Oh this month is taking a toll on me.  More than I thought it would.  I recently saw a meme that hit home.  It said something to the tune of when you become a BLM, not only do you lose a baby, you lose a 5 year old, 10 year old, etc.  You lose the milestones, you lose the future, not just the present.  And, good lord, it's a hard reality to face.

Sigh...

Yes, I know.  Its been a long time.  This space was created as a place for me to write down my feelings after losing Addison.  Yes, I have added in some life updates, but I try to keep it about her.  Today is one of the days when the grief hits me like a ton of bricks.  Today, she should be 4 1/2 years old.  How has it been four and a half years since she was born?  How have I survived without her?  Why was I forced to continue without her?

She came to me in a dream the other night.  Well, the little girl in my head is what I imagine her looking like now, but she had changed so much from the last time I dreamed of her.  I can't even remember the last time she entered my dreams.  She's tall and thin, with just a bit of the toddler pudge.  Her hair is long and thick, not as curly but still the natural waves.  Its not nearly as red as previous dreams, but still a hint of that strawberry in her blonde.  As always, I am never able to hug her or even get close enough to touch her; she just smiles and waves.  can I just say that even that sucks.  I know it's just a dream but why won't my subconscious even let me touch her.  Sigh...