Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The brick wall that is my life...and a new book, Baby Dust

  I feel like I have hit a brick wall.  I can't seem to go any farther and it's killing me.  I had hoped that by her birthday we would be expecting our rainbow, but it has yet to happen.  Every month I am reminded of how I have failed.  Just like I failed to keep her safe...failed to bring her into this world, a healthy child.  It's hard not to blame myself when it was my job to keep her safe for 40 weeks.  I tried to do everything right, but it didn't work.  And, now, it seems as though all my body wants to do is continue to fail.  I thought having to wait for 6 months to start trying again was torture...HA!
    Everywhere around me I hear of rainbows.  It's not that I'm not happy for theses mommas, it's just hard not to wonder if my time will ever come.  And it's hard not to be jealous.  And I really don't like HATE that I feel this way.  I wonder if I just need to take a break from all of this.  I love reading the updates and finding out how everyone is doing, but it makes my heart ache even more that I can't share in these experiences.  Then, yet another member of my family announces they are expecting as well.  It's so f***ing frustrating.  I guess I just need to stop reading...I need to shut myself off from the rest of the world.  That just doesn't seem like a viable option though...I just don't know anymore.

     On a side note, Deanna Roy has released a new book called Baby Dust which details the life of several women after the loss of a child.  Deanna also created a trailer that included photos taken by members of the first Illuminate class.  I was proud to have 2 of my photos selected to be in this trailer.  I am looking forward to reading the soon as I find my Kindle.  You can watch the trailer here.


Natasha said...

Oh Mary- you are so not a failure. You are an amazing mama to Addie and she loves you so much. I am so sorry that you're having a rough time. It's so hard this life we've been given.....I'm praying for you my friend.

Lots of love.....xoxo

Lindy and Gabe said...

Mary, I'm so sorry you have to go through this! I know where you're coming from. It's so hard to deal with everyone else's pregnancies and babies when you're so ready to hold a baby in your arms. It's not fair that your trip through hell has to be longer than other people's. I sometimes wish my future self could just come tell me how everything works out. Being in limbo is a special kind of torture. You're strong, you are NOT a failure, and you'll make it through this. Hugs to you!

Tiffany said...

Mary, you are most definitely not a failure! You did not choose this for your life and you would have done whatever you could to keep your daughter here, happy and healthy. That being said, I understand why you feel this way, because I feel like it to sometimes. It's hard when something happens to our babies, even though it's not logical to think we can control everything, we feel like we should be able to, for them. But we can't. Our lives would be so different if we could. Thinking of you!

DandelionBreeze said...

I know how you feel about hoping things would be different by our little ones first birthday and then not getting pregnant month after month. It is so heartbreaking. I needed to take a break from blogging too for this reason... and have come back feeling refreshed. Be gentle on yourself. You're an amazing mum with such a generous and beautiful heart xoxo

Beryl said...

*hugs* Mary. I really hope you'll look back on this post and this day and realize the reason behind each feeling and each emotion. I hope you find your rainbow, however or whenever that may come. And I am so proud of you for submitting to the Baby Dust trailer. We need an Illuminate book club to read and discuss this book together. ;)

Remembering Alexander said...

Congratulations on having your photos selected.

I just posted today about how pregnancy announcements are driving me off the deep end.

You are not alone in these "jealous" feelings. I'm sorry to hear that you too feel excluded.

I hope that your dream of a second child comes true.

Happy Birthday to Addison.

Missy said...

Oh Mary, I hear myself echoing in your words especially in having a recent family announcement. It's one thing to distance yourself from the blog world, and a whole other to have it in your daily life. It is so hard and I feel torn in two. Know that I am out here floating along with you and hoping for the both of us. Love to you and Addison~

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