15 months and a feeling of gratitude

Sweet Addie,
     I'm a little late posting this, I know.  It's been a crazy weekend with Thanksgiving and all.  But, happy 15 months baby girl.  Do you know how much I missed not having a rambunctious 15 month old to chase while I was preparing Thanksgiving dinner?  There will always be something missing in my life...no matter how many children we have, there should always be one more.
     I barely remember this time last year.  I was still in such a haze...hated the fact that the holidays were coming closer and you weren't here to see it.  Its my favorite time of the year and I hated it.  I have to say, though, this year I am looking forward to the holiday season once again.  I am thankful for the fact that you graced our lives, even for a short time.  You've helped me see the small things in life and appreciate what I have.  Yes, I often find myself dwelling on what I have lost, but it's not nearly as hard to remember what I have.  YOU taught me that...YOU taught me what it is to love unconditionally...YOU taught me what it means to be truly grateful...YOU taught me to love with my whole heart (or what's left of it).  YOU have made more of a difference in my life than I will ever understand.
     I love you and miss you sweet girl.

Love,
Momma

Giveaway Winners!

     Using random.org, 2 winners were chosen.  Congrats to Melissa (comment 6) and Tiffany (comment 2).  Please email me your address and calendar choice so I can order them from Red Bubble.  My email is mickiec21@gmail.com.

    I plan on having a few other giveaways during the holiday, so stay tuned!  Thank you again to everyone out there who has helped me and supported me!

Gratitude and Giveaways

    Although I am thankful every day for what I have in my life, now is the time of year that gratitude shines through.  Every day I am thankful for the family and friends who have supported me, who have stuck by me, even at a time when I didn't want them to.  The more I alienated myself, the more they come around.  I am grateful for that.  I have people in my life who, no matter how bitchy or moody I am, stick by me.  How lucky am I to have a husband that overlooks my faults, ignores my nasty moods and always tries to make me smile?  How lucky am I to have a husband who is patient and kind, knows when to "smother" me and knows when to leave me alone.  I never thought luck would have a place in my vocabulary after she died, but it's there.  I am lucky to have known her at all, despite never getting the chance to meet her on the outside.   And, I am grateful for the things I've learned since losing her.  No, life hasn't been easy, but I've come to expect that.  Although I'm still not in the greatest of places, I can still see through the fog; I can recognize what I am and should be grateful for.

     That brings me to the giveaway...I am SO VERY grateful to the friends I have met online.  Some days, when it seems like no one understands, some one does.  I am lucky to have people who are endlessly supportive and who really do understand what I am feeling.  So, to all my friends out there in the virtual world, THANK YOU.  As a show of gratitude, I have decided to give away 2 "Lost for Words" calendars.  Carly Marie Dudley and Franchesca Cox designed 2 beautiful calendars this year.  

You can check out Fran's here and Carly's here.   

To enter, all you need to do is write which calendar you would like.  I will choose 2 random winners on my birthday, which is 19 November.  The calendars will ship directly from Red Bubble.
**Don't forget to tell your friends about the giveaway!**

Happy Birthday Aiden!

  Today I am remembering Aiden William Jackson, born silently 1 year ago today.  Hugs to your momma and daddy.  Watch over them and your little brother too!  Sending you lots of love and hugs today, Natasha.

A lifetime without you...

     At least, that's what it feels like.  Fourteen months without you is too long.  Hard to believe that I have many more years of missing you; of wishing you were here.
     I lied today.  I was asked that question...you know the typical kid questions you get after Halloween.  "What did your kids dress as?" a coworker asked.  My reply, "I don't have kids."  I fucking hate myself for saying that...I HATE the fact that I feel like I have to say it.  Why can't I just tell them my daughter died.  I guess it's because I still don't want that sympathy.  I want people to remember that you existed, not that you died.

This has been my mantra, almost from the time I found out you had died.  And, now, it will be included in a calendar to be distributed around the world.  This calendar is the creation of Carly Dudley.  She and Franchesca Cox created 2 calendars this year, a long with their Lost for Words card line.  Carly and Fran asked for submissions and Carly chose mine to be included in her calendar.  I have always loved her work and this pic is just beautiful.  She and Fran did a wonderful job on their respective calendars.  I can't wait to order mine.  But you, little one, should get the credit.  You are my inspiration, you are my life, you are my world.  I just wish we could share the same world together.

      I miss you, can you tell?  It still blows my mind how much I miss you...I never really got the chance to meet you, yet a piece of my heart died when you did.

     Here we go into another holiday season.  I'm not ready for this yet...I don't want to have to face another joyous season without you here.  Would a baby brother or sister help?  Yeah, probably.  I'd have someone new to share my favorite time of the year with, but I could never forget you.  I want to hang your stocking this year...I hope I'll be brave enough.

     I miss you, can you tell?

     Life goes on, as it always does.  Another month will soon pass and I'll be writing to you again.  It doesn't matter, though, how much time passes...my love for you will never change.