Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A lifetime without you...

     At least, that's what it feels like.  Fourteen months without you is too long.  Hard to believe that I have many more years of missing you; of wishing you were here.
     I lied today.  I was asked that question...you know the typical kid questions you get after Halloween.  "What did your kids dress as?" a coworker asked.  My reply, "I don't have kids."  I fucking hate myself for saying that...I HATE the fact that I feel like I have to say it.  Why can't I just tell them my daughter died.  I guess it's because I still don't want that sympathy.  I want people to remember that you existed, not that you died.

This has been my mantra, almost from the time I found out you had died.  And, now, it will be included in a calendar to be distributed around the world.  This calendar is the creation of Carly Dudley.  She and Franchesca Cox created 2 calendars this year, a long with their Lost for Words card line.  Carly and Fran asked for submissions and Carly chose mine to be included in her calendar.  I have always loved her work and this pic is just beautiful.  She and Fran did a wonderful job on their respective calendars.  I can't wait to order mine.  But you, little one, should get the credit.  You are my inspiration, you are my life, you are my world.  I just wish we could share the same world together.

      I miss you, can you tell?  It still blows my mind how much I miss you...I never really got the chance to meet you, yet a piece of my heart died when you did.

     Here we go into another holiday season.  I'm not ready for this yet...I don't want to have to face another joyous season without you here.  Would a baby brother or sister help?  Yeah, probably.  I'd have someone new to share my favorite time of the year with, but I could never forget you.  I want to hang your stocking this year...I hope I'll be brave enough.

     I miss you, can you tell?

     Life goes on, as it always does.  Another month will soon pass and I'll be writing to you again.  It doesn't matter, though, how much time passes...my love for you will never change.


Addi's mom said...

What a great addition to the calendar. It does feel like a lifetime already....sigh.

DandelionBreeze said...

That is such a beautiful quote... so looking forward to seeing their calendars :) I know how you feel about heading into this holiday season without our little ones... this is meant to be such a happy time of year but it's joy is lost without our little ones. Thinking of you and Addison xoxo

Natasha said...

Your quote for the calendar is beautiful!

I didn't hang Aiden's stocking last year- I couldn't handle it so I didn't hang any of our stockings. But this year I think I'm ready to put it up.

The holiday season is rough but I know your little Addison will be with you and sending down lots of love.


Deanna said...

I love your quote, Mary. I don't know if I am ready for the holidays either. I guess we'll have to see. Sending you lots of love and remembering Addison always.

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