***I've been trying to write this for a few weeks now, I just haven't been able to finish until today. ***
Hiya baby girl,
So, your 19 month birthday passed...and for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have no idea why, either. Even your 18 month birthday didn't hit me this hard. I felt like I was fighting tears all day and that was hard. Especially when I had to conduct an interview in the afternoon. I wish I knew why this birthday hit me so hard. I wonder if it has anything to do with your little brother. The farther along I get in this pregnancy with him, the more I compare this pregnancy with yours. It's so different...it makes me wonder if there were signs I just didn't see. Being a first time mom, I had no comparison. I read all the books, searched the internet, just to make sure what I experienced was normal. The biggest sign is the fact that he is so much more active than you ever were. Was this a sign? Was there something wrong, even this early? I just don't know anymore. Sometimes I wonder if you were ever meant to be. Its hard not to wonder. And it certainly doesn't make missing you any easier.
I miss you, that will never change. I don't regret having you; I regret never getting to know you. I regret not saying more when you stopped moving around so much. This month has been full of regret. I know my hormones are crazy right now, but I don't think that's the reason I'm feeling this way. I just miss you...it's as simple as that...love you little one.
Fallon Jade Rilling
4 days ago