Thursday, April 12, 2012

Like a ton of bricks....

***I've been trying to write this for a few weeks now, I just haven't been able to finish until today. ***


Hiya baby girl,
     So, your 19 month birthday passed...and for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have no idea why, either.  Even your 18 month birthday didn't hit me this hard.  I felt like I was fighting tears all day and that was hard.  Especially when I had to conduct an interview in the afternoon.  I wish I knew why this birthday hit me so hard.  I wonder if it has anything to do with your little brother.  The farther along I get in this pregnancy with him, the more I compare this pregnancy with yours.  It's so different...it makes me wonder if there were signs I just didn't see.  Being a first time mom, I had no comparison.  I read all the books, searched the internet, just to make sure what I experienced was normal.  The biggest sign is the fact that he is so much more active than you ever were.  Was this a sign?  Was there something wrong, even this early?  I just don't know anymore.  Sometimes I wonder if you were ever meant to be.  Its hard not to wonder.  And it certainly doesn't make missing you any easier.
     I miss you, that will never change.  I don't regret having you; I regret never getting to know you.  I regret not saying more when you stopped moving around so much.  This month has been full of regret.  I know my hormones are crazy right now, but I don't think that's the reason I'm feeling this way.  I just miss you...it's as simple as that...love you little one.

Momma

8 comments:

Melissa said...

She was always meant to be, maybe not in the way you first imagined but always remember how much she touched your lives with her brief time with you. Hugs Mary!

Priscilla said...

Some months definitely hit harder than others. I'm sorry this month was one of those. :( I do think the emotions mixed with being pregnant with a rainbow can impact that. It's hard not to compare and question things. I hope the months ahead are gentle on you. Your sweet girl was definitely meant to be. I wish you would've been able to get to know her longer than the 9 months you had with her, but that short time was/is most definitely priceless. Lots of love!

DandelionBreeze... aka NYMum said...

Such a beautiful letter... you did everything possible and could never have know what was going to happen. You are an amazing mum to both your kids xoxo

Tiffany said...

thinking of you and Addie. being pregnant after losing a child is so hard. ((hugs))

Sarah Erwin said...

I understand that comparison feeling. Grey was much more active than Holden.
Thinking about you and I can't wait for your arms to be "heavy" with a screaming baby! HUGS!!

Natasha said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Addie. It's so very hard some days. It can really hit out of no where. And being pregnant after a loss can be incredibly draining. Although you're so happy you are living with constant fear. For me the fear was bad in the beginning of the pregnancy, eased up a little in the middle, but it came back with a vengeance as we got close to Mason's induction date. I just knew we were going to lose him just like we lost Aiden. And you're right you are so much more aware during your subsequent pregnancy. I also feel that Mason moved WAY more than Aiden. I think part of it was God saving me from 9 months of going insane with worry. But part of me also wonders if I missed things with Aiden.....sigh. It's so hard.

But you're doing great- everything you can. I know baby boy can feel the love from you and his big sister. Sending lots of prayers for your strength as you continue growing that sweet little guy. Lots of love to you friend <3

Shell said...

Mary, You are a great Momma to both of your children. I understand what you say about comparing the pregnancies as I have had similar thoughts b/c it is much different but how where we to know? Just know you are not alone and that all the things you are thinking are normal. Hang in there and thinking of you.

Deanna said...

Sending you lots of love and remembering Addie always. I know that the fear and anxiety can take such a toll on you. Try to stay positive and know that many many people are praying for you.

 
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