The Journey--I'm Still Standing

 

Today, I'm linking up with the online magazine, Still Standing, and writing for their monthly blog hop.  Just click on the picture above to read more stories of the Journey mommas like me have been on.

It's been 1 year, 8 months, 1 week and 1 day since I said hello and goodbye to my first born.  Everyday I am thankful and amazed that I am still standing.  I remember, not long after she died, consciously making the choice to continue living.  It was either that or allow myself to die with her.  There was no in between for me and I knew dying was not an option.  So, I chose to LIVE, no matter how hard that would be.

There were times I nearly failed; there were so many times I refused to move because the grief was too much, too heavy to carry.  But then I would see the faces; they were the faces of those around me, faces of those who loved and cared for me.  Slowly, carefully I would stand, bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.  To this day, I give my husband much of the credit for my survival.  In those early days, he refused to allow me to sequester myself, gently prodding me to venture out in the world.  And, on the days when he knew his efforts were in vain, he would hold me as I cried myself to sleep.  Love is a powerful thing.

Today, I'm still standing because of him and so many others.  My family and friends allowed me to grieve as I needed.  They supported me as I set out to create a legacy in her name.  And, most importantly, they show me every day that she'll never be forgotten.  That's how much they care...again, love shows just how powerful it can be.

Here I am on the cusp of my second Mother's Day without her and I have hope, something I thought no longer existed.  Although the pain is much less than it used to be, the hole in my heart will always remain the same.  I firmly believe that, wherever she is, she carries that piece of my heart with her.  And, I believe that, somehow, someway, she watches over her little brother.  It's true what they say...being pregnant after a loss is difficult.  Her life, and her death, have made such a profound impact on my life that, at times, I've struggled to keep the doubts and fears out of my mind.  Yet every kick or nudge from my little guy gives me hope; the same hope I had for her.  And the same love.  Yup, I'm still standing...it's been a long, difficult journey, but I'm still standing.

It's been 1 year, 8 months, 1 week, and 1 day since she left us.  And, every day, I'm so thankful and amazed that I'm still standing.  Love truly is a powerful thing.