***I wrote this post on May 27th, her 21 month birthday, but was unable to post because we were out of town for the holiday***
It's hard to believe its been nearly a year since I wrote my first Right Where I Am post. Angie from Still Life with Circles has decided to host this project again this year and I've decided to link up once again.
The basic concept behind the Right Where I Am project is telling the story of where you are in your grief and what it's like now, so others can get an idea of what life will be like as they travel down the road of baby loss.
What a difference a year makes. I went back and read, then re-read my post. Sometimes, it's hard to remember what it was like to feel so emotionally out of control.
Does that mean I don't miss her as much as I used to? Does that mean I don't think of her as often? No, it doesn't. I miss her more than ever and I think of her every single day. I think the main reason I feel more emotionally stable is because I've come to accept this new life, the life of a baby loss mom. Do I wish things were different? Hell yeah I do, but I know I can't change it and I'm OK with that.
I'm sure a lot of my stability comes with the fact that, in about 6 weeks, we should be welcoming her little brother in to the world. Pregnancy after a loss is very difficult and I'm sure that's had something to do with keeping my mind off missing her so severely. This pregnancy has been very stressful for many reasons. But, as my little man grows, mentally I do too.
This time last year, I could barely go into her room. This year, not only have I gone in to her room, we've also repainted, packed away the girly stuff and prepared for his arrival. Honestly, we've waited longer than we did with Addie though. For me, I know I was putting off any change "just in case" something happened. You know, I thought changing things in her room would bother me more, but it didn't. I wonder if that's because we never got to bring her home; she never got to use her room. Still it will always be her room first, no matter how many other children we decide to have.
I haven't had a good cry over her in awhile. Sometimes that scares me. I'm waiting for the serious breakdown, but it has yet to come. I can't help but wonder why.
I used to dream about her all the time...now, I crave those dreams. It's been too long since I've "seen" her little face.
I find myself not nearly as sensitive as I used to be when people complain about their children. Although it still drives me nuts, I can overlook the insensitive idiots that don't truly appreciate the gifts they've been given.
The regrets, the what ifs, all those thoughts have gone. I know I can't change the past...as much as it sucks, I have to accept it. And I think I have (most days...).
There are so many reminders of her in my life. Pictures hanging around my house, my Molly Bear, my blogs, my tattoo, my gardens...every day I am grateful she has inspired so many beautiful things that I cherish.
I love my little girl. Every day I wish she were here. Every day I wish I could kiss her, tell her how much I love her, hug her, never let her go. But I can't. And I've learned how to live without her. My life will never be the same, but losing her has made me the person I am today. Still flawed certainly, but a better person in many ways. I no longer hate the life I've been given; no, I don't love it either, but I've accepted it and am still learning to lie this new life to the fullest.
No matter how long you've been gone, Addie, there will always be that hole in my heart that was carved by your soul as you left us. You carry that piece of my heart with you, always in your own.
My grief is still there, though not as deeply felt as it was before. I know that grief will never go away, but it has certainly gotten easier to deal with as time passed. What a difference a year makes...