Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Right Where I Am 2012: 1 year, 9 months

***I wrote this post on May 27th, her 21 month birthday, but was unable to post because we were out of town for the holiday***

It's hard to believe its been nearly a year since I wrote my first Right Where I Am post.  Angie from Still Life with Circles has decided to host this project again this year and I've decided to link up once again.

The basic concept behind the Right Where I Am project is telling the story of where you are in your grief and what it's like now, so others can get an idea of what life will be like as they travel down the road of baby loss.

What a difference a year makes.  I went back and read, then re-read my post.  Sometimes, it's hard to remember what it was like to feel so emotionally out of control. 

Does that mean I don't miss her as much as I used to?  Does that mean I don't think of her as often?  No, it doesn't.  I miss her more than ever and I think of her every single day.  I think the main reason I feel more emotionally stable is because I've come to accept this new life, the life of a baby loss mom.  Do I wish things were different?  Hell yeah I do, but I know I can't change it and I'm OK with that.

I'm sure a lot of my stability comes with the fact that, in about 6 weeks, we should be welcoming her little brother in to the world.  Pregnancy after a loss is very difficult and I'm sure that's had something to do with keeping my mind off missing her so severely.  This pregnancy has been very stressful for many reasons.  But, as my little man grows, mentally I do too.

This time last year, I could barely go into her room.  This year, not only have I gone in to her room, we've also repainted, packed away the girly stuff and prepared for his arrival.   Honestly, we've waited longer than we did with Addie though.  For me, I know I was putting off any change "just in case" something happened.  You know, I thought changing things in her room would bother me more, but it didn't.  I wonder if that's because we never got to bring her home; she never got to use her room.  Still it will always be her room first, no matter how many other children we decide to have.

I haven't had a good cry over her in awhile.  Sometimes that scares me.  I'm waiting for the serious breakdown, but it has yet to come.  I can't help but wonder why.

I used to dream about her all the time...now, I crave those dreams.  It's been too long since I've "seen" her little face.

I find myself not nearly as sensitive as I used to be when people complain about their children.  Although it still drives me nuts, I can overlook the insensitive idiots that don't truly appreciate the gifts they've been given.

The regrets, the what ifs, all those thoughts have gone.  I know I can't change the past...as much as it sucks, I have to accept it.  And I think I have (most days...).

There are so many reminders of her in my life.  Pictures hanging around my house, my Molly Bear, my blogs, my tattoo, my gardens...every day I am grateful she has inspired so many beautiful things that I cherish.

I love my little girl.  Every day I wish she were here.  Every day I wish I could kiss her, tell her how much I love her, hug her, never let her go.  But I can't.  And I've learned how to live without her.  My life will never be the same, but losing her has made me the person I am today.  Still flawed certainly, but a better person in many ways.  I no longer hate the life I've been given; no, I don't love it either, but I've accepted it and am still learning to lie this new life to the fullest.

 No matter how long you've been gone, Addie, there will always be that hole in my heart that was carved by your soul as you left us. You carry that piece of my heart with you, always in your own.

My grief is still there, though not as deeply felt as it was before.  I know that grief will never go away, but it has certainly gotten easier to deal with as time passed.  What a difference a year makes...


Hannah Rose said...

You are about 6 months behind me in the "grief journey," but I find I relate to many of these things.

The grief and love never goes away, it just becomes etched into the fabric of our hearts and lives. So very much a part of who we are.

And I agree, there are so many reminders everywhere. Bittersweet, but oh so beautiful.

Thank you for sharing. Much love to you and your sweet Addie.

Hannah Rose

KrystalK said...

Thank you for sharing <3
May God bless you and your beautiful little boy and may your little girl wathc over him for all the blessed year to come.

still life angie said...

It is so interesting to read all these posts, how grief changes. It is interesting to read different people at different times and places, but the same people, that is really interesting. Thank you for sharing right where you are. xo

Catherine W said...

Your Addison was a beautiful little girl, such a dear little face.

I think that there is a peace that comes with accepting that we cannot change the past, no matter how much we might wish to? I feel that sad acceptance so strongly through your words here. And you are so right, it doesn't mean that we don't miss them or think of them just as much as we did in the early days.

Thinking of you as you prepare to welcome Addison's little brother into your family. I'm sure he will come to feel his big sister's presence through all the beautiful things that she has inspired.

After Aidan said...

You have such a beautiful daughter..

"No matter how long you've been gone, Addie, there will always be that hole in my heart that was carved by your soul" - I lost my son a little under three months ago, and this sentence settled me a little - to know that there will always be a star-shaped space in my heart, belonging completely, entirely to my son. I've been wondering if it would fade away as time went on, and hoping that it wouldn't.

Thank you for sharing your story.
Thinking of you and Addison Breann, wishing you peace for the rest of your pregnancy and all the joy in the world when your little Rainbow arrives.

Angela said...

I can really relate to your words. I lost my firstborn, a girl, in May 2010 and then had a boy in September 2011. I like that you are in a place of acceptance. You haven't forgotten, but you know you can't change the past, and I think grasping that truth is a huge step. Pregnancy after loss is so stressful. I hope you feel peace the rest of your pregnancy.

Hope's Mama said...

Addie is beautiful. Her chubby little cheeks remind me of my own daughter's. I am glad to hear your little boy is not far away, I know that little boys are wonderful healers of the heart.
And I like what you said about how time doesn't mean you don't miss them as much or think about them as much anymore. I know at almost four years out, I still miss her just as much as the day we lost her, and I think about her every day as well.
Sending you much love. Glad you joined in again.

Merry said...

Sending you strength for the getting to the birth of addie's little brother. My goodness it is tough. Just so tough.

Lots of love. You sound dignified and graceful and so loving. Thank you for sharing.

McKenna said...

So glad that you are finding a way to live with the ache. It is not a place any of us want to be in but in order to move forward we have to find a way to keep on going, carrying their memory with us.

Josh Jackson said...

Beautiful words here again Mary. I remember your post last year so vividly and always remembering beautiful Addison.

I can feel so much of this post. We just made it through the subsequent pregnancy...what a rough ride. Whew. I am hoping you make it through to a healthy child, a mountain of hope.

Peace and peace as you move forward.

Amelia said...

This sounds like a good place to be. Light and love to you.

DandelionBreeze said...

Always thinking of you hun and so wonderful that this year is different for you... I've nominated you for a Blog Award... you've been with me through thick and thin and want to thank you for all your love and support in this little way...
Love to you always xoxo

Jessica said...

I lost my second child to miscarriage on 8/19/10 and needed a D&C on 8/27/10. That second date is filled with tears for both of us it seems - though in different ways...Pregnancy after loss is SO complicated and hard. I imagine that you have not broken down because you know you need to be strong to keep your rainbow baby safe. I had to stay strong when we found out at 14 weeks that one of our rainbow twins had passed away. I still grieved him/her but I HAD to stay as calm as possible for my other baby I was still carrying...it was very hard especially for my husband to understand...I wrote about it in my post...thank you for sharing. So sorry for loss but happy you will soon welcome your rainbow...my prayers are with you! <3

erica said...

Thinking of you and wishing you strength and love and peace as you get through the next few weeks. Your Addie is such a beautiful, dear little girl.

The part in your post where you speak to your Addie brought me to tears. I love the idea that our babies carry pieces of our hearts with them.

So much love to you.

Fireflyforever said...

She's so beautiful - I'm with Sally on loving little girls with chubby cheeks. My Emma had them too :)

And this paragraph:

I love my little girl. Every day I wish she were here. Every day I wish I could kiss her, tell her how much I love her, hug her, never let her go. But I can't. And I've learned how to live without her. My life will never be the same, but losing her has made me the person I am today."

struck a chord with me too.

Wishing you peace as you wait for Addison's little brother.

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