Tuesday, January 29, 2013

What would life be like?

     I gotta say....the life of a single parent is for the birds.  Kudos to those of you who do it every day.  P is out of town for the week, so it's just J and me, and I'm exhausted already.  Thank goodness I've got the help of my MIL and mom during the day.  When he's finally in bed, all the bottles washed and it's time for me to wind down, its hard not to wonder what life would be like with 2 kids instead of one.  This past Sunday, she would have been 29 months old...next month will be 2 1/2 years since she's been gone.  How can that be right?  Two and a half years...its unfathomable...
     When I look at his face, there are times I see her.  There is such a resemblance between the two.  I miss her.  I dreamed about her not long ago.  Its been a long time since she appeared in my dreams.  It was right around Christmas, when I was missing her more than normal.  I wonder if she comes to me in my dreams just to let me know she's ok?  The dream was a glimpse of my life with her...there she was, opening her gifts and squealing with delight.  Joshua was in tow as we took her out to play in the snow.  It was really an alternate reality.  This is the first time they both appeared in my dreams together.  It makes me feel as though she was always meant to be here which I've often questioned.  It opens up so many more questions and guilt.  Like I should have known...I should have done something more to save her.  But how could I have known?  Sigh...and I'm back in that same place.  Knowing I couldn't save her, but wishing all the same.
     Here's my sweet boy, who's nearly 7 months old now.  How is that possible?


   

2 comments:

Sherri said...

What a nice dream to see both of your babies together! I haven't dreamt about Kristen. I wish that I could. I don't know what could've should've would've been.... if Kristen was here, I'm 100% sure Carter wouldn't be. And I wouldn't give him up for anything. So that's a tough one for me! Your little man is so adorable! What an amazing picture!
And I can relate to the single parent thing, my husband works away from home for 3 wks, then is home for 3. I couldn't imagine being a single Mother full time! My hat goes off to all the Mom's and Dad's without a partner for support!

April said...

I love that you were able to dream and have both of your babies with you. What an amazing vision for us baby loss mama's to see our baby in our dreams...

 
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