I started this blog in October, as a way to record my thoughts and emotions after my daughter died. Never, in a million years did I think I would be sitting here, writing my 100th blog post. And how appropriate that my 100th entry be on her 10 month birthday.
This day has hit me hard, but I'm trying to look at the positive side of things. So, I've decided to write down all the things I've learned since losing her. If not for her existence, I don't believe I would have seen any of these lessons.
1. Unconditional love. I've learned to both recieve and give. This is a new concept for me, to love unconditionally. I've always been very guarded with my heart, but she opened up a whole new side of me.
2. Survival. 10 months ago, a piece of me died when she left me. 10 months ago, I thought I couldn't go on without her. Yet, here I am. I AM surviving, even if there are days when it doesn't feel like it.
3. Dignity. I have often questioned the existance of diginity in my loss, along with strength, but its there, no matter how small. I've held my head as high as I can while swimming through my grief.
4. Strength. Again, something I question. People keep telling me I'm such a strong person, but am I really? Or has she taught me how to be a good actress?
5. Generosity. Above all Addie has shown me generosity. At the time I felt I was most alone, she helped me find many mommas just like me. I have seen how generous this community is and the despair seemingly disappears in the light of this community. Although we've all been through hell and back, the generosity still exists. There is good in the world...you just have to find it and she did for me.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: if I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing about my pregnancy. I am so grateful for the time I had with her and the lessons I've learned. As much as I wish I could change the outcome; to come home with my daughter, I know I can't. I'll take what I can get, even if that is just a few pictures and a lifetime of memories that fit into 39 short weeks.
I miss you, I know it's been awhile since I've said that, but I do. I MISS YOU. I keep wondering what you would look like today...wondering if you would be playing with Miss Layla or cutie Aaron at their first birthdays. I should be planning your first birthday, but instead, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I keep asking myself how I can miss someone so much when I never had the chance to meet you...how I could love you without you even taking a breath. And how is it that I can continue to live my life without you? I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU.
Xavier Santillanez Jr.
4 weeks ago