23 months gone, but forever in my heart

Hi ya sweet girl,

     Wow, this month has gone by too quick.  Momma's had a lot to think about, but you're always there, in the back of my mind.  I miss you.  I have to say, I've been feeling guilty lately.  I think a lot of us BLMs go through this at times.  To say that I think of you every single day may not be as accurate as it once was.  I think of you often, yes, but probably not every day.  It's been a long time since I've had a good cry.  Coming home from the hospital with your brother, it hit me just how much we missed out on when we lost you.  The regret, the guilt...it was harder than I thought it would be to bring him home.  It really sucks that we missed out on that with you.  It hurts...even after all these months.  But we're happy.  I think it's important that you know that.  Although we miss you like crazy, we're happy.  We're grateful for everything we've been given, including our short time with you.

     I can't believe it's been nearly 2 years.  Where has the time gone.  I miss you, I love you.  More than ever.  Even though I don't think of you as much as I used to, I still love you.  That will never change.

Love,
Momma

A story of LIFE...welcoming Baby Joshua into the world

     I'm so thankful to be able to write about bringing LIFE into this world, instead of writing about life as a memorial.  Addie's life will never be forgotten, nor will Joshua's life ever be overshadowed by his sister's death.  They are my children, equally wanted and loved.

36 weeks 5 days preggo, ready to meet my little guy.

    Joshua entered this world on July 12, 2012.  P and I arrived at the hospital at 7am for my scheduled c-section.  My mom and my in-laws met us at the hospital.  I didn't sleep much the night before.  Honestly, I wasn't nervous about the surgery...I was afraid he would stop moving.  But, instead I woke up to my Squirmy boy just kicking away.  Finally, my name was called and we were taken back to the preparation room.  After getting registered, having blood drawn, signing forms, etc my nurse said we could go back out in to the waiting room and sit with our family until Dr M was ready for us.  Not long after, I hear my name being called.  Dr M comes over and says, "Are you ready to meet this kid?" and leads us back to the prep room.  There, I met the anesthesiologist and P puts on his lovely gown, booties and hat.  I wish I had my camera because he looked so cute, although I know he doesn't see it that way.

Anxious and proud papa waiting to be called back to the prep room

     We walked back to the OR.  P stayed outside while I went in to get my spinal.  The doc hit the right spot on the first try and we were good to go...or so we thought.  The nurses helped me lay down and got me draped and covered.  The Dr M decides to test my spinal block by pinching my belly.  "Ow!"  I said.  "You can feel that?"  "Unfortunately, yes."  So, they uncovered and took down the drape to try again.  This time, the anesthesiologist couldn't hit the right area.  Now, my only choice was general anethesia.  This was the last thing I wanted.  For reasons unknown to me, an epidural was out of the question at this point.  So, I went to sleep.

P, Joshua and Dr M

Meeting my son for the first time

Just beginning to wake up in the OR, P showing Joshua to me

     The next thing I remember is waking up in recovery.  I don't remember waking up in the OR, but obviously I did, thanks to the oh so flattering pics above.  While in recovery, P walked back with Joshua again, before following him up to the nursery.  I was anxious to be taken to my room.  I wanted to hold my son, but I knew I'd be in recovery for at least an hour.  In recovery, I was visited by several people, including some nurses I worked with when I donated the memory boxes.  I was also surprised by the nurse that was there the day we found out Addie no longer had a heart beat.  She actually came in to the OR and held my hand for a while.  I feel lucky to have met such wonderful people there. 

Heading up to the nursery

 

     Finally, the time came to wheel me to the Mother/Baby wing.  I had not seen P for a while, but I knew he would be upstairs in the nursery with Joshua.  My nurse wheeled me upstairs, right past the nursery and there they were...P was there holding J's hand while he was in the bassinet.  I stayed there for a bit just watching them interact.  I was in love all over again...my two boys.  :)  I can't even explain the feeling.  After a few minutes, my nurse wheeled me in to my room, and my new life as a mom to a living child began.

    I watched him get his first bath, gave him his first meal, watched him scream under the bililights and cry because I couldn't console him.  I watched him meet family members, each time seeing the joy on their faces.  A friend of mine recently posted something on Facebook that rings so true....His birth became the most anticipated event for so many people, not just my family.  The outpouring of love when we announced his arrival was overwhelming.  I have the greatest group of friends and family anyone could ever ask for.

     Here's a  few more pics from the hospital.  That's Joshua's birth story!  Can't wait to write about his life...I'm so thankful to be given the chance.

Joshua Patrick
July 12, 2012 @ 9:47am
7lbs 10ozs  20.25 inches

Sweet little feet

Snoozing on momma

Momma holding J for the first time

Under the bililights

My boys!

True love!

I fit perfectly in Daddy's Hands

Our rainbow has arrived!

Just a short post to let everyone know our rainbow arrived safe and sound.  Joshua Patrick was born July 12, 2012 at 9:47am.  He weighed 7lbs 10oz and was 20.25 inches long.  I promise to write a longer post later, but here are a few pics.  I never thought I could be this happy...never knew I could reach such heights.

Joshua Patrick

Daddy and son

Snuggling with momma shortly after she arrived from recovery

This kid has some serioiusly blond hair!

My little visitor

***Please bear in mind I'm not the most radiant pregnant woman, especially when it's nearly 100 degrees, not to mention my bathing suit is way too big :)***

A couple of weekends ago, while out on my mom and dad's boat, I had a little visitor.  I wish I had brought my camera but I'm glad my mother in law had hers.  Look closely at my "oh-so-lovely" maternity swim top and you'll see a butterfly on my pregnant tummy.  The butterfly apparently though the flowers on my suit were real and was trying to feed.  It stuck with me for a very long time.  More than likely, it's a coincidence but it's hard not think that Addie was sending me a big wink.  She always lets me know she's there.  And I love it!

In the bottom pic, the butterfly is on the left side of the pic, on one of the larger flower petals.  The top pic, you can see it much better with the side view.

Six days to go...

With any luck, this time 6 days from now I will be holding my son in my arms...my screaming, breathing, LIVING son. 

Needless to say, I'm a little freaked out.  Well, more than a little....  But, I'm getting through it.  Maybe.

We had our last transfusion yesterday.  The doc also pulled a sample of amniotic fluid to check the maturity of his lungs.  At 35 weeks 6 days, his lungs are mature!  Woohoo!  One less thing we have to worry about.  There's so many things that can go wrong and I know it.  But, for the most part, I'm staying positive.  He's gone through so much already; he's a strong kid that's for sure.

It's been ridiculously hot here, leading to extreme boredom and wandering of the mind.  I think that's made it more difficult to stay positive.  I've been stuck in the house a lot simply because it's so disgusting here.  We've been under a heat advisory since yesterday and air quality has been very poor. In fact, tomorrow, we're supposed to be Code Red which is the worst kind of air quality.

What little time I spend outside has mostly been miserable.  We've gone to my mom and dad's river lot twice since the heat wave hit.  It was nice getting out of the house, but mostly we stayed in their air conditioned camper.  We did go out on the boat one day, which was fine while we were moving.  I think we're finally supposed to get a break on Monday...I can't wait!!!!  85 degrees sounds wonderful!  I don't think I was made to be pregnant in the summer, yet both of my pregnancies have ended right in the midst of summer.

Six days...just six days left.  Can I keep my sanity that long?!