Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Right Where I Am 2013: Two years, 9 months, 22 days

It's that time of year again.  I'm joining up with Angie from Still Life With Circles to write about where I am with my grief.  You can read my 2011 post here and 2012 post here.

It's quiet in my house, baby is finally sleeping.  It's been a long week as he's had his first ear infection and has been a grumpy little cuss.  But, it's okay; he still here, a living, breathing, beautiful child.  Tripping over toys, cleaning up blow outs and spit up, getting soaked during bath time...just a normal day for a mom like me.  Or is it?  How can these days be normal when I'm not a normal mom...there will always be something missing.  There will always be that hole in my heart...the piece she took with her when she died.  I will never be "normal" again, despite what other may see on the outside.

It's been rough here lately.  Battling grief I hadn't expected...my father-in-law's death has brought back so many feelings about her.  I actually dreamed of them together not long after he passed away.  It had been a very long time since she came to me in a dream.  It was as if she was telling me he was okay; they were together.  Still, the dream brought up so many feelings I wasn't ready to deal with again.

Acceptance has finally come, though.  It's taken nearly 3 years for me to fully accept her death.  Three years...wow.  While I have accepted it, I still miss her like crazy.  I hate the fact that she's gone...I hate the fact that there is a hole in my heart...I hate the fact that I will never see her grow.  But, I also know that, if not for her death, my sweet boy wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be who I am today.

It's been a hard realization...accepting her death.  It's even difficult to type.  But without her death, how would I have known about the antibodies and isoimmunization issues.  How many other babies could have been lost?  Her death gave her brother a chance at life and that is yet another thing I am grateful for.

Everyone accepts and deals with death differently, many faster than others.  Acceptance doesn't mean she isn't missed like crazy.  It doesn't mean I don't have bad days; they are just few and far between.  She lives in my every day life.  Josh looks so much like her it's not funny.  Some nights, when he wakes up babbling, it makes me wonder if she visits him and keeps him company.  I love to think she does.  It's comforting, that's for sure.

I will miss you every day of my life.  I am so grateful for the time I had with you and the lessons you've given me since then.  You know that piece of my heart you took when you left?  Make sure you keep it safe because one day we'll be back together, baby girl and I'll gladly let you keep it as long as I can give you the hugs and kisses I've stored up since the day we said goodbye.


Y Not said...

yes, that is one silver lining, the appreciation we have for the one's we hold. I so relate to that, I'm such a better Mom to my rainbow that I would have been if I had not lost his brother all those years before.

We never stop missing the one that is gone, but it is a comfort to me that the one we have benefits from what we have been through. God Bless you.

Sara said...

It took me a while to realize just how much losing my son affected how I parented my daughters. It did, perhaps still does, but not necessarily in the ways I'd expect.

I'm glad you have Josh with you, though I know he doesn't fill Addison's space in your heart.

Emom said...

Just learned of you. I am so sorry for your loss and so happy for your new beautiful boy. God bless you.

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