I found this today while browsing Carly Marie's Lost for Words Calendar. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Miss you more than you know baby girl. Happy 31 months.
Ari Mitchell
8 years ago
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
A new design
Well, I figured it was time to upgrade the ol' blog. After all, Joshua is a big part of my new life. Thank you so much to Franchesca from Small Bird Studio for her beautiful work once again. Check her out. She does much more than blog design as well! A fellow baby loss mom, she has made a huge impact on the community that I call home. Love her!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Surviving one day at a time
Survive...it's a word you hear often in the baby loss community. When you lose a child, life becomes a battle to simply survive. That's what I did at the very beginning. I didn't live, I simply survived. Some days, I didn't even do that. Some days, I couldn't get myself out of bed. But I DID survive. My heart continued to beat, yet my soul was left behind. Grief consumed everything; my life, my home, my family.
Grief is a bitch...sorry about the language but it is. Grief is selfish. Grief is all encompassing. Grief is relentless. And, perhaps the worst of all, grief hits at the most unexpected times. In those first days and weeks, all I could do was grieve. I rarely saw anything around me. It was as if I had blinders on...all I could think about was me. I never saw the effects grief had on my husband and the rest of my family.
I remember making the decision to not allow grief to take over my life. I made the choice to survive, not to die with her. But it was just that...survive. Not LIVE. There is a difference. Surviving to me meant the ability to function, the ability to get out of bed every day and go about my normal routine. But it was difficult to enjoy life.
The first time I felt alive again was at her memorial. We were surrounded by family and friends. It was a celebration of her short life and a gathering of many of the people who supported us. I remember breaking out my camera for the first time since she died and capturing life as it happened. Gradually, as time passed, I found myself living, not just surviving. It's a journey we all take. There are good days and there are bad days, but eventually, we do learn to live again.
Having a rainbow certainly makes it easier. I have someone to care for and to shower with love. Everything I wanted to do with Addison I get to do with Joshua. But that doesn't mean I miss her any less. Those milestones still hurt. She should be two and half right now. February 27th was not a good day for me. My smile, my laugh that day was forced. My heart ached for her more than it has in a long time.
Two and a half years later, I can say I live more now than ever. She taught me to be a better person and a better mother. I've finally learned how to enjoy the world I'm in and to truly LIVE. I'm grateful for everything that I've been given, living and surviving one day at a time.
Grief is a bitch...sorry about the language but it is. Grief is selfish. Grief is all encompassing. Grief is relentless. And, perhaps the worst of all, grief hits at the most unexpected times. In those first days and weeks, all I could do was grieve. I rarely saw anything around me. It was as if I had blinders on...all I could think about was me. I never saw the effects grief had on my husband and the rest of my family.
I remember making the decision to not allow grief to take over my life. I made the choice to survive, not to die with her. But it was just that...survive. Not LIVE. There is a difference. Surviving to me meant the ability to function, the ability to get out of bed every day and go about my normal routine. But it was difficult to enjoy life.
The first time I felt alive again was at her memorial. We were surrounded by family and friends. It was a celebration of her short life and a gathering of many of the people who supported us. I remember breaking out my camera for the first time since she died and capturing life as it happened. Gradually, as time passed, I found myself living, not just surviving. It's a journey we all take. There are good days and there are bad days, but eventually, we do learn to live again.
Having a rainbow certainly makes it easier. I have someone to care for and to shower with love. Everything I wanted to do with Addison I get to do with Joshua. But that doesn't mean I miss her any less. Those milestones still hurt. She should be two and half right now. February 27th was not a good day for me. My smile, my laugh that day was forced. My heart ached for her more than it has in a long time.
Two and a half years later, I can say I live more now than ever. She taught me to be a better person and a better mother. I've finally learned how to enjoy the world I'm in and to truly LIVE. I'm grateful for everything that I've been given, living and surviving one day at a time.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
What would life be like?
I gotta say....the life of a single parent is for the birds. Kudos to those of you who do it every day. P is out of town for the week, so it's just J and me, and I'm exhausted already. Thank goodness I've got the help of my MIL and mom during the day. When he's finally in bed, all the bottles washed and it's time for me to wind down, its hard not to wonder what life would be like with 2 kids instead of one. This past Sunday, she would have been 29 months old...next month will be 2 1/2 years since she's been gone. How can that be right? Two and a half years...its unfathomable...
When I look at his face, there are times I see her. There is such a resemblance between the two. I miss her. I dreamed about her not long ago. Its been a long time since she appeared in my dreams. It was right around Christmas, when I was missing her more than normal. I wonder if she comes to me in my dreams just to let me know she's ok? The dream was a glimpse of my life with her...there she was, opening her gifts and squealing with delight. Joshua was in tow as we took her out to play in the snow. It was really an alternate reality. This is the first time they both appeared in my dreams together. It makes me feel as though she was always meant to be here which I've often questioned. It opens up so many more questions and guilt. Like I should have known...I should have done something more to save her. But how could I have known? Sigh...and I'm back in that same place. Knowing I couldn't save her, but wishing all the same.
Here's my sweet boy, who's nearly 7 months old now. How is that possible?
When I look at his face, there are times I see her. There is such a resemblance between the two. I miss her. I dreamed about her not long ago. Its been a long time since she appeared in my dreams. It was right around Christmas, when I was missing her more than normal. I wonder if she comes to me in my dreams just to let me know she's ok? The dream was a glimpse of my life with her...there she was, opening her gifts and squealing with delight. Joshua was in tow as we took her out to play in the snow. It was really an alternate reality. This is the first time they both appeared in my dreams together. It makes me feel as though she was always meant to be here which I've often questioned. It opens up so many more questions and guilt. Like I should have known...I should have done something more to save her. But how could I have known? Sigh...and I'm back in that same place. Knowing I couldn't save her, but wishing all the same.
Here's my sweet boy, who's nearly 7 months old now. How is that possible?
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013
Wow...what a year this has been. A year, full of fear and hope; of sadness and great joy. It is the year we were blessed with a beautiful rainbow. Though it's hard for many to understand...having a rainbow does not take away from the damages of the storm. I still miss her more than I can ever imagine, but I love her brother just as much. Prepare yourself for a photo overload! Of course, to be completely honest, I could post a whole lot more. 2012 will always be known as the Year of Joshua in my house!
And, of course, I can't forget my sweet girl. A new friend of mine has an angel tree and collects ornaments throughout the year and writes the names of all the babies lost. Here is Addie's ornament.
Wishing everyone a very happy and prosperous New Year!
And, of course, I can't forget my sweet girl. A new friend of mine has an angel tree and collects ornaments throughout the year and writes the names of all the babies lost. Here is Addie's ornament.
Wishing everyone a very happy and prosperous New Year!
Friday, December 14, 2012
12/12/12
You know, I promised myself that I wouldn't forget about my blog once my rainbow arrived, but WOW! I'm finding it so difficult to find time to write. Hopefully I can get a few lines in before the J-man wakes up.
12/12/12 marked his 5 month birthday. So hard to believes he's 5 months old already! Time needs to slow down....We started solids around 4 months, which he LOVES! He still hasn't rolled from belly to back, but, honestly he hates being on his back so I'm not surprised. He would much rather sit up. He loves his bumbo, or his swing and even his high chair...anything that helps him see what's going on.
No teeth yet, but boy is he grumpy some days...I just wish they would break through already, the drool is crazy!
At his 4 month check up (which was actually closer to his 5 month mark) he weighed 16lbs 4oz and was 26 1/4 inches. He's dropped a bit in percentile for his weight, but he continues to be well into the 90's for his length. Gonna be tall like his daddy!
Anyway, I better finish up for now. Here's a few pics of my sweet boy, including a few from his 3 month photo shoot.
12/12/12 marked his 5 month birthday. So hard to believes he's 5 months old already! Time needs to slow down....We started solids around 4 months, which he LOVES! He still hasn't rolled from belly to back, but, honestly he hates being on his back so I'm not surprised. He would much rather sit up. He loves his bumbo, or his swing and even his high chair...anything that helps him see what's going on.
No teeth yet, but boy is he grumpy some days...I just wish they would break through already, the drool is crazy!
At his 4 month check up (which was actually closer to his 5 month mark) he weighed 16lbs 4oz and was 26 1/4 inches. He's dropped a bit in percentile for his weight, but he continues to be well into the 90's for his length. Gonna be tall like his daddy!
Anyway, I better finish up for now. Here's a few pics of my sweet boy, including a few from his 3 month photo shoot.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
27 months--missing you more than usual, especially today
I don't know why, but I'm missing you more than normal these days...maybe it's because the holiday season is here. I look at your little brother and realize just how much I missed out on with you. It's just not right.
I look at the title I just wrote and it blows my mind that it's been 27 months since I last kissed your cheek. You know, even to this day, I regret not spending more time with your little body. But, in my heart, I knew it wasn't you. You left your body long before I ever got to see your face. Still, I regret the things I didn't do. I probably always will.
I miss you, plain and simple. I find myself wondering what life would be like if you were here. Would Joshy be here too? Would I be going crazy with an almost 5 month old and a 27 month old to take care of?
In a way I'm both dreading the holidays and excited for them to come. Last year, I was newly pregnant, excited to announce to our family. In fact, exactly one year ago today, I found out your brother was on his way. I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on the fact you were missing yet another Christmas...I was too scared of what might happen to the new little life growing inside me. This year is different though. While I have Josh here, it still reminds me of everything I didn't get to do for/with you.
I love you little one, more and more each day. I wish you were here with us.
I look at the title I just wrote and it blows my mind that it's been 27 months since I last kissed your cheek. You know, even to this day, I regret not spending more time with your little body. But, in my heart, I knew it wasn't you. You left your body long before I ever got to see your face. Still, I regret the things I didn't do. I probably always will.
I miss you, plain and simple. I find myself wondering what life would be like if you were here. Would Joshy be here too? Would I be going crazy with an almost 5 month old and a 27 month old to take care of?
In a way I'm both dreading the holidays and excited for them to come. Last year, I was newly pregnant, excited to announce to our family. In fact, exactly one year ago today, I found out your brother was on his way. I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on the fact you were missing yet another Christmas...I was too scared of what might happen to the new little life growing inside me. This year is different though. While I have Josh here, it still reminds me of everything I didn't get to do for/with you.
I love you little one, more and more each day. I wish you were here with us.
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