New blog design

     I want to say thank you so much to Small Bird Studio for the great job desiging my new look!  Franchesca did a great job, her work is beautiful!  Thank you so much!  I love it...it says so much about Addie!  Its perfect.

What a weekend!

     So, in keeping with my promise to be a happier me, I did several things I haven't done in a long time over the weekend.  It was a great weekend, I'm glad I did it.
     Saturday night was a girl's night.  I haven't done a girls night in at least a year, so this was almost like a new experience.  Several friends and I went to Drag Bingo.  Yes, I said Drag Bingo.  It's exactly what it sounds like...men in drag calling out bingo numbers.  It was a fundraiser for a good cause and it was hilarious!  They did several games, and during the breaks, there was a drag show.  All I have to say is OMG!  I've seen a drag fashion show before but it was nothing like this.  Those men had so much personality...words can't even describe it!  Of course, I'm sure the alcohol helped too, lol (it was held at a sports bar)!
    Sunday I did something I haven't done in over 15 years;  I rode a horse!  I used to love riding; now my niece is taking lessons.  Her teacher is a friend of mine who has asked me several times if I wanted to ride.  So, Sunday, I did.  And I loved it!  I just might have to do it more often.
     It was a good weekend.  I've missed this...I've missed enjoying life.  Almost as much as I miss her.

Feeling light as a feather...

     I had to share this post from a blog I follow.  The blog is called Dear Stevie written by a fellow BLM.  I read her post this morning, Light as a Feather, and it really hit home simply because I'm trying to do the same.  I'm tired of being sad all the time, tired of carrying such a heavy weight on my shoulders.  I know my heart will never completely (that's just a fact I have to face), but I'm trying to make the conscious effort to be happier; to surround myself with the people I love and enjoy their company; to do all the things I love; to live my life the way I used to, before my world came crashing down.  After all, I will soon be an aunt again to a fourth nephew.  I want to be able to hold him, enjoy him and spoil him.  I don't want to be afraid of losing control.  I don't want to resent him because he certainly doesn't deserve it, nor does my SIL.  I've struggled with being around her while she's pregnant, especially over the holidays.  Truth be told, I think I'm a little jealous.  It sucks feeling like this, but everything I've read says its normal.  Still, I don't like the feeling...I'm not the jealous type.
     Sorry, I went off on a tangent.  My point is that I am making a valiant effort to return to my old self.  Yes, I still miss her...more than I could ever explain.  Only a parent who has lost a child could completely understand this feeling.  Regardless of how much I miss her, I want to be who I was before.  I'm focusing on my mental and physical health.  I'm working out, eating better, and starting to do the things I used to enjoy.  I need to do this;  I can't continue to go through life in a fog.  I know that doesn't mean I won't have bad days...I'm sure I will.  There will be days where I miss her more than usual, but I think I know how to handle it.  One day, I will be as close as possible to the person I was before her death.  Its a tall order, I know, but that's my goal..I can only hope I am successful.

My little girl

     So, I received the last of the pictures Heidi was able to retouch.  I couldn't be happier with them.  She did such a wonderful job on all of them. Thank you so much Heidi at Heartprints Photo Retouching.

     There she is, in "living" color.  Miss you baby!

Abiding Hope Collage

Thank you Franchesca, I love it!

Wow...

     "When you lose a child, your life doesn't just change.  You're shattered on the inside, blown to bits, your heart broken.  It takes a long time to come back together again.  I'm not looking for your pity.  It's better for me to talk than to keep everything all inside.  I don't want you to think I'm selfish, but can't you see how much I'm hurting?  Sometimes I take out my baby's things...smell them, caress them, hug and kiss them and rock them until the tears stop falling.  Please don't turn a blind eye to me.  If you think its too painful for you, multiply that by infinity and you might have a vague idea of how much pain I am in.  I did not ask for this to happen.  I do ask for your love and support.  If you can't think of anything to say, then just listen to me.  Let me borrow your shoulder.  Surely you are stronger than I am, and you can help me by simply being there." 
---Unknown Author



      Wow is all I can say about this.  I pilfered this from a picture posted on the Baby Loss Momma's Facebook page.  I have to say I love this.  Its so fitting, so true.  This is exactly what I have thought on many occasions.  I have felt selfish; that I am relying on my family and friends for strength too much.  But I know I couldn't survive without them.  And the line about the baby items...I still sleep with the blanket Addie was wrapped in.  No, it doesn't smell like her anymore, but it has become my security.  Never thought I'd be 31 years old and still have a security blanket.  Oh well.
     I have been shattered; I have hurt more than I ever thought possible and the hurt keeps coming.  But I am lucky to have people that care enough to offer their support without being asked.  Slowly, the pieces are coming back together. Slowly my heart is healing.  But there is one piece that will never be replaced.  The piece, in the shape of a butterfly, should fit in the middle of my heart, but instead, that piece will spend eternity soaring with the stars.  Love you baby girl!

One year ago today...

     It was one year ago today that I got my BFP.  Why am I even thinking about this?  Why do I even remember this?  Would it make a difference to me if she were still alive, would I still remember this moment in my life?  Regardless of why, this is apparently a day I consider an important anniversary.  She is, after all, my first pregnancy.

 

     I remember exactly how I felt when I saw that word in the window.  My immediate reaction was tears.  I was so happy, happier than I have ever been in my life.  At the same time, I was scared out of my mind.  There were a lot of questions as to whether or not I could actually carry a child to term, or whether I would be able to give birth due to injuries I sustained in a car accident.  And I was scared for all the normal reasons too.  But the happiness overwhelmed them all.  I remember debating whether I should call my husband and tell him or wait until he got home.  I'm glad I waited because the expression on his face when I handed him the test was priceless.  He probably doesn't realize it, but his eyes told the whole story.  I never knew what people meant when they described someones eyes actually smiled, until that day. 
     That day began 9 months worth of hopes and dreams.  That day began an experience I will never forget.  That day, I realized I was going to be a mom.  An indescribable feeling.
     Today is going to be rough, I think.  To use lyrics from a favorite song, "what hurts the most was being so close."  I think that really is what hurts the most.  We got so close to having her in our arms, we got so close to actually meeting her. 
     Even though I know her death wasn't my fault, I have never felt like more of a failure.  I've struggled with this thought, and I continue to struggle with it.  I KNOW I couldn't have prevented it, I KNOW I can't change it, but the word FAILURE just keeps flashing in my mind.  I've failed at my first chance to be a mom...what if I don't get another chance?  These are the things I think about...sometimes I wonder if I'm going nuts.  Yet, I still seem so normal, at least to me I seem normal.
    On a brighter note, this morning I received a special email from Carly Marie Dudley.  She runs the "To Write Their Name in the Sand" blog/website (among others).  She was doing holiday giveaway over Christmas and I was chosen as a runner-up.  She sent me a beautiful image.  She does such wonderful work.  Thank you Carly!
It was a nice surprise and brightened my day.