I had to share this post from a blog I follow. The blog is called Dear Stevie written by a fellow BLM. I read her post this morning, Light as a Feather, and it really hit home simply because I'm trying to do the same. I'm tired of being sad all the time, tired of carrying such a heavy weight on my shoulders. I know my heart will never completely (that's just a fact I have to face), but I'm trying to make the conscious effort to be happier; to surround myself with the people I love and enjoy their company; to do all the things I love; to live my life the way I used to, before my world came crashing down. After all, I will soon be an aunt again to a fourth nephew. I want to be able to hold him, enjoy him and spoil him. I don't want to be afraid of losing control. I don't want to resent him because he certainly doesn't deserve it, nor does my SIL. I've struggled with being around her while she's pregnant, especially over the holidays. Truth be told, I think I'm a little jealous. It sucks feeling like this, but everything I've read says its normal. Still, I don't like the feeling...I'm not the jealous type.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent. My point is that I am making a valiant effort to return to my old self. Yes, I still miss her...more than I could ever explain. Only a parent who has lost a child could completely understand this feeling. Regardless of how much I miss her, I want to be who I was before. I'm focusing on my mental and physical health. I'm working out, eating better, and starting to do the things I used to enjoy. I need to do this; I can't continue to go through life in a fog. I know that doesn't mean I won't have bad days...I'm sure I will. There will be days where I miss her more than usual, but I think I know how to handle it. One day, I will be as close as possible to the person I was before her death. Its a tall order, I know, but that's my goal..I can only hope I am successful.
Fallon Jade Rilling
2 days ago