I had to share this post from a blog I follow. The blog is called Dear Stevie written by a fellow BLM. I read her post this morning, Light as a Feather, and it really hit home simply because I'm trying to do the same. I'm tired of being sad all the time, tired of carrying such a heavy weight on my shoulders. I know my heart will never completely (that's just a fact I have to face), but I'm trying to make the conscious effort to be happier; to surround myself with the people I love and enjoy their company; to do all the things I love; to live my life the way I used to, before my world came crashing down. After all, I will soon be an aunt again to a fourth nephew. I want to be able to hold him, enjoy him and spoil him. I don't want to be afraid of losing control. I don't want to resent him because he certainly doesn't deserve it, nor does my SIL. I've struggled with being around her while she's pregnant, especially over the holidays. Truth be told, I think I'm a little jealous. It sucks feeling like this, but everything I've read says its normal. Still, I don't like the feeling...I'm not the jealous type.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent. My point is that I am making a valiant effort to return to my old self. Yes, I still miss her...more than I could ever explain. Only a parent who has lost a child could completely understand this feeling. Regardless of how much I miss her, I want to be who I was before. I'm focusing on my mental and physical health. I'm working out, eating better, and starting to do the things I used to enjoy. I need to do this; I can't continue to go through life in a fog. I know that doesn't mean I won't have bad days...I'm sure I will. There will be days where I miss her more than usual, but I think I know how to handle it. One day, I will be as close as possible to the person I was before her death. Its a tall order, I know, but that's my goal..I can only hope I am successful.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
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5 comments:
I hope that 2011 is your year as well and I know you can do what you want to do. I've had the pleasure of knowing the Mary before and now and they are both still a very beautiful, strong woman. You will get there.
Wishing you all the best for 2011!!!
My beautiful daughter, you a still that wonderful women you have always been...again, you have been tested for your strenghth. You have proven your strength is greater than most women, even mine!And as much as I hate to admit it, it's so true. (lol). Don't be so hard on yourself...as I told you, time will help you heal. You won't ever be entirely whole and there won't be a year that goes by that you won't think about Addie, but it does get easier. Your life will go on and it will be happy. Even after 36 years, every March 30th, I still think about your Brother..he is and always be a part of me as is Addie is to you. You are a inspiration even to me. You will begin to feel "normal" again, just give it time. I love you always!
Good for you, I've been doing a lot of those things for myself lately too and it feels good doesn't it? I don't think it's possible to be who I was before Mikayla died, but I do want to be the best person I can be for my living child, for Mikayla who I'll see in Heaven someday, and for our (hopefully) future children. We will all adjust to this new normal of ours...in time.
I'm in that boat with you. The one where there is a nephew on the way. Unfortunately, I'm not keeping it together quite so well. You inspire me Mary. Thank you!
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