It was one year ago today that I got my BFP. Why am I even thinking about this? Why do I even remember this? Would it make a difference to me if she were still alive, would I still remember this moment in my life? Regardless of why, this is apparently a day I consider an important anniversary. She is, after all, my first pregnancy.
I remember exactly how I felt when I saw that word in the window. My immediate reaction was tears. I was so happy, happier than I have ever been in my life. At the same time, I was scared out of my mind. There were a lot of questions as to whether or not I could actually carry a child to term, or whether I would be able to give birth due to injuries I sustained in a car accident. And I was scared for all the normal reasons too. But the happiness overwhelmed them all. I remember debating whether I should call my husband and tell him or wait until he got home. I'm glad I waited because the expression on his face when I handed him the test was priceless. He probably doesn't realize it, but his eyes told the whole story. I never knew what people meant when they described someones eyes actually smiled, until that day.
That day began 9 months worth of hopes and dreams. That day began an experience I will never forget. That day, I realized I was going to be a mom. An indescribable feeling.
Today is going to be rough, I think. To use lyrics from a favorite song, "what hurts the most was being so close." I think that really is what hurts the most. We got so close to having her in our arms, we got so close to actually meeting her.
Even though I know her death wasn't my fault, I have never felt like more of a failure. I've struggled with this thought, and I continue to struggle with it. I KNOW I couldn't have prevented it, I KNOW I can't change it, but the word FAILURE just keeps flashing in my mind. I've failed at my first chance to be a mom...what if I don't get another chance? These are the things I think about...sometimes I wonder if I'm going nuts. Yet, I still seem so normal, at least to me I seem normal.
On a brighter note, this morning I received a special email from Carly Marie Dudley. She runs the "To Write Their Name in the Sand" blog/website (among others). She was doing holiday giveaway over Christmas and I was chosen as a runner-up. She sent me a beautiful image. She does such wonderful work. Thank you Carly!
It was a nice surprise and brightened my day.
Fallon Jade Rilling
2 days ago