Wednesday, January 5, 2011

One year ago today...

     It was one year ago today that I got my BFP.  Why am I even thinking about this?  Why do I even remember this?  Would it make a difference to me if she were still alive, would I still remember this moment in my life?  Regardless of why, this is apparently a day I consider an important anniversary.  She is, after all, my first pregnancy.

     I remember exactly how I felt when I saw that word in the window.  My immediate reaction was tears.  I was so happy, happier than I have ever been in my life.  At the same time, I was scared out of my mind.  There were a lot of questions as to whether or not I could actually carry a child to term, or whether I would be able to give birth due to injuries I sustained in a car accident.  And I was scared for all the normal reasons too.  But the happiness overwhelmed them all.  I remember debating whether I should call my husband and tell him or wait until he got home.  I'm glad I waited because the expression on his face when I handed him the test was priceless.  He probably doesn't realize it, but his eyes told the whole story.  I never knew what people meant when they described someones eyes actually smiled, until that day. 
     That day began 9 months worth of hopes and dreams.  That day began an experience I will never forget.  That day, I realized I was going to be a mom.  An indescribable feeling.
     Today is going to be rough, I think.  To use lyrics from a favorite song, "what hurts the most was being so close."  I think that really is what hurts the most.  We got so close to having her in our arms, we got so close to actually meeting her. 
     Even though I know her death wasn't my fault, I have never felt like more of a failure.  I've struggled with this thought, and I continue to struggle with it.  I KNOW I couldn't have prevented it, I KNOW I can't change it, but the word FAILURE just keeps flashing in my mind.  I've failed at my first chance to be a mom...what if I don't get another chance?  These are the things I think about...sometimes I wonder if I'm going nuts.  Yet, I still seem so normal, at least to me I seem normal.
    On a brighter note, this morning I received a special email from Carly Marie Dudley.  She runs the "To Write Their Name in the Sand" blog/website (among others).  She was doing holiday giveaway over Christmas and I was chosen as a runner-up.  She sent me a beautiful image.  She does such wonderful work.  Thank you Carly!
It was a nice surprise and brightened my day.


Missy said...

Beautiful! I love Carly's work. I remember getting my BFP too. It was rough on that day this year. Dreams were made and then they were broken. Thinking of you with love Mary!

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