So yesterday I realized that maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought. That my perception of myself was way off. Then again, maybe I was being oversensitive, but still...how could I have been so far off? How is it that people around me see me so differently than I see myself? Perception sucks.
Ok, lets start over. Yesterday, Patrick asked me to read a message from his sister's best friend. It was about a celebratory dinner for her new little one who is due to be born in March. In it she mentions that Amanda (P's sister) thinks we won't come but that Julia (Amanda's friend) wanted to extend an invitation. That part of the message stuck with me all through my workout and in to lunch. Patrick and I had stopped at Chick-fil-a for lunch and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I asked him if he remembered the days that were listed in this message. If those days were weekdays, I would understand Amanda saying that we probably wouldn't come. Afterall, a three hour drive is kinda long, especially when we would have to work the next day. P couldn't remember the days, though. Still, the message was bothering me. Then it hits...maybe I'm too hard to be around; maybe I'm not handling her death as well as I thought; maybe I really am a downer; people don't want to be around me; I'm just kidding myself when I think I'm doing okay. All those thoughts opened the flood gates. It hit me HARD. Even if my mind is playing tricks on me, do people really not want to be around me? I have a few close friends who don't care...they've been with me through everything, good and bad. And so has most of my family. But it hurt to know that my in-laws might feel like they're walking in eggshells around me. Yes, I've changed; I won't ever be the person I was before Addie died...but I'm still Mary. Yes, some things are hard to be around, but I'm working through it. Exposing myself to situations that involve children and baby showers and pregnancy has helped me. I don't cry nearly as often; I can hold babies without tearing up. I have toughened up a little. Yes, there will be things that set me off, but sometimes I need to cry; its good for me.
I know I pissed P off yesterday. He wanted me to talk to him but I don't know how to express what I was feeling at that point in time. It was like a reality check...I had to face what might be the truth. Maybe I'm not doing any better than I was when I found out she had died. Maybe I'm just kidding myself when I say I'm working on being a happier me; maybe it's not meant to be. P says he thinks that its possible his family doesn't understand how I feel, but that mine does. I still don't completely understand this logic but I see his point. My mom lost her oldest child...she knows what its like. I'm sure she has given the rest of the family some guidance; hell, I would need it if I wasn't the one who had to go through it. I never thought we'd have to experience the death of our child. I don't know. But his family has never had to deal with this. But why didn't they ask? Am I really that unapproachable? Yes, talking about her might make me cry, but hearing my daughter's name means so much to me. For someone to acknowledge her existence is the best present they could ever give me. P thinks I should tell his family this. Good idea on paper, but how in the world would I start that conversation..."So, just wanted to tell you that I want you to talk about my dead daughter, that its okay to bring her up. So what if I cry? Its gonna happen, I need to suck it up." Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think that's a conversation that will ever happen. I just wish I could stand outside of my body and see how the rest of the world sees me...maybe then I will understand how they perceive me. And then, just maybe, I can really start working on a better, happier me.
I feel like I've had a set back. WTF.
Fallon Jade Rilling
4 days ago