Happy birthday sweet girl

I can't believe it...it's been 3 years.  Three long years since I first met you.  It just doesn't seem right.  Yesterday was a quiet day.  I couldn't bring myself to talk about you, though you were certainly on my mind.  For some reason, this birthday was hard.  I don't know why....  It was almost as hard as your first.

Your short life will always matter to so many people.  Do you realize that, in the 3 years since your death, we've raised nearly $5000 for the March of Dimes?  And momma does other things in your honor, such as stamping necklaces for grieving mommas just like me.  It may not be the HUGE mark that so many parents wish for, but a mark all the same.

I will always miss you, that will never change.  I will always wonder what you would be like and how life would be different if you had lived.  But most of all, I will always love you.  Though I never truly got to know you, that love will never change.  You are my daughter, my first born, and you will always have that piece of my heart.

I love you sweet girl.  Happy birthday

Pics from Grammy P

One year photo shoot

Some days it's hard to believe my baby boy is a toddler now.  How is it that nearly 14 months have gone by already.  My beautiful friend and photographer traveled from Pittsburgh to shoot these gorgeous photos.  Love you Cindy!  Check her out, and, if you live in the greater Pittsburgh area, think about contacting her.  She'll do an awesome job!  Cindy Kimble Photography

Sending love to big sis

Yes, I'm cutie and I know it

Rub a dub dub, Squirmy in a tub

No I don't wanna sit still

All over the place

Lately my emotions have been all over the place.  It seems as though her birthday is affecting me more this year than last.  Of course, last year I had a newborn to care for, but I'm not suite sure what the significance of this year is.

I don't know where to go with it...I'm at a loss with how the grief is hitting me.  I miss her so much.

A birthday celebration 3 years in the making...

Well, today's the day.  It's your first birthday kiddo.  This time last year, the anesthesiologist was trying to get my spinal block to work for the second time (it's 9:26am as I'm writing this but probably won't post until later because I have to add pictures).  You were born at 9:47am after 36 looooooooong weeks of worry and waiting.

I've had a hard time with your birthday.  Not only are you growing so fast, but also I wasn't sure how to act.  I guess I didn't know a first birthday should be a happy occasion.  I mean, I DO know, but for my kids it wasn't.  At least not until now.

I love you more than you will ever know.  It doesn't seem right that I'm this happy, but I am.  Though I will always miss your sister, you bring me the joy I had always imagined with her.

Happy first birthday Joshua!

Right Where I Am 2013: Two years, 9 months, 22 days

It's that time of year again.  I'm joining up with Angie from Still Life With Circles to write about where I am with my grief.  You can read my 2011 post here and 2012 post here.

It's quiet in my house, baby is finally sleeping.  It's been a long week as he's had his first ear infection and has been a grumpy little cuss.  But, it's okay; he still here, a living, breathing, beautiful child.  Tripping over toys, cleaning up blow outs and spit up, getting soaked during bath time...just a normal day for a mom like me.  Or is it?  How can these days be normal when I'm not a normal mom...there will always be something missing.  There will always be that hole in my heart...the piece she took with her when she died.  I will never be "normal" again, despite what other may see on the outside.


It's been rough here lately.  Battling grief I hadn't expected...my father-in-law's death has brought back so many feelings about her.  I actually dreamed of them together not long after he passed away.  It had been a very long time since she came to me in a dream.  It was as if she was telling me he was okay; they were together.  Still, the dream brought up so many feelings I wasn't ready to deal with again.

Acceptance has finally come, though.  It's taken nearly 3 years for me to fully accept her death.  Three years...wow.  While I have accepted it, I still miss her like crazy.  I hate the fact that she's gone...I hate the fact that there is a hole in my heart...I hate the fact that I will never see her grow.  But, I also know that, if not for her death, my sweet boy wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be who I am today.

It's been a hard realization...accepting her death.  It's even difficult to type.  But without her death, how would I have known about the antibodies and isoimmunization issues.  How many other babies could have been lost?  Her death gave her brother a chance at life and that is yet another thing I am grateful for.

Everyone accepts and deals with death differently, many faster than others.  Acceptance doesn't mean she isn't missed like crazy.  It doesn't mean I don't have bad days; they are just few and far between.  She lives in my every day life.  Josh looks so much like her it's not funny.  Some nights, when he wakes up babbling, it makes me wonder if she visits him and keeps him company.  I love to think she does.  It's comforting, that's for sure.

I will miss you every day of my life.  I am so grateful for the time I had with you and the lessons you've given me since then.  You know that piece of my heart you took when you left?  Make sure you keep it safe because one day we'll be back together, baby girl and I'll gladly let you keep it as long as I can give you the hugs and kisses I've stored up since the day we said goodbye.

The highs and lows of this life

And, so another 27th has come and gone.  I really just wish I could skip every 27th all together.  I hate them.  Just means I'm one month closer to another birthday that she won't celebrate with us.  I think she knew I needed some sign this weekend.  I saw sooooo many different kinds of butterflies while we were camping.   At least 3 different types of swallowtails and lots of fritillaries.

Its been a rough couple of months.  Between changing jobs and the death of my father in law, life has been extremely stressful.  That stress often leads to wandering mind and restless nights filled with dreams of what should have been and it just makes me sad.  Sad that she's not here and sad that I seem as though I'm not thankful for what I have.

But, of course, I AM thankful for what I have.  I wouldn't trade my son for the world, even if it meant bringing her back.  There, I said it.  I know, in my heart, that if she had survived, he would not be here.  I, the person I am today, would not be here either.  And, I wouldn't be deserving to have such a sweet little boy.  Instead, my little girl is cared for by so many loving people and finally gets to meet her Granddaddy and show him the ropes.

Despite the sadness that has surrounded me lately, that sweet little boy continues to amaze me.  He's growing soooo fast.  At 10 1/2 months, he has 3 teeth (the 3rd just broke through over the weekend), loves pulling himself up and cruising along.  I swear he'll be walking in no time!  He babbles up a storm, saying momma, dada, nana, and a few others.  He's starting to realize who momma is and calling me momma (heart melting!).  He tried climbing the stairs at his sitter's house, which, in turn, means he tries it here too.  Oh, sweet boy, slow down, please!

Even when expected, death takes its toll.

On Tuesday, my family said goodbye to it's patriarch.  My father in law succumbed to complications of pancreatic cancer and the superbug, VRE.

A short, hard fought battle finally over.  As difficult as it is, I'm so glad he's not in pain anymore.  I've never met a more unique person in my life.  And, yes, it's the kind of unique that is wonderful.  I loved that man dearly and count my blessings that I became a part of his family.  He is the best Granddaddy my kids could ever have.  Even better, he can take care of my Addie girl now.

Love you, Pa.