Another sweet angel turns 1

    Today Julius should be celebrating his first birthday with his mom and dad and the rest of his family.  Instead, he flies above us all.  Today is your day sweet Julius.  Keep an eye on your mom and dad...they're gonna need it, especially today.  Lots of love to you, Tiffany!  Thinking about you today!

     On a side note...something is going on with Blogger.  It won't allow me to comment on any posts.  I have been reading them, just not able to comment.  I hope everyone had a peaceful holiday weekend!

The time you've been gone now equals how long you were here...

   Nine months....*sigh*.  Can I just say I HATE, HATE, HATE this!  Its not right...I shouldn't have had to say goodbye to my baby.  No one should ever have to say goodbye to their child, its not the natural order of things. 
    Here I am, nine months later, and nothing has changed.  The hole in my heart is ridiculously large, I am childless, I haven't gone in her room since January, and I cry almost every night.  I miss her more and more each day.  I feel as though I'm getting farther away from her with every passing moment.  I don't remember what it was like to feel her move and kick.  I don't remember what she smelled like, or what it was like to touch her skin.  I'm forgetting so much about her.  And I'm regretting not doing more.  I regret not taking more pictures, especially one with all of us together, a family picture of sorts.  I regret not holding her more, not bathing her, not spending more time with her.  So many regrets...and not a damn thing I can do about it!

   

     Happy 9 months sweet girl.  Momma's heart is breaking more each day because we're apart.   I miss you.

What would life be like...

    Does anyone ever wonder what their lives would be like if their children never died?  Lately I've found myself wondering this a lot.  Yesterday, we brought our camper out of storage to get ready for the summer.  Our first camping trip is this weekend.  Towing it home last night I found myself wondering if we'd be camping this weekend with an almost 9 month old in tow or if we'd just go for a day visit to my mom's or my aunt's water front property.  Would we take her on the boat?  Would I slather her in sunscreen, put on a life preserver and get in the water with her (probably not this weekend, though!  Water is too high and rough because of all the rain!).  Or would I be an overprotective momma and keep her safely on dry ground.  I really don't know why I'm associating the camper with missing her.  We didn't buy the camper until after she died.  We had plans to eventually buy one, but it wasn't until after we lost her that we went out to buy one.  It was soon after too.  I remember still being pretty sore from my c-section when we signed the papers.  I don't know why, but seeing the camper just makes me miss her even more.

   I've been doing a lot of associating lately.  Every time I see a butterfly I think of her.  Or a rose, or a gladiola, or anything purple.  I constantly ask myself what I would be doing right this second if she was still alive.  It truly is constantly.  I've been doing a lot of baking to help me keep my mind off of her but it doesn't work.  Just makes me wonder if I'd have her in the kitchen with me, helping me "clean" the bowls.  I guess the good thing about all the baking is that I've found a new love and talent in making cupcakes.  Maybe a future business?  Who knows...

Strawberry Lemonade Cupcake...sorry about the poor pic quality, took the pic with my phone.

    I continue to work on my memory boxes too which makes me wonder even more.  Would I have even thought to do something like this if she hadn't died?  Probably not.  But, its another thing that makes me happy.  I feel so much closer to her when I work on them.  Over the last couple of weeks, I've gotten some more donations.  Still, there's so much more I need and her birthday is coming up fast.  If anyone wants to help out (or has some advice!), please let me know.  You can read more about my project here. 

Matching hats and blanket made by a family friend

Picture frames donated by former coworker and friend

     Lastly, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on many posts lately.  I just haven't felt up to reading them.  Some days my sadness is just too overwhelming and I just can't seem to find the right words.  Please know that I think about all of my blog friends daily and hoping that our struggles get a little easier.

My Happy List, week 10

     Well, its been awhile since I've joined this blog hop.  I know it's mainly because I haven't been in the greatest of moods.  I've been in a pretty gloomy place lately, so its nice to actually be able to write a happy list today.  So here are the good things that have happened over the past few weeks.

1.  VACATION!!!  As much as I hated coming home, I'm glad to get back to a sense of normalcy.  We had a great time on our cruise.  We're ready to take another one...and soon!

2.  Swimming with a dolphin:  I have always loved and admired these creatures of the sea.  I even have a tattoo of dolphins on my back.  It was a once in a lifetime experience to get to interaction with these beautiful creatures.  I will, one day hopefully do it again.  It was a wonderful experience!

3.  March of Dimes, March for Babies:  Today was our March for Babies walk.  My little team of 6 women raised $730.  Overall, our local chapter raised nearly $50,000!  Even though it was drizzly, today was a great day.  I nearly lost my composure twice as the organizers were speaking about babies gone too soon, but I held it together.  As I said this morning...six miles is a long way, but I would walk for ever in her honor and memory because she will forever walk in mine!

Crossing the finish line!

4.  Her name:  Its no surprise that I love seeing her name everywhere.  I recently donated to another great cause, River's Run and Ride Rally.  This organization raised over $6000 to benefit Faith's Lodge.  Deanna, River's mom, created these stars and displayed them at the event.  She is mailing Addie's star to me soon.  I can't wait to get it.  Thanks, Deanna.  You can read more about Deanna, her angel River and their cause here.

5.  Last but certainly not least is P:  This man is my life.  He may drive me nuts some days, but I have never loved anyone as much as I love him.  He is always there to cheer me on, cheer me up or simply just there.  I'm lucky to have found him and can't believe we will be celebrating 5 years of marriage soon! 

There's the one dimple...I just KNOW Addie would have had the same.
I love this one dimple!

He's just beginning to stick his tongue out at me.

Dreams just aren't enough anymore...

     I never realized how much I wanted to be a mom until I found out I was pregnant with Addison.  The longing to be a parent and to hold my child has not subsided.  I love dreaming about her, but I'm tired of only dreaming.  I want to be a mom.  I promised myself I wouldn't get upset every time Mother Nature found me.  What a f***ing joke.  And, by the way, screw you Mother Nature.  I didn't appreciate your little tease this month.  I tried not to get my hopes up when I was a few days late but it didn't work.  Just another let down.  My body has failed me yet again.  Yes, I know its only been a couple of months since we were given the green light to try to conceive again, but I don't like the waiting and the wondering.  I don't want to be 60 when my child graduates from high school, but my doctor won't intervene until we've gone past the year mark.  I know there are other families out there who have struggled to get pregnant much longer than a few months and I'm sorry for complaining (it took so long the first time and I don't want to go that long again).  But, I WANT TO BE A MOM.  Is that so much to ask?!  I'm tired of being a disappointment to myself my husband and my family; I'm tired of being a failure.  I want the chance to be the mother I was supposed to be for Addie.

A Mother's Day to forget...

      A well needed vacation ended with my first Mother's Day.  A day I should have been enjoying with my little girl instead of trying to convince myself that I am really a mother.  I have struggled with this.  Am I really a mom?  After all, what do I have to show the fact that I carried a child for 9 months...what do I have to display to the world other than a few pictures and a scar on my belly.  Memories and pictures can't take the place of a warm chubby baby in my arms.  It was certainly a Mother's Day to forget.
     Thank you to those few who chose to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and sent cards or flowers.  I do appreciate it.  I know I'm being very negative about yesterday, but I really do appreciate the fact that there are people out there who care enough to remember her and remember that she was here, even if only for a short time.
     I hope everyone had an ok week.  I know it hasn't been an easy one for any of us.  I will try to catch up on all the blog posts, but I probably won't get to them all.  I will leave you with a few pics from my vacation.  I had hoped to be able to write some names in the sand but I didn't really have a lot of beach time on the cruise.  I think I'm going to pick a few choice pictures and do graphics with angel names.  Stay tuned for that post.  In the mean time, here are some of my fave pics from our cruise to the Bahamas.

A kiss and a drink to celebrate 5 years of marriage

Our room with a view



Dinner at David's Steakhouse on board the ship.



Me holding an alligator



Relaxing with the hubs

Formal night on the ship...bad picture of me

Enjoying the sunset on our balcony

Gator!



My mom and stepdad at David's

A pod of Atlantic spotted dolphins decided to play in the wake of our ship.  Pretty cool!

Arriving in Nassau

Sunset in Nassau

Me hugging Andy the dolphin...gorgeous, smart creatures!  I love dolphins!

Sunrise in Freeport

My mom and stepdad in Freeport

P during our Jeep tour of Freeport

Hibiscus at the Garden of the Groves in Freeport

Thunderheads over the Atlantic Ocean