Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Dreams just aren't enough anymore...

     I never realized how much I wanted to be a mom until I found out I was pregnant with Addison.  The longing to be a parent and to hold my child has not subsided.  I love dreaming about her, but I'm tired of only dreaming.  I want to be a mom.  I promised myself I wouldn't get upset every time Mother Nature found me.  What a f***ing joke.  And, by the way, screw you Mother Nature.  I didn't appreciate your little tease this month.  I tried not to get my hopes up when I was a few days late but it didn't work.  Just another let down.  My body has failed me yet again.  Yes, I know its only been a couple of months since we were given the green light to try to conceive again, but I don't like the waiting and the wondering.  I don't want to be 60 when my child graduates from high school, but my doctor won't intervene until we've gone past the year mark.  I know there are other families out there who have struggled to get pregnant much longer than a few months and I'm sorry for complaining (it took so long the first time and I don't want to go that long again).  But, I WANT TO BE A MOM.  Is that so much to ask?!  I'm tired of being a disappointment to myself my husband and my family; I'm tired of being a failure.  I want the chance to be the mother I was supposed to be for Addie.

5 comments:

Sherri said...

I have to convince myself sometimes too that I'm not a failure. I have one darling daughter, but then my body failed me so horribly. I hope that you will see your rainbow soon!
And Mother Nature truly is a bitch! I wish she would learn a bit about justice before she picks who can and can't get pregnant!

Tiffany said...

You aren't a disappointment and you aren't a failure. I know that sometimes it's hard not to feel like that. But there isn't a reason. It's not fair. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this.

Becky said...

I know what it is like to have to try over 2 years to get pregnant becuase my body is so screwy with its ovulation and hoping and praying you will have get that rainbow real soon!

Tiffany said...

wow. i felt like i could have written this post. it's so hard to just wait. especially when it seems like everything changed in the blink of an eye. motherhood was snatched away so quickly and now we are forced to wait to do it again. it sucks. i'm sorry. but tiffany is right, you are not a failure. ((hugs))

Stephanie said...

Thinking of you.

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved