Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What would life be like...

    Does anyone ever wonder what their lives would be like if their children never died?  Lately I've found myself wondering this a lot.  Yesterday, we brought our camper out of storage to get ready for the summer.  Our first camping trip is this weekend.  Towing it home last night I found myself wondering if we'd be camping this weekend with an almost 9 month old in tow or if we'd just go for a day visit to my mom's or my aunt's water front property.  Would we take her on the boat?  Would I slather her in sunscreen, put on a life preserver and get in the water with her (probably not this weekend, though!  Water is too high and rough because of all the rain!).  Or would I be an overprotective momma and keep her safely on dry ground.  I really don't know why I'm associating the camper with missing her.  We didn't buy the camper until after she died.  We had plans to eventually buy one, but it wasn't until after we lost her that we went out to buy one.  It was soon after too.  I remember still being pretty sore from my c-section when we signed the papers.  I don't know why, but seeing the camper just makes me miss her even more.





   I've been doing a lot of associating lately.  Every time I see a butterfly I think of her.  Or a rose, or a gladiola, or anything purple.  I constantly ask myself what I would be doing right this second if she was still alive.  It truly is constantly.  I've been doing a lot of baking to help me keep my mind off of her but it doesn't work.  Just makes me wonder if I'd have her in the kitchen with me, helping me "clean" the bowls.  I guess the good thing about all the baking is that I've found a new love and talent in making cupcakes.  Maybe a future business?  Who knows...

Strawberry Lemonade Cupcake...sorry about the poor pic quality, took the pic with my phone.

    I continue to work on my memory boxes too which makes me wonder even more.  Would I have even thought to do something like this if she hadn't died?  Probably not.  But, its another thing that makes me happy.  I feel so much closer to her when I work on them.  Over the last couple of weeks, I've gotten some more donations.  Still, there's so much more I need and her birthday is coming up fast.  If anyone wants to help out (or has some advice!), please let me know.  You can read more about my project here


Matching hats and blanket made by a family friend

Picture frames donated by former coworker and friend

     Lastly, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on many posts lately.  I just haven't felt up to reading them.  Some days my sadness is just too overwhelming and I just can't seem to find the right words.  Please know that I think about all of my blog friends daily and hoping that our struggles get a little easier.

5 comments:

Unknown said...

Oh I def do wonder what life would be like! It's hard not to think about.

BellaSteph said...

I wonder this every day. If my son was still alive what would he look like? Or know how to do? I also associate him with every single thing I do and wonder what I would really be doing if he was still here.

Deanna said...

I wonder all of the time! I think it's one of those things that we'll always dream about.

Becky said...

I think about it every day. How can we not when we know they should be here with us. I don't think I'll ever stop wondering...

Tiffany said...

My mind is constantly full of these thoughts of what-ifs too. I look around at my life now and think that so much of it is because of Ellie dying. Sometimes it makes me hate even the good things. I'm glad you wrote about this, I'm glad I'm not alone in these sorts of thoughts. Thinking of you my friend.

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved