Eleven months gone and I'm still here...

     Ugh, today has hit me hard.  I can see how your first birthday is going to go.  What can I say that I haven't said before?  Probably nothing...I miss you.  You have no idea how much I miss you.  Some days, when I think I'm okay, something I see, or hear, or smell, rips that hole wide open again.  I was a mess today.  I'm surprised I even made it through a full day at work.  I guess I'm stronger than I thought.  Ha, who am I kidding.  I had to get up and go to the bathroom SO many times today.  I'm surprised no one noticed.  But, then again, I try to blend in.  Sometimes I just don't think I fit there. 
     As we get closer to your birthday, I struggle with whether or not we should have a party.  As much as I want to recognize your existence, I'm almost scared to.  But I don't know why.  I've thought about doing a butterfly release, but I just don't know.  I would like to have something similar to your memorial service.  I just don't know if I can handle it.  I would love it if you would show me what you want.  Yeah, I know, wishful thinking....
     I still find myself wondering what life would be like if you were here.  I dreamed about you again last night.  The first time in a long time.  The dream gave me a glimpse of what life might have been with you here.  You were a new walker, with curly strawberry blond hair just starting to really grow.  Very unsteady on your feet, I saw you trying to chase Jazz, our dog.  He was having a grand old time, licking your face and darting away.  You just giggled and tried to follow.  Your one dimple is so prominent, I can't believe how much you look like your daddy.  I was packing for a weekend at the river and stopped just to watch you.  I loved listening to you laugh.  Is this how my life would be?  Is this how my life SHOULD be?  Oh, I wish you were here.
     I miss you baby girl, more than ever.  I'm having a hard time right now...the stress of work and trying to make you a big sister is really taking it's toll me.  And now, I have to face your first birthday.  What the hell am I going to do?  How can I get through this...how am I going to survive?  I love you little one...with all of my heart.
Momma

Calling all BLM's

     Hi everyone!  Sorry I've been so absent lately.  I've been concentrating on my Illuminate class and finishing up the memory boxes.  I just haven't had the chance to post much, or read much for that matter.  But I'm trying to catch up!  I do have a big favor to ask though.  I am trying to put together a list of online and in person resources to help newly bereaved parents.  This list will be included in my memory boxes.  I would love some input from everyone.  I know what has helped me, but other families may have other ideas.  I would love to hear every one's opinions.  Please feel free to include memorial websites too, where families can purchase or request items to memorialize their child/children.  Thank you so much for your help with this! 

Illuminate...my first post

     So, I've been working hard on my Illuminate class.  Working so hard that I've been ignoring all of my other blog friends.  Sorry everyone!  I've been trying to read all the posts, but its just not working.  I wanted to share the first week's assignment with everyone.  Also, Beryl is setting up another session for Illuminate.  I think all BLM's would enjoy it.  Check out her site, Be Young Photography, for more information.
   Here is the link to the first assignment.  I'm pretty proud of it.  It was a tough thing to do, very emotional, but I'm glad I'm taking part in this class.  I really think it will help me through the healing process.

http://addieslight.wordpress.com/2011/07/17/a-letter-to-my-little-girl/


***Late edit***
I meant to post this earlier!  If anyone took part in Angie's "Right Where I Am" project, check this post out.  Josh did an awesome job on this!  It is gorgeous!

A Path of Illumination

     I've been a bad blog friend, I'm sorry.  I haven't been in the greatest of places lately.  I'm struggling with a lot of anger and emotions and I just haven't felt like writing or even reading anything.  I hope everyone is doing well, though. 
    I've gotten some wonderful things in the mail lately.  First off, I was a winner in a blog giveaway.  The beautiful Raquel, Jeremiah and Matthew's momma, sent me a gorgeous butterfly necklace as a prize.  Thank you so much Raquel, its beautiful!  Secondly, I've ordered the rest of the blankets and hats for the memory boxes, and have received the blankets.  I can't believe, in less than 2 months, we'll be celebrating her first birthday.  Lastly, are the email requests I've received for Birth Certificates.  I'm flattered beyond all belief.  I am willing to share the gorgeous certificates that Fran designed.  Just click here to read more about them.
   Last but not least, I wanted to announce the start of a new blog.  I signed up for an online photography class called Illuminate.  The class is taught by Beryl Young, from Be Young Photography.  She is a fellow baby loss momma and has designed this course specifically for blms as a way to help the healing process by using photography and journaling.  Our first assignment starts tomorrow.  I am SO looking forward to this class.  So, if you have time, I encourage you to check out this new blog and follow me as I begin this new path.  Here is the link:  http://addieslight.wordpress.com/

Silence is golden? Or maybe not...

    I've been pretty quiet lately.  Mostly because I've been so busy.  Summertime brings a lot of action around the Thompson household.  I've been gardening and camping and cleaning and, most of all, working on the memory boxes.  All the fun stuff.  I've been trying to keep my mind off of the fact that her birthday is less than 2 months away  I'm struggling with the fact that she should be turning 1 and we should be celebrating her life and not her memory.
     She sent us a big wink the other day.  We spent the long weekend camping with my family.  I was sitting in my mom and dad's camper when P comes knocking on the window.  Lo and behold, on his hat, there sits a butterfly.  She stayed there for a long time.  A wink?!  I think so...

We spent a lot of time around the campfire too.  There's just something so soothing about a crackling fire (and s'mores and roasting weenies!).  So relaxing...just what I needed.  Time with family and friends can cure just about anything.

Good times with great friends and family

Jazz having his breakfast treat:  sausage gravy and biscuits

     As I said, I've been struggling a lot lately with her upcoming birthday.  I want to have a birthday party, but I don't even know where to start.  I don't even know how to bring up the subject with the rest of my family, not even P.  I almost feel silly even thinking about planning her party.  But how is it silly?  She's my daughter, why shouldn't we have a party for her?  I just don;t know where or how to begin.
     And, with her first birthday looming around the corner, so are the birthdays for little Aaron and Miss Layla.  Their moms and I were pregnant together last year.  They are 2 of my best friends and I had hoped our children would be just as close.  Now, an Evite invitation sits in my email, just waiting to be answered.  It's an invitation to Layla's first birthday party.  I don't think I can do it.  I've already promised Jess I would help out in any way I can, but I don't think I can do it.  Every time I go to RSVP, I can't...my eyes well up and I start shaking.  The last thing I want to do is turn into a blubbering fool in the middle of her birthday party.  But, I don't want to hurt Jessica's feelings either.  She has been so great to me, more than I can say for most of my so-called friends.  I have no idea what to do...why can't this just be easier?