Tuesday, March 29, 2011

50+ followers?! Wow...I think this deserves a giveaway!

     I just realized that I now have over 50 followers!  I am shocked; I am flattered;  I am (almost) speechless.  I started this blog as a way to record my feelings after losing Addie.  Writing comes so easily to me and always has been the most therapeutic activity I do.  I knew I NEEDED to do this, not just wanted to.  When I began I never imagined the amount of people I would meet and would touch my life.  I have found strength, not only within my family and friends, but also in the women I have met online.  Although we have never met in real life, I feel as though I know each of you better than some of my "real world" friends.  We all certainly share one huge thing in common...the club no one ever wants to join, but are thankful we have found each other.  I share in the triumphs and losses of women I've never met.  You all inspire me; you comfort me; you support me.  I am so thankful to have all of you in my life.

    So this brings me to my giveaway.  Somehow I ended up purchasing 2 of the same Willow Tree statues, so I would like to offer one to another BLM.  This is the Willow Tree "Angel of Freedom" statue.  Its absolutely gorgeous.  I bought it because the angel is holding a butterfly.  I have often thought of Addison as a butterfly, especially after she passed away.  The first time I felt her move, it felt like fluttering wings.  I even wrote a poem called "The Path" featuring a butterfly.  Then, of course, I was so happy with her butterfly footprints.  She will always be my little butterfly.  Anyway, sorry about the rambling.  Here are a few pics of the statue.

     So, if you are interested, please leave me a comment on this post.  I want to show my appreciation to all of you out there, who take the time to read a little about my life and share in the journey of this baby lost momma.  You really have no idea how much it means to me.  I will announce the winner Friday evening after 5pm eastern time.  Good luck to everyone and thank you again!!!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Happy First Birthday, Savanna & Happy Second Birthday, Carleigh

   I want to send many hugs out to Tabatha today.  Tabatha is mom to Savanna and today is her first birthday.  Savanna passed away just 4 months ago.  Even though I know I will be facing a first birthday in 5 short months, I have a hard time imagining what moms like Tabatha go through.  They've had time to bond with their children, time to see them laugh and grow, time to see so much potential, only to have that potential taken away so suddenly.  It's just not right.  Tabatha is an extremely strong woman, she's has been very supportive of me, as she has of many BLMs.

     I also want to send out hugs to Carleigh's mom, Holly.  This is Carleigh's second birthday away from her parents.  A celebration of a little girl's life...a little girl who should be here with her parents, yet she is not.  Happy birthday sweet Carleigh.

     Tabatha and Holly, I hope today is as easy as it can be on you. I know it must be difficult, I can't even wrap my head around how you must be feeling. Just know I am thinking about you, sending you love, hugs and strength. Stay in bed all day if you have to...do what is best for you and if you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

7 months gone...

  So, I've been kinda quiet this weekend.  Normally I take part in Happy List Saturdays, but this week, I just couldn't muster up a list.  Today marks 7 months since I said hello and goodbye to my little girl.  I tried to stay busy today.  I've been cleaning and baking to keep my mind off of things.  More baking than cleaning, because it's much more fun.  But as I was baking I realized what I was missing....Baking, cooking and love of being in the kitchen was something I wanted to teach my daughter at a very early age.  I wanted to share it all with her...show her what it is to be passionate about something.  Show her how to get her little hands dirty.  Show her how to use my favorite kitchen tools.  Just to spend time with her, doing one of my favorite things in the world.  So, needless to say, baking didn't do what I wanted it to.  But, the people at work will enjoy the fruits of my labor tomorrow.  I have 8 dozen, made from scratch peanut butter cookies and chocolate chip cookies for everyone to eat.  Need them out of my house so I don't eat them. :)

My sweet baby girl,
     Hard to believe its been 7 months.  Its both flown by and taken forever to pass.  I miss you.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  I wonder what you would look like, what you would be doing now...would you be crawling yet?  Have said your first word?  Enjoyed some of Momma's homemade baby food?  Or would Daddy be stealing you from me...bundling you up and taking you with him out to the garage to work on the golf cart...showing you how to do some basic wiring, or change a tire.  Teaching you all the things every girl should know. 
     We picked out some bulbs for your garden today.  Hopefully this was the last snow we will have for awhile.  I want to be able to get started on planting the flowers so they will bloom this year.  We have gladiolas, which are August's birth flower that will be going in front of the house.  We also bought bulbs for echinaecea and a few other butterfly attracting flowers.  I think I'm also going to buy seeds for purple sweetpeas and maybe some purple pansies.  The garden is going to go around the pear tree in the front yard, right where everyone can see it.
     Seven months...how have I survived without you?  I love you.
Love always,

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

On Her Wings, a new look

     So, the beautiful Franchesca from Small Bird Studios has finished designing my new blog and it is gorgeous.  Please check it out.  Feel free to grab my button and share it.  I would love for Addison's legacy to reach farther than my area of the country.  Thank you Fran for a beautiful job on the new look!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

New Pics and Memorials

     Had some new pics I wanted to share.  The first is from Fran for Bluebird Tuesday.  I love Bluebird Tuesdays.  The second is from Project KJ.  The third is new BLM, Nicole, who writes angel baby names in the sand in Hawaii.  I love them all!  I doesn't take much to make me happy when it involves my daughter.  :)

   Thanks ladies!  I really do appreciate these pics.  I love seeing my daughter's name.  And Bluebird Tuesdays are just great.  I love the quotes and the pictures.

Monday, March 21, 2011

A Happy Surprise

     So, guess what was waiting for me when I got home?!  MY MOLLY BEAR!!!!!  She is so absolutely beautiful.  Just right for miss Addie.  For those of you who don't know what Molly Bears are you can click here.  In short, Bridget lost her daughter at 34 weeks.  After her loss, someone gave her a teddy bear weighted to the same weight as her sweet Molly.  She then had the idea to start making them for other BLMs and it has grown since.  The wait list is HUGE but is well worth it.  I love my bear.  I had forgotten what it was like to hold Addie and this bear takes me back to the best and worst moment in my life...the first time I held my daughter in my arms.  Now, anytime I pick up my bear, I will remember what it was like...after all, my worst fear is that I will forget her.  I love her!  Love, love, love her!

She is completely cuddle-worthy

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Rainbows on the horizon for many...yet tears still follow.

   I've been reading about a lot of rainbows lately and wonder when it will be my turn.  I even have a friend who isn't a BLM but just recently found out she is pregnant with her third.  An oops you could say considering her youngest was born just a month before Addie.  I know she is over the moon happy, she and her husband want a big family, but wow...3 kids under the age of 4.  She's a better woman than me!  But I would give anything to be in her shoes.  As 'jealous' (and happy of course, don't get me wrong!  The jealousy is the good kind :) if there can really be a good kind...maybe envious is a better word!) as I am for these mommas and their pregnancies, I often wonder how I will feel when I do finally become pregnant again.  I just read this post at Jenn's Den and just want to cry.  I feel so bad for her, I can't even fathom what she is going through.  Its things like this the scare me the most.  I really don't know what I would do if this happened to me.  And it has happened to poor Jenn more than once...Jenn, I'm praying hard for you and that says a lot coming from a person who doesn't exactly call herself religious.  Positive thoughts are heading your way! 
     I'm impatient and hesitant at the same time when it comes to my own little rainbow.  I've questioned it before and I guess I always will, regardless of how many happy, healthy children I have.  There will always be that "what if" in the back of my mind.  All of my friends out there in blog land please keep Jenn and her little one in your thoughts and prayers.  She's going to need them.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

My happy list of small miracles...two blog hops in one.

"I knew that this event in my life would shape and mould me forever. I knew that I could take either 1 of 2 paths. I could let this ruin me and my life or I could let this be the beginning of something beautiful. A different life." --Carly Marie Dudley

      I just read Carly's post, The Story of Christian, and found this statement. Carly has put into words what I have not been able to. My small miracle is the fact that I have chosen a path that will be the beginning of something beautiful, that I refused to let her death ruin my life. And, even more miraculous, is that I am surviving! Its been nearly 7 months and I'm still here...I am a survivor once again. I will continue to walk this path, difficult as it may be, but I will not allow her death to drag me down. Yes, I miss her...more every day. But I WILL NOT be sad for the rest of my life. Thank you Carly for sharing Christian's story. Your words have inspired me today.
      My memory box project is going so well! This is definitely on my happy list this week. I still have a few items I am looking for but they are coming together so quickly! Looking at them on my dining room table just makes me smile. I love it! Another item on my happy list is the weather. Yesterday it was a beautiful 79 degrees and sunny. It was just like the day last year that I first felt Addie move. It was around this time of the year too...I was driving home with my windows down and music cranked up, singing along to Buck Cherry (I'm a huge rock fan). The song was totally inappropriate for a kid but I love it anyway, it's called "Too Drunk to F**k." It was during this song that I first felt those butterfly wings...an amazing feeling to say the least. Yesterday, as I was driving home, that song came on my iPod and I couldn't help but smile. It was almost as if I had gone back in time to last year...oh if only! And, as always, P is on the list. He makes me happy, plain and simple. This man has been through thick and thin with me...it amazes me that he's still around.
     So, that's it. Kind of boring I know, but that's my life. And, I like it...most of the time! Happy Saturday everyone!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

This is my contribution to Wordless Wednesdays...although it won't be completely wordless.  Just 2 little words...PEANUT BUTTER.  Enjoy!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Little Maggie Pie

     I was just looking at Addie's album on Facebook, and reading some of the comments on one of her ultrasound pics when I came across this name:  Maggie Pie.  I had forgotten about my Mom and stepdad calling her Maggie Pie.  Before we knew she was a girl, they had called her mag pie.  It was much nicer than saying it or the baby or some other non-gender specific name.  But it evolved into Maggie Pie once we found out she was a girl.  I knew that would always be a nickname, regardless of the name we had decided on and, honestly, I loved it.  My little Maggie Pie.  Oh God, how I miss you, baby girl.  Why, why, why?!?!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

On the Right Track

     We got so much accomplished today!  I am amazed at how well everything is turning out.  Thank you so much to my mother, my aunt Jena, sister in law Joann, and my nieces Baylee and Piper.  All the help has really gotten On Her Wings on the right track.  And I can't for get about all the husbands who were left to their own devices today.  Here's a sneak peek at what we've done so far:

Decorated Memory Boxes

Addie Bears
These are stuffed bears dipped in wax and scented.

     What a day!  I am so happy!  I think I'll add this to my happy list for the week!  Thank you again guys, I couldn't have done it without all of you!

Happy List Saturdays...the blog hop!

     Thanks to Natasha, Aiden's Mommy, for starting a new blog hop!  This one is another good one; one that I am happy to be a part of!  Despite my sadness, there are so many things that make me happy.

1.  My husband makes me the happiest and luckiest woman in the world.  He knows what to say, or not to say, and when to just give me a hug.  I love him more than life itself.  He is still the reason I am able to get out of bed everyday.  He makes me happier than I ever thought was possible!

My favorite person in the whole world.

2.  On Her Wings.  This project has made my day.  It keeps me busy.  Some of my family is coming over today to help.  We're painting boxes and making candles.  Lots of pictures to come later, I hope!

3.  Things I've gotten in the mail this week.  I received the memorial butterflies from Raquel, thank you so much!  Plus, the footprint cards for the memory boxes and the logo stickers.  I'm so happy to have gotten these this week.

4.  Jazz the dog.  Regardless of my mood during the day, this damn mutt always makes me smile.  He greets me with such enthusiasm when I walk in the door.  There is nothing like the unconditional love of a dog.  He is crazy, sweet, and too smart for his own good.  Plus, he's too cute to stay mad at!

Such a handsome boy!

Who can resist that face?!

     So, that is my list for the week.  These are the things that have made me happy.  My life is simple, I know, but I'm living my life the best way I know how.  There is only one more thing that would make me happier...

Friday, March 11, 2011

Bright spots on a dark day...


     I love this quote...and the picture is just beautiful.  Thank you Monica from Honoring Our Angels for posting it.  I had a rough day yesterday.  I know part of it is because I haven't been sleeping very well.  Dreaming way too much.  Sometimes I wish I could just shut my brain off.  My mood really fit the weather.  It was dreary and rainy; complete gloom engulfed me.  Several times I had to fight off tears at work.  I cried the whole way home.  Sometimes I wonder how I even get home safely.  I went to bed last night at 6:30.  I was finally able to sleep, thanks to Ambien.  I HATE taking meds but I need to sometimes, even if for my own sanity.  I love my hubs though.  He doesn't really say anything...he just knows.  Gives me big hugs, will just sit with me for awhile.  He is my biggest bright spot.
     My second bright spot yesterday was being greeted by a package addressed to "Addison's Mommy" that contained 11 little butterflies.  The beautiful Raquel, Jeremiah and Matthew's mom, made 11 memorial butterflies, one for Addie and one for each of my memory boxes.  They are absolutely gorgeous!  Thank you so much Raquel!

     Another great thing happened yesterday...Melissa from Laken's Bears (and Laken's mommy) has offered to provide stuffed bears for my memory boxes in honor of her daughter.  These boxes really are out growing the boxes!  They're going to be more like care packages than boxes.  But you know what?  I don't care.  I am completely flabbergasted at the response I received from family and friends after finally announcing my project.  It really brings tears to my eyes.  I am amazed by the response and so truly grateful to the people who are helping me keep Addie's memory alive.
     I'll be completely honest...it took me a long time to "announce" my project; mainly because I was worried about the reaction from my family and friends when they read my blog.  I've bared my soul on this blog; its no holds barred some days.  But, I've finally realized that this blog may help my family friends understand me a little better.  I can express my emotions in writing better than I ever could in spoken words.
     Despite my gloom yesterday, I was happy to have these bright moments in my day.  Its moments like those that help me get through the darkness.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


"How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed.  But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart."  --Dorothy Ferguson

     As a friend of mine puts it...today is a blue day.  I didn't sleep very well last night.  She's coming to me in dreams again.  It's not that I don't love seeing her, because I do.  I just wish it wasn't only in my dreams.  Last night was the third night in a row.  Always the same...she laughs, she smiles, she plays and I can't touch her.  But at least she seems happy.
     I love seeing her happy.  I just wish it were in real life and we could all enjoy her being here.  It's not right to have to "bury" your child.

"Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother.  She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors.  Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no.  Ain't even grey but she buries her baby."  --The Band Perry

     As I sit here writing this, a coworker says, "Well, stillbirth doesn't really happen anymore..."  I couldn't keep quiet about that one.  (This happens to be the same coworker who said she wanted to ditch her son one day.)  I looked at her and said, "1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, pregnancy loss or stillbirth."  She just looked at me and said "Wow, really?  It's still that high?"  I just nodded.  What else do you say to that?  I'm not one that likes to share my personal life at work.  A few people here know, mainly because of my older brother.  He works for the same company I do, he's just been here longer.  Otherwise, I don't share my personal life.  Why is it that the world just doesn't see that miscarriage and still birth happen all the time?  Or maybe they just want to ignore it all together.  But why?  There's no reason to be ashamed...yet I don't offer up my loss.  Why is that?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Missing in action

     So, I've been kind of absent from blog-land lately.  Well, not really.  I've been working hard on my project, On Her Wings.  I've started a Facebook page and given a shout out to my family and friends for donations.  The love and support they've shown me is overwhelming.  Its almost like they truly realoze just how much it means to me to do good in Addie's name.  My goal is to have th 10 boxes ready to donate by Addie's first birthday.  That gives me almost 6 months.  I have a feeling though, these will be more than just boxes.  I think they will be bags of stuff for parents to take home.  Matching blankets and hats, candles, bears, footprints, poems, certificates of life, memorial butterflies...the list just keeps growing!
     See what you've inspired baby girl?!  I love you and miss you!
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