Confession

     Ok, I think its time I admit this...I'm scared at the thought of trying to have another baby.  I'm scared that this will happen again.  I'm scared that I won't survive the loss of another child.  But I don't want to give up.  I'm not ready to give up.
     I go to the doctor later this week.  I'm almost afraid at what she'll say.  When we saw her in September she gave me some advice, which included losing some weight.  I am a big woman, always have been, but I worked my ass off (literally) the last 3 1/2 months to lose the pounds.  I'm just afraid she'll say its not enough.  From the day we found out Addie had died to now, I've lost 70 pounds.  I still have a lot more to lose but its a start.  I just hope its enough for now.
     I'm really not ready to give up on the thought of carrying another child.  I know there are "options" but I'm not ready to go that route.  I have 2 very good friends who have offered to be a surrogate, but there's nothing like the bond between a mother and child.  I want to have the experience of carrying my own child again.  I don't want to give that up.  But am I really ready to face another loss?  Can I handle the death of another child?  I've barely kept my head above water with losing Addie, how the hell would I handle losing her brother or sister.
     At the appointment in September, my doctor seemed very hopeful.  I flat out asked her if she thought we should try to have another baby.  Basically she said she is not ready to make that decision.  She wants to see how the next pregnancy goes before she advises us to continue or to stop trying.  I know there are treatments for what they believe caused Addie's death, but they are risky.  Still, she says she will follow us all the way through, that, when we are ready, she will do everything medically necessary for us to have a healthy child.
     What I know for sure is that I'm not ready to give up.  I never realized how much I wanted to be a mom until I found out I was pregnant with Addie.  I'm not ready to look into surrogacy or adoption.  I just hope that this won't happen again.  I just hope I am able to have a healthy child.  HOPE is the key word.