Monday, November 15, 2010

What I am thankful for....

So, a blog I read quite often (Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope) has started having monthly writing challenges and the one for this month kind of plucked at a heart string.  Through all the tragedy I've been through, Iam surprised that I am able to find things I am thankful for.  What I am thankful for though are often things I have taken for granted.  So here, I will write what I am truly thankful for this year.

November’s topic: It’s easy to focus on all the negative things that come from losing a baby, but have you discovered any ‘blessings in disguise’ throughout your journey? What can you find to be thankful for related to your loss?

First of all, I am thankful for my husband, Patrick.  I know many baby loss momma's say this, but I am truly grateful to have him in my life.  Yes, the loss of our daughter was devastating for both of us, but if not for him, I don't think I could continue living.  He is my reason for living.  He has stood by my side without question, letting me cry on his broad shoulders, get pissed off at him for no reason, he has taken it all.  There was even a day that he came home just to be with me and support me.  It was actually my second day back to work and I had to leave because I was crying uncontrollably. I couldn't function.  All I wanted to do was bury myself in my pillow and cry.  He arrived home shortly after I did and held me in his arms until I cried myself to sleep.  It seems losing our daughter has brought us closer, made us appreciate each other more.  I love my husband more than I could ever express with simple words; I owe him everything.  I am so very grateful he is in my life.

Secondly, I am thankful for my family and friends.  They have been so supportive through everything.  From bringing us dinner, to visits, to phone calls.  And they left us alone when they knew we needed it.  Everyone has been wonderful, but especially my mother.  She has been my sounding board.  Infant loss is yet another thing we share.  She lost her oldest child after he was born prematurely.  My mom has been the one person I can go to when I don't know what else to do.  She has been able to answer my questions and give me advice on how to deal with losing Addie.  I don't know what I would have done without her.  I am so very grateful to have such a wonderful mother.

Last, but certainly not least, I am thankful for my daughter.  Even though I miss her terribly, I've learned to appreciate the time I had with her.  It has taken me a long time to smile at those memories of my pregnancy, but I'm so glad I can.  I was starting to see a bit of her personality. She loved to push her little butt out, and I used to think she was going to be such a show off.  The constant hiccups.  The dancing on my bladder.  God, I miss her so much!  I wishes were money, I'd be rich right now.  But, I'm so thankful that I can look back and remember these with a smile instead of tears.  I'm so glad I had 39 weeks with her.  I know I will never forget how it felt to be pregnant with her.  And, most of all, I will never forget how I felt the first time I held her.  Even though she was already gone, it was the best feeling in the world to finally hold her.  Of course, it was immediately followed by the worst.  Still, there's no way I would've given up the chance to hold my daughter.  I am so very grateful for the the time I had with my beautiful daughter, she has given me memories to last a lifetime.

This holiday season isn't going to be an easy one for me, but I know that I have things to be thankful for.


Angie said...

I found this post from Faces, I lost my son Aiden only 2 weeks before your loss. I, too, was full term. It has been AWFUL! But I am so grateful to be able to see the positives.

I am happy that you have such a strong support system. I couldn't imagine going through this shit storm alone.

Missy said...

Thank you for sharing your positives with us. I think the holidays will pretty much be the up most of suck, but even if it does seem horrible it will be nice to not be alone. Much love lady!

Sarah Erwin said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. We lost our little Holden on August 28th, so our journeys began at the same time.
Thinking about and praying for you.

Nicole said...

Hi there, I found your blog and your story on Faces too. I lost my Caroline at 39w2d and it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

You can read our story and about our journey at

Raquel said...

Hi- I also found your blog on Faces of Loss. I lost my Jeremiah at 28 weeks on July 13,2010. I want you to know you are definately not alone....I'm here if you need to vent/talk to someone who understands.

Unknown said...

Thank you all. Sometimes its so hard to remember I'm not the only one. I was shocked to see just how many baby loss mommas there are out there. I'm so glad to have found so many wonderful people to share my stories, hope, sadness and triumphs with. Its been such a source of comfort to me.

Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved