Monday, November 29, 2010

I'm still thankful, but damn this is hard...

My family must think I'm a real bitch...I often wonder why they don't smack the crap out of me and tell me to suck it up.  Our Thanksgiving usually takes place the weekend after Turkey Day, simply because it works better for all of us.  Saturday was with the in-law side.  I spent most of the day gearing myself up for my 2 year old nephew and having to be around my pregnant sister-in-law.  I did ok, for a good part of the day.  Then it just got harder and harder.  It took all my strength not to cry...I cried the whole way home (we live an hour away from where we had dinner).  I cried myself to sleep. 

Saturday also would have been her 3 month birthday.  Why doesn't all the shit have to be on the same day.  It just made Thanksgiving even harder.  This was what I posted on Facebook:  "Some say you're too painful to remember, I say you're too precious to forget...its been 3 months today since we said goodbye. I'm so thankful to have known you at all, and so glad I can reflect on the memories more often with a smile than with tears. Missing you always, little one."  It pretty much sums it up...except I cried more tears that day than I have in a long time.

Sunday was with my family.  Thankfully all my nieces and nephews (4 of them) are older, the youngest being 6.  So I didn't have to worry about being with little ones.  Or so I thought.  My completely insensitive 20 year old cousin decided to bring his female friend who has an 11 month old little boy.  Pretty much blindsided me.  I had really hoped to have a baby free day.  Didn't happen. 

I will never understand why she was taken away from me.  It just isn't fair.  No one has ever wanted to be a mom more than me.  Well, I know that's not true...but in my mind it seems so true.  There are other momma's out there, momma's without a baby to hold.  I really am thankful for the time I had with Addie, but I would do anything to have here back here with me.


Missy said...

It's hard and it sucks and you are doing well to still feel thankful! Much love!

Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved