Friday, December 3, 2010

Just sitting here...

So I'm just sitting here on my lunch break at work and my thoughts have drifted to Addie.  It's quiet in the office, everyone else has gone to lunch (I chose to stay behind and save some money for the dreaded Christmas holiday).  I can remember planning exactly what I was going to get her for Christmas and what she was going to wear.  I already had two outfits for her first Christmas.  And I was going to order her personalized stocking...I nearly cried when I hung our stockings and her's wasn't with them.  I've actually thought about ordering one fro her anyway.  Afterall, she is still my daughter, regardless of whether she's here or not.  I just think it will be too painful to look at it.  I wanted so badly to buy the traditional "Baby's First Christmas" ornament.  Instead, I've been looking for an urn to put her cremains in. 

Yeah, I know, I'm depressing.  Its just hard not to think about her.  Especially when it gets quiet like it is now.  But at least I don't cry everytime I think about her.  I'm so glad about that.  There is no way I could continue living my life if I cried at every little thought of my butterfly.  But it still hurts.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want for Christmas, to which I reply, "Nothing."  That's not true, though.  I want my daughter back.  That's all I want...all I've ever wanted.  I want the pain to go away, I want a happy, healthy baby in my arms.  God, this sucks.


Missy said...

Quiet can be tough. Wanted to let you know I'm showing you some blog love!

Melissa said...

It is very hard, to be without our children this christmas. I wonder if it will or can ever be the same as before? I do have a stocking for Mikayla and, for me, it brings me joy the see her name hung among the rest of our families. I am also doing a special project for her stocking, so that gives me a good feeling when I see it instead of emptiness. You can read about it at my blog.

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