Of course I didn't forget...how could I? She's all I can think about most days. I guess I just didn't want to admit it. December 27th marked yet another milestone she won't reach. By 4 months, she should be laughing, smiling, sitting up...I missing all those things. It hurts more than I ever thought it could. Why is it that babies are taken away from mothers who really deserve the chance to love them. Why is it that people who really shouldn't procreate continue to pop out kids? They don't appreciate them; they don't see children as the little miracles they really are. Its just not right.
I can't wait for the start of 2011. I'm so ready to put this crappy year behind me...and maybe start trying to conceive again. The urge to be a momma and have a happy, squealing, chubby baby is stronger than ever. I used to wonder if that urge was just a result of my grief, especially in the beginning. But, now, as the grief has subsided somewhat, that yearning to have a baby hasn't lessened. I can remember saying to my husband, right after we found out Addie no longer had a heartbeat, that I couldn't go through this again; that I never wanted to be pregnant; never wanted to risk losing another child. But I know I'm not ready to give up. I'm not ready to look at "alternative methods" (I hate that phrase). I want to experience pregnancy, the good and the bad. I want that bond that only a mother knows. I just hope it happens for us in 2011.
I can't believe its been 4 months. Seems like such a long time, but its not. It has flown by most of the time. Its just days like this that I can't stop thinking about her. She really did take a piece of my heart when she grew her wings.
Fallon Jade Rilling
2 days ago