Saturday, December 11, 2010

Dignity found?

‎"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."
--Elizabeth Edwards (7/3/49-12/7/10)

The world lost a wonderful, intelligent woman recently.  I'm not political at all, but I consider Elizabeth Edwards to be a great role model.  After everything she went through...the cancer, the political battles, John's affair, the death of her son, she was still able to carry herself with dignity and class.  Honestly, I don't know how she did it...I wish I had one ounce of her strength.  Rest in peace, Elizabeth.

I've had friends tell me that I have handled the death of my daughter with dignity; that I have held my head high and continued on with my life, but have I?  Those friends haven't seen me cry myself to sleep, didn't see me sitting on the floor crying as I went through Christmas ornaments.  They don't know that I haven't been in her room since the day before I found out she had died.  The don't know the ache I feel in my heart.  I've been invited to 2 holiday parties and have declined both.  I have said I'm not in the Christmas spirit, but I really think I'm hiding from those who really care about me.  How is that living?  Today, my husband and I were in his truck when a Christmas song came on the radio.  What did I proceed to do?  Well, my dumbass started to cry...WTF.  I can't even listen to a stupid Christmas carol without tearing up!  Can someone build me a friggin time machine so I can go back to August and go into labor a week earlier?  Can I just have my daughter back?

Dignity, strength, class, faith...all have failed me, at least once in my life. Especially now.


Missy said...

I dislike how people assume that we are strong and doing so well when they have no idea what it's like to live inside of our heads. If we could invite them inside for just a minute they would know just how much grief is hidden beneath the surface. Much love to you and I do love that quote by Elizabeth!

Melissa said...

I know, the people that compliment you for being so strong really have no idea, right? I've had that happen a few times too. If only they knew...

I'm glad we have our blogs to discuss how we really feel without feeling guarded though.

Jenn said...

I absolutely love that quote. Thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry that you've lost your little girl. So very sorry. I wish it wasn't so, I wish you could go back, I wish it for myself, too. Let me know if you get your hands on a time machine, I want in, too!

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