Dignity found?

‎"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift."
--Elizabeth Edwards (7/3/49-12/7/10)

The world lost a wonderful, intelligent woman recently.  I'm not political at all, but I consider Elizabeth Edwards to be a great role model.  After everything she went through...the cancer, the political battles, John's affair, the death of her son, she was still able to carry herself with dignity and class.  Honestly, I don't know how she did it...I wish I had one ounce of her strength.  Rest in peace, Elizabeth.

I've had friends tell me that I have handled the death of my daughter with dignity; that I have held my head high and continued on with my life, but have I?  Those friends haven't seen me cry myself to sleep, didn't see me sitting on the floor crying as I went through Christmas ornaments.  They don't know that I haven't been in her room since the day before I found out she had died.  The don't know the ache I feel in my heart.  I've been invited to 2 holiday parties and have declined both.  I have said I'm not in the Christmas spirit, but I really think I'm hiding from those who really care about me.  How is that living?  Today, my husband and I were in his truck when a Christmas song came on the radio.  What did I proceed to do?  Well, my dumbass started to cry...WTF.  I can't even listen to a stupid Christmas carol without tearing up!  Can someone build me a friggin time machine so I can go back to August and go into labor a week earlier?  Can I just have my daughter back?

Dignity, strength, class, faith...all have failed me, at least once in my life. Especially now.